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TERROR TRAIN
* * * (1980, 97 minutes, Rated R)
With stops for murder, mayhem and... MAGIC!
Do you ever feel like horror movies are written by Mad Libs? I mean, how many movies could this
describe:
* * * (1980, 97 minutes, Rated R)
With stops for murder, mayhem and... MAGIC!
Do you ever feel like horror movies are written by Mad Libs? I mean, how many movies could this
describe:
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| [ACTRESS] and her [SCHOOL] friends are having a big party on [LOCATION], but little do they know that there is a killer among them! As the partygoers are murdered one by one, it’s up to [ACTRESS] -- with the help of a [AUTHORITY FIGURE] played by [AN OLDER, ESTABLISHED ACTOR] -- to stop the killer! Featuring [FAMOUS PERSON WHO ISN'T KNOWN FOR ACTING]. |
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Okay, so you’re saying, “I bet that describes the plot to Terror Train, as I am currently reading a
review of Terror Train.” Good job, smart ass.
The film opens with a New Year’s Eve frat party. Because this is the type of film where no one has
a family or friends back home, I guess. Oh, the party is taking place outside in the snow, around a
bonfire. Because this is also the type of film where everyone lives outdoors. I guess it helps to
know that this is a Canadian film.
Everyone is having a good time, including Jamie Lee Curtis and her two obligatory girlfriends. No,
you don’t get any bonus points for predicting that one of her friends is kinda bitchy and the other is
kinda slutty.
There are a number of pledges in attendance, including Harry Potter (no, it’s not really Harry Potter
review of Terror Train.” Good job, smart ass.
The film opens with a New Year’s Eve frat party. Because this is the type of film where no one has
a family or friends back home, I guess. Oh, the party is taking place outside in the snow, around a
bonfire. Because this is also the type of film where everyone lives outdoors. I guess it helps to
know that this is a Canadian film.
Everyone is having a good time, including Jamie Lee Curtis and her two obligatory girlfriends. No,
you don’t get any bonus points for predicting that one of her friends is kinda bitchy and the other is
kinda slutty.
There are a number of pledges in attendance, including Harry Potter (no, it’s not really Harry Potter
| Not (literally) appearing in this film. |
or Daniel Radcliffe, please keep up). JLC is talked into luring
Harry Potter into a house filled with construction lights and a
cadaver. It’s all a practical joke! You almost made out with a
dead body, Harry Potter, and now you’ve severely traumatized!
Ha ha!
If you’ll indulge me for a moment… What is the deal with
practical jokes in movies? They’re horrible. Really, truly
horrible. If it’s not some kind of cruel joke involving a dead
body, it’s someone driving like a lunatic or jumping out of the
darkness with a hatchet or some crap like that. Seriously:
Would it ever cross your mind to attempt tricking a friend or
acquaintance into making out with a dead body? And not just a
dead body, but one with limb falling off? What the hell is that?
Maybe its that I’m a weak practical joker. You tell me. Here’s
my idea of a practical joke: I recently went to a birthday party,
and I wrapped the present in no less than seven individual
layers of gift warp. Everyone was surprised and amused and
Harry Potter into a house filled with construction lights and a
cadaver. It’s all a practical joke! You almost made out with a
dead body, Harry Potter, and now you’ve severely traumatized!
Ha ha!
If you’ll indulge me for a moment… What is the deal with
practical jokes in movies? They’re horrible. Really, truly
horrible. If it’s not some kind of cruel joke involving a dead
body, it’s someone driving like a lunatic or jumping out of the
darkness with a hatchet or some crap like that. Seriously:
Would it ever cross your mind to attempt tricking a friend or
acquaintance into making out with a dead body? And not just a
dead body, but one with limb falling off? What the hell is that?
Maybe its that I’m a weak practical joker. You tell me. Here’s
my idea of a practical joke: I recently went to a birthday party,
and I wrapped the present in no less than seven individual
layers of gift warp. Everyone was surprised and amused and
had a good laugh, even though I failed to incorporate dead bodies, reckless driving, personalized
acts of terrorism or anything else that would result in years of therapy into my little joke.
Anyway. Post-credits, it’s three years later and the whole gang is about to have a costume party
on a train. And boy howdy, are they psyched to be having their party on a train. Apparently, this
party is a gift for JLC from her boyfriend, who looks strangely like Judge Reinhold and not at all
trying to over-compensate for something.
