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LAO MAO ("THE CAT")
MEOW-MEOW-MEOW-MEOW (1992, 84 minutes, Unrated)
Featuring the greatest fight scene on film since They Live.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
MEOW-MEOW-MEOW-MEOW (1992, 84 minutes, Unrated)
Featuring the greatest fight scene on film since They Live.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
 |
By Elmore, Official Cat of the Bargain Bin
Review. You should know that, even though
this is my first solo review, I’m doing it under
protest. I’d been on Nolahn for weeks to let
me take one of the reviews, so he finally
gave me a Hong Kong film titled… The Cat.
Because I’m a cat, get it?!? Apparently
Nolahn thinks I might not be able to handle
any material that doesn’t pertain to cats,
which is just offensive. When I threw that in
his face, Nolahn just gazed back at me with
that vaguely vacant look humans always
have.
Review. You should know that, even though
this is my first solo review, I’m doing it under
protest. I’d been on Nolahn for weeks to let
me take one of the reviews, so he finally
gave me a Hong Kong film titled… The Cat.
Because I’m a cat, get it?!? Apparently
Nolahn thinks I might not be able to handle
any material that doesn’t pertain to cats,
which is just offensive. When I threw that in
his face, Nolahn just gazed back at me with
that vaguely vacant look humans always
have.
Whatever. I showed my “appreciation” in the litter box later that night.
On to the film: The story opens with a writer, “Wisely,” writing the story we’re about to see. He’s
surrounded by giant stacks of books and has two bottles of vodka on his desk, so you know that
he’s Very Serious.
He tells the story of a schlub, Li Tung, whose upstairs neighbors are always making a lot of racket
late at night. Li Tung goes up to complain and finds an apologetic old man, a young woman
waging her own staring contest and the lao mao (or “old cat”), a rather dashing black long-hair.
On to the film: The story opens with a writer, “Wisely,” writing the story we’re about to see. He’s
surrounded by giant stacks of books and has two bottles of vodka on his desk, so you know that
he’s Very Serious.
He tells the story of a schlub, Li Tung, whose upstairs neighbors are always making a lot of racket
late at night. Li Tung goes up to complain and finds an apologetic old man, a young woman
waging her own staring contest and the lao mao (or “old cat”), a rather dashing black long-hair.
| Keep reading. This swarthy looking fellow is about to get awesome. |
When the noisy neighbors vacate the next day,
Li Tung investigates and finds the place looking
like derelict squatters had stayed there --
complete with a pile of intestines! After calling
in his friends (including Wisely) and the cops, it
turns out those were just cat intestines and
everyone makes fun of the poor schlub. Jokes
on you, Li Tung!
Over drinks, when Li Tung mentions how the cat
and his girl looked “like demons in Greek
mythology,” our writer launches into this puzzling
bit:
Li Tung investigates and finds the place looking
like derelict squatters had stayed there --
complete with a pile of intestines! After calling
in his friends (including Wisely) and the cops, it
turns out those were just cat intestines and
everyone makes fun of the poor schlub. Jokes
on you, Li Tung!
Over drinks, when Li Tung mentions how the cat
and his girl looked “like demons in Greek
mythology,” our writer launches into this puzzling
bit:
"I have a strong feeling. Friends even suspect me... to be
from another star. I am convinced that girl and cat come from
another star. They should be good-natured, but kindness is
bound to bring evil. Evil is coming to pass in this city."
from another star. I am convinced that girl and cat come from
another star. They should be good-natured, but kindness is
bound to bring evil. Evil is coming to pass in this city."
And then the movie gets weird.
I’ve broken down the events of the next sequence into bullet points, because that’s the only way
you’ll be able to mentally process the words I’m putting together:
And… scene. We’re only 16 minutes into the movie.
Apparently, the cat and his girl need to find the remaining octagons to defeat the Star Killer and
get back home. I don’t understand what I just wrote.
I’ve broken down the events of the next sequence into bullet points, because that’s the only way
you’ll be able to mentally process the words I’m putting together:
- Magical sludge brings a dead body in the sewer back to life.
- The cat and his girl break into the history museum to steal an octagon. The octagon is
hundreds of years old, and nobody knows anything about it, so why not put it in a
museum? - The cat breaks the display glass with a kung fu punch.
