TEENAGE CATGIRLS IN HEAT
* (1997, 84 minutes, Unrated)
Not the pick of the litter.
This movie was recommended to me by an old friend, "Dave." At least, I thought he was my friend.
Friends usually don't subject each other to this level of torture.
In his defense, Dave did say that Teenage Catgirls in Heat "has the unique distinction of not falling
into any genre. It's not funny, dramatic, horrifying or anything. It's just flat out the most horrible
movie I've ever seen." This is all true.
The movie opens with a bunch of cats running about and an old lady praying to a cheap-looking,
possessed Egyptian cat statue she's had tucked away in her attic (apparently, this movie is where
they got the plot to Catwoman). This Egyptian cat demon wants to pave the way for "The Great
Litter" and commands all of the area cats to commit suicide. And when shots of "cats" hurling
themselves off of bridges and rooftops is a highlight of a movie, that's sad. After committing kitty
suicide, these cats then transform into naked women and sent out to 1) get impregnated, 2) kill off
their lover and 3) give birth to a race of catmen. Sure. No flaws in this evil plan.
Oh, I nearly forgot: Mentally, the women are still cats. They just look like teenagers, if by "teenager"
you mean "women too old to strip who still need a way to pay for their boob jobs." They spend
much of the movie trying to act like playful kittens and failing miserably. It all comes off as some
sort of deranged performance art piece.
* (1997, 84 minutes, Unrated)
Not the pick of the litter.
This movie was recommended to me by an old friend, "Dave." At least, I thought he was my friend.
Friends usually don't subject each other to this level of torture.
In his defense, Dave did say that Teenage Catgirls in Heat "has the unique distinction of not falling
into any genre. It's not funny, dramatic, horrifying or anything. It's just flat out the most horrible
movie I've ever seen." This is all true.
The movie opens with a bunch of cats running about and an old lady praying to a cheap-looking,
possessed Egyptian cat statue she's had tucked away in her attic (apparently, this movie is where
they got the plot to Catwoman). This Egyptian cat demon wants to pave the way for "The Great
Litter" and commands all of the area cats to commit suicide. And when shots of "cats" hurling
themselves off of bridges and rooftops is a highlight of a movie, that's sad. After committing kitty
suicide, these cats then transform into naked women and sent out to 1) get impregnated, 2) kill off
their lover and 3) give birth to a race of catmen. Sure. No flaws in this evil plan.
Oh, I nearly forgot: Mentally, the women are still cats. They just look like teenagers, if by "teenager"
you mean "women too old to strip who still need a way to pay for their boob jobs." They spend
much of the movie trying to act like playful kittens and failing miserably. It all comes off as some
sort of deranged performance art piece.
| All of the above are far more convincing Catgirls than the ones in this film. |
I haven't even mentioned the protagonists yet, a hapless backpacker who we find out an hour in is
named Ralph, and a man whose occupation is "Cat Finder." Apparently, Cat Finders are like the
Ghostbusters of dog catchers (but with cats), and require one to be a big ham and run around with
a giant mechanical backpack that tracks the brain waves of cats. No word on what kind of benefits
package a Cat Finder usually earns.
Eventually, they-- You know what? I don't care. This movie was so bad, I spent much of it thinking
about how I should be loading up the dishwasher. I'm going to pull in a guest reviewer to finish off
this piece...
named Ralph, and a man whose occupation is "Cat Finder." Apparently, Cat Finders are like the
Ghostbusters of dog catchers (but with cats), and require one to be a big ham and run around with
a giant mechanical backpack that tracks the brain waves of cats. No word on what kind of benefits
package a Cat Finder usually earns.
Eventually, they-- You know what? I don't care. This movie was so bad, I spent much of it thinking
about how I should be loading up the dishwasher. I'm going to pull in a guest reviewer to finish off
this piece...
TEENAGE CATGIRLS IN HEAT
MEOW-MEOW-MEOW (1997, 84 minutes, Unrated)
A film so disturbing, it left a hairball in my throat.
MEOW-MEOW-MEOW (1997, 84 minutes, Unrated)
A film so disturbing, it left a hairball in my throat.
By Elmore, Official Cat of the Bargain Bin
Review. I often join Nolahn in viewing the films
he reviews in this space, but rarely does a film
strike such a raw nerve. Like an good art, I
found Teenage Catgirls in Heat to be visually
arresting, physically arousing and emotionally
haunting.
After a fantastically titillating opening of cats
prancing through the wild, the film quickly shifts
gears into a feline holocaust. I've heard that
Review. I often join Nolahn in viewing the films
he reviews in this space, but rarely does a film
strike such a raw nerve. Like an good art, I
found Teenage Catgirls in Heat to be visually
arresting, physically arousing and emotionally
haunting.
After a fantastically titillating opening of cats
prancing through the wild, the film quickly shifts
gears into a feline holocaust. I've heard that
something like 60% of all the cats in this country believe The Great Litter will occur in their lifetime
(as likely to me as all those fanatic Persian cats who believe once they use up their nine lives,
they'll receive 80,000 tuna treats and 72 kitties under a dome of catnip), but I can't believe that only
the remaining 40% of us will be deeply disturbed by the scenes of the cats throwing away their
lives. I'd like to think that, if anything else, this film will give the fundamentalist movement pause.
Equally difficult to sit through was a scene where the "Cat Finder" and his hapless backpacker
buddy interrogate a sweet little kitty for information. I don't know how that scene played with the
homo sapient set, but I found it to be both engrossing and unnerving.
A confession: The biggest disappointment for me -- and maybe it's unsophisticated for me to say
so -- was that all of those lovely cats from the beginning of the film transform into hairless, lumpy
female humans. Seriously, what's the point of having female humans with front-loaded chests
pretending to be cats (and failing) when you had perfectly beautiful cats to begin with?
Perhaps that mystery was solved at the end of the feature. Unfortunately, I fell asleep.
What? I'm a frickin' cat -- I sleep nearly 16 hours a day! Hell, Nolahn had to wake me up twice just
to finish this review.
(as likely to me as all those fanatic Persian cats who believe once they use up their nine lives,
they'll receive 80,000 tuna treats and 72 kitties under a dome of catnip), but I can't believe that only
the remaining 40% of us will be deeply disturbed by the scenes of the cats throwing away their
lives. I'd like to think that, if anything else, this film will give the fundamentalist movement pause.
Equally difficult to sit through was a scene where the "Cat Finder" and his hapless backpacker
buddy interrogate a sweet little kitty for information. I don't know how that scene played with the
homo sapient set, but I found it to be both engrossing and unnerving.
A confession: The biggest disappointment for me -- and maybe it's unsophisticated for me to say
so -- was that all of those lovely cats from the beginning of the film transform into hairless, lumpy
female humans. Seriously, what's the point of having female humans with front-loaded chests
pretending to be cats (and failing) when you had perfectly beautiful cats to begin with?
Perhaps that mystery was solved at the end of the feature. Unfortunately, I fell asleep.
What? I'm a frickin' cat -- I sleep nearly 16 hours a day! Hell, Nolahn had to wake me up twice just
to finish this review.
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