Also boarding the train: David Copperfield! And yes, this time I really do mean David Copperfield.
acts of terrorism or anything else that would result in years of therapy into my little joke.
Anyway. Post-credits, it’s three years later and the whole gang is about to have a costume party
on a train. And boy howdy, are they psyched to be having their party on a train. Apparently, this
party is a gift for JLC from her boyfriend, who looks strangely like Judge Reinhold and not at all
trying to over-compensate for something.
Also boarding the train: David Copperfield! And yes, this time I really do mean David Copperfield.
| Magic! |
Just as the train is pulling out, we get our first death.
Mercifully, our first victim is easily the most annoying
character in the story, a little wiry Captain Von Quippy (or
“Ed,“ as everyone keeps calling him). Apparently our
unseen killer had enough of Capt. Von Quippy’s piss-
poor Groucho Marx impersonation and dispatches him
in short order. Our unseen killer takes the Groucho
costume, ditches the body under the train, and slips on
board.
From here, much of the movie is devoted to seeing our
mystery killer move around the party in costume,
occasionally bumping off someone new and taking
their costume. I have to admit, it’s a far more effective
gimmick than I would have guessed.
As a results, it’s not until 40 minutes into the film that
anyone even realizes that there’s been a fatality. Even
then, the victim appears to be back up and around
Mercifully, our first victim is easily the most annoying
character in the story, a little wiry Captain Von Quippy (or
“Ed,“ as everyone keeps calling him). Apparently our
unseen killer had enough of Capt. Von Quippy’s piss-
poor Groucho Marx impersonation and dispatches him
in short order. Our unseen killer takes the Groucho
costume, ditches the body under the train, and slips on
board.
From here, much of the movie is devoted to seeing our
mystery killer move around the party in costume,
occasionally bumping off someone new and taking
their costume. I have to admit, it’s a far more effective
gimmick than I would have guessed.
As a results, it’s not until 40 minutes into the film that
anyone even realizes that there’s been a fatality. Even
then, the victim appears to be back up and around
when the Conductor returns to the crime scene. At that point, the film starts shifting its focus to
the Conductor (played by Ben Johnson -- the guy from all the westerns, not the disgraced
sprinter), who becomes increasingly suspicious of what’s going on during the party. He
eventually convinces JLC that something is afoot, and together they… largely fail to keep others
from getting killed off.
the Conductor (played by Ben Johnson -- the guy from all the westerns, not the disgraced
sprinter), who becomes increasingly suspicious of what’s going on during the party. He
eventually convinces JLC that something is afoot, and together they… largely fail to keep others
from getting killed off.
| Oh, as if we'd make it through this review without a cheesecake pic of an '80s-ed out Jamie Lee Curtis. |
Along the way, we get the skivvy on what happened to
poor old Harry Potter, heaping spoonfuls of relationship
drama with JLC and the men in her life, bits of David
Copperfield’s magic act and even some commentary on
the state of public transportation -- a must-have for any
horror film.
You’ll be happy to know that yes, all of the killings are
perfectly timed to a train whistle. At least the film
provides some nice swerves along the way and doesn’t
delve too much into superhuman killer territory until the
climax. And we are treated to a quality villain death --
100% impalement free! -- so there's something to look
forward to.
Yeah, this is a good ol' fashioned slasher flick, and it's
certainly of better stock than much of the stuff typically
found around The 'Bin. Enjoy at will.
poor old Harry Potter, heaping spoonfuls of relationship
drama with JLC and the men in her life, bits of David
Copperfield’s magic act and even some commentary on
the state of public transportation -- a must-have for any
horror film.
You’ll be happy to know that yes, all of the killings are
perfectly timed to a train whistle. At least the film
provides some nice swerves along the way and doesn’t
delve too much into superhuman killer territory until the
climax. And we are treated to a quality villain death --
100% impalement free! -- so there's something to look
forward to.
Yeah, this is a good ol' fashioned slasher flick, and it's
certainly of better stock than much of the stuff typically
found around The 'Bin. Enjoy at will.
Terror Train was featured on the Lair of the
Unwanted as part of a Canuxploitation
episode.
Unwanted as part of a Canuxploitation
episode.
If you're looking for a second opinion on Terror Train, check out these
reviews by our Friends of The 'Bin...
FATALLY YOURS
FULL MOON REVIEWS
OBSCUREHORROR.COM
reviews by our Friends of The 'Bin...
FATALLY YOURS
FULL MOON REVIEWS
OBSCUREHORROR.COM