- Security guards catch the cat and his girl in the act, but the apologetic old man drops down
from nowhere and wraps the guards up in a giant bag. - The sludge zombie shows up, and scares the cat gang by decomposing some more.
Then it turns into a giant sludgy fist and flies through the window. - Then it turns into a giant sludgy tongue tree and eats the other security guards. The cat
gang escapes by jumping through a window of their own.
And… scene. We’re only 16 minutes into the movie.
Apparently, the cat and his girl need to find the remaining octagons to defeat the Star Killer and
get back home. I don’t understand what I just wrote.
| Trust me, this guy knows how to party. |
Know what I do understand? The cat in this movie must have
had some major pull. I’ve spent enough time hanging with
Morris from those 9 Lives commercials to know that cats in the
business usually have to do their own stunts. But not “The
General” -- he has a stuffed animal for a stunt double. So lucky.
That stuffed animal gets a fair bit of play when The General and
his girl discover that Wisely has broken into their apartment.
After getting his butt handed to him, Wisely writes, “I never knew
a cat could fight, too. And so hard.” Idiot.
Not only is Wisely an idiot, he’s… I don't know what. There’s
this odd scene when Wisely’s girlfriend returns from playing
tennis and sits on his lap. She’s all sweaty, and we get various
had some major pull. I’ve spent enough time hanging with
Morris from those 9 Lives commercials to know that cats in the
business usually have to do their own stunts. But not “The
General” -- he has a stuffed animal for a stunt double. So lucky.
That stuffed animal gets a fair bit of play when The General and
his girl discover that Wisely has broken into their apartment.
After getting his butt handed to him, Wisely writes, “I never knew
a cat could fight, too. And so hard.” Idiot.
Not only is Wisely an idiot, he’s… I don't know what. There’s
this odd scene when Wisely’s girlfriend returns from playing
tennis and sits on his lap. She’s all sweaty, and we get various
close-ups of her sweaty bits -- sweaty thighs, sweaty armpits, etc. -- and Wisely gets all randy. I
think that’s a bit weird, even by human standards.
So it turns out that Wisely really has it in for The General, and even goes so far as to borrow his
friend’s “toughest and most belligerent” dog, a bull mastiff named Lao Pu. When Wisely sets an
octagon-related trap, it kicks off one of the greatest fight scenes in the history of motion pictures.
think that’s a bit weird, even by human standards.
So it turns out that Wisely really has it in for The General, and even goes so far as to borrow his
friend’s “toughest and most belligerent” dog, a bull mastiff named Lao Pu. When Wisely sets an
octagon-related trap, it kicks off one of the greatest fight scenes in the history of motion pictures.
After The General jumps through a
window -- leaving a cat-shaped hole in
the glass -- he and Lao Pu battle it out in
a junkyard. The two make the most of the
junkyard setting, and their fight is a
combination of puppetry, Claymation and
awesomeness. And just when I was
thinking that this fight was almost as
good as the one between Roddy Piper
and Keith David in They Live, the cat
suplexes the dog.
window -- leaving a cat-shaped hole in
the glass -- he and Lao Pu battle it out in
a junkyard. The two make the most of the
junkyard setting, and their fight is a
combination of puppetry, Claymation and
awesomeness. And just when I was
thinking that this fight was almost as
good as the one between Roddy Piper
and Keith David in They Live, the cat
suplexes the dog.
| No caption needed. |
The cat suplexes the dog.
At this point, there are two types of people reading this review. There are those who don’t know
what a suplex is, and those who just wet themselves. For the former, this is a suplex:
At this point, there are two types of people reading this review. There are those who don’t know
what a suplex is, and those who just wet themselves. For the former, this is a suplex:
The cat. Suplexes. The dog.
Oh sure, there’s still another 40 minutes left to the movie, building up to a Claymation battle
between The General and the tongue tree. But really, what can you do to top a cat suplexing a
dog?
Elmore, the Official Cat of the Bargain Bin Review, passed away earlier this month. This
review was one of two pieces he was working on when he fell ill. Be sure to check out all of his
work at our tribute page.
Oh sure, there’s still another 40 minutes left to the movie, building up to a Claymation battle
between The General and the tongue tree. But really, what can you do to top a cat suplexing a
dog?
Elmore, the Official Cat of the Bargain Bin Review, passed away earlier this month. This
review was one of two pieces he was working on when he fell ill. Be sure to check out all of his
work at our tribute page.