THE APPLE
* * * (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG)
Warning: Viewing may give you the green apple splatters.
This movie came recommended to me by Ryan of Movies at Midnight fame. I can only assume
that Ryan recommended this movie because he hates me.
[NOTE: Ryan says he doesn't remember recommending this movie to me... Probably so he can
sleep at night. - nolahn]
It took me a few minutes to figure out what was wrong with the opening of this movie: Non-NY
city streets swarming with people screaming like The Beatles had just invaded. Then I noticed
the overly angular motor vehicles... the pointedly modern buildings... the over-abundance of
metalic clothing... oh shit, this takes place in "the future."
Apparently in the distant future of 1994 (yes, really), all anyone cares about is which
overly-produced "rock" "band" will win The Big Competition to discover "the biggest stars of our
decade!" All of this is run by EuroVillain, his evil facial hair and his fab-u-louuuuus entourage.
Would you be shocked to learn that in this version of 1994, the best rock band in the world
doesn't look like Pearl Jam? Of course not. Here, the future of rock has been produced and
designed by the folks who gave us Solid Gold. See for yourself:
* * * (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG)
Warning: Viewing may give you the green apple splatters.
This movie came recommended to me by Ryan of Movies at Midnight fame. I can only assume
that Ryan recommended this movie because he hates me.
[NOTE: Ryan says he doesn't remember recommending this movie to me... Probably so he can
sleep at night. - nolahn]
It took me a few minutes to figure out what was wrong with the opening of this movie: Non-NY
city streets swarming with people screaming like The Beatles had just invaded. Then I noticed
the overly angular motor vehicles... the pointedly modern buildings... the over-abundance of
metalic clothing... oh shit, this takes place in "the future."
Apparently in the distant future of 1994 (yes, really), all anyone cares about is which
overly-produced "rock" "band" will win The Big Competition to discover "the biggest stars of our
decade!" All of this is run by EuroVillain, his evil facial hair and his fab-u-louuuuus entourage.
Would you be shocked to learn that in this version of 1994, the best rock band in the world
doesn't look like Pearl Jam? Of course not. Here, the future of rock has been produced and
designed by the folks who gave us Solid Gold. See for yourself:
If you made it through the entire trailer, you're made of stronger stuff than I.
Entering the competition are two wholesome Canadians -- cuz being from Canada is funny! --
named Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart of Weekend at Bernie's fame) and Alphie (George Gilmour
and his amazing chest hair). These two try to win over the crowd with what the film's
promotional material describes as "sweet and smart lyrics." I call it "lame-ass
pseudo-Carpenters crap." Apparently, the audience at the competition agrees with me, until the
audience realizes that they won't get laid unless they do as their girlfriends say and shut up.
Even though our wholesome twosome lose the competition, EuroVanEvil wants to sign them to
the kind of contracts American Idol finalists have to sign. They're invited to a company
after-party, where Bibi walks around with a giant neon CORRUPT ME sign on her forehead, and
some other stuff happens, and then there's a scene in Hell? With a prop apple the size of a
medicine ball? Yeah, I get the whole apple = temptation thing, but I was still entirely too sober
for this movie.
At least the set pieces for the songs are interesting. There's the pre-MTV music video, the
moody monorail ride, the city-wide "exercise" program and of course, the hallucinatory
sex/interpretive dance scene. I had a hard time following the plot after a while -- okay, I was
skipping through the musical numbers -- but it appears that EuroVanEvil's corporation also
handles all law enforcement and they start handing out tickets to those not wearing the
Entering the competition are two wholesome Canadians -- cuz being from Canada is funny! --
named Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart of Weekend at Bernie's fame) and Alphie (George Gilmour
and his amazing chest hair). These two try to win over the crowd with what the film's
promotional material describes as "sweet and smart lyrics." I call it "lame-ass
pseudo-Carpenters crap." Apparently, the audience at the competition agrees with me, until the
audience realizes that they won't get laid unless they do as their girlfriends say and shut up.
Even though our wholesome twosome lose the competition, EuroVanEvil wants to sign them to
the kind of contracts American Idol finalists have to sign. They're invited to a company
after-party, where Bibi walks around with a giant neon CORRUPT ME sign on her forehead, and
some other stuff happens, and then there's a scene in Hell? With a prop apple the size of a
medicine ball? Yeah, I get the whole apple = temptation thing, but I was still entirely too sober
for this movie.
At least the set pieces for the songs are interesting. There's the pre-MTV music video, the
moody monorail ride, the city-wide "exercise" program and of course, the hallucinatory
sex/interpretive dance scene. I had a hard time following the plot after a while -- okay, I was
skipping through the musical numbers -- but it appears that EuroVanEvil's corporation also
handles all law enforcement and they start handing out tickets to those not wearing the
company sticker on their face... and then a bunch of
hippies show up... and then there's what I think is an
homage to the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
And who would have guessed that the deus ex machina
was a Lincoln Continental?
It's somewhere between the after-party and musical
number in Hell that The Apple becomes The Rocky Horror
Picture Show with less transvestites. And, hey, I've done
my share of shouting at the screen after midnight, I've
done the Time Warp in the aisles. But have you ever just
sat down to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Cuz
that's what sitting through The Apple feels like.
Which is why if you do opt to check this movie out, I
recommend two things:
1) Get plenty drunk
2) Get the movie on DVD, so you can skip past musical
numbers -- they will wear away at your soul.
hippies show up... and then there's what I think is an
homage to the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
And who would have guessed that the deus ex machina
was a Lincoln Continental?
It's somewhere between the after-party and musical
number in Hell that The Apple becomes The Rocky Horror
Picture Show with less transvestites. And, hey, I've done
my share of shouting at the screen after midnight, I've
done the Time Warp in the aisles. But have you ever just
sat down to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Cuz
that's what sitting through The Apple feels like.
Which is why if you do opt to check this movie out, I
recommend two things:
1) Get plenty drunk
2) Get the movie on DVD, so you can skip past musical
numbers -- they will wear away at your soul.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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| COMMENTS Have something to add? Tell us about it here. Diane says: oh my god, dude- these are unbelievable!! fess up- do you ever hit fast forward? Nolahn says: After a minute into each musical number, I'd FF the rest of the number in this movie for the reasons stated above. My justification is that the musical numbers didn't advance the plot in the least. And also, I value my sanity. Otherwise, the only other time I've FF'd a movie I'm reviewing was very recently with Hell of the Living Dead, which made very liberal use of stock footage. I reckon I shaved 20 minutes off the film by FFing the stock footage of jungle animals running about and natives dancing. |