Ah... Turkey.
The fine nation of Turkey has done more than enough to assure its place in human civilization:
It is the home of "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," Turkish delight, ottomans and Thanksgiving.
As all elementary school kids know, Turkey exists in two continents and therefore gets invited to
twice as many parties. And most importantly, Turkey is the home of some of the worst movies
ever made ever.
Yes, really. Bad movies are to Turkey what soccer (adorably referred to by the rest of the world
as "futbol") is to Brazil and giant monsters are to Japan. It was really just a matter of time
before I dipped into Turkish films... and this isn't even one of the more famously bad ones.
The fine nation of Turkey has done more than enough to assure its place in human civilization:
It is the home of "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," Turkish delight, ottomans and Thanksgiving.
As all elementary school kids know, Turkey exists in two continents and therefore gets invited to
twice as many parties. And most importantly, Turkey is the home of some of the worst movies
ever made ever.
Yes, really. Bad movies are to Turkey what soccer (adorably referred to by the rest of the world
as "futbol") is to Brazil and giant monsters are to Japan. It was really just a matter of time
before I dipped into Turkish films... and this isn't even one of the more famously bad ones.
TARKAN VS. THE VIKINGS
* * * * (1971, 86 minutes, Unrated)
Everything is better with a giant octopus.
I have to admit, I pulled this title on a whim, though reading the write-up on the Netflix envelope
quickly put me at ease: "The barbarian Tarkan takes on a tribe of bloodthirsty Vikings whose
favorite pastime is sacrificing innocent maidens to a vicious octopus." Awesome.
Who is this Tarkan character? The helpful background material on the DVD told me that Tarkan
started off as a popular comic book character, essentially making Tarkan Turkey's version of
Thor. This should not be confused with Toro, the head of the Vikings and Tarkan's nemesis,
who sports a plastic Thor helmet throughout the movie.
* * * * (1971, 86 minutes, Unrated)
Everything is better with a giant octopus.
I have to admit, I pulled this title on a whim, though reading the write-up on the Netflix envelope
quickly put me at ease: "The barbarian Tarkan takes on a tribe of bloodthirsty Vikings whose
favorite pastime is sacrificing innocent maidens to a vicious octopus." Awesome.
Who is this Tarkan character? The helpful background material on the DVD told me that Tarkan
started off as a popular comic book character, essentially making Tarkan Turkey's version of
Thor. This should not be confused with Toro, the head of the Vikings and Tarkan's nemesis,
who sports a plastic Thor helmet throughout the movie.
| With his lovely locks of flowing gold hair, chiseled features and yellow go-go boots, Marvel Comic's Thor was a major influence on this film. |
After opening with five minutes of the world's
most lackluster drumming, Tarkan shows up in
style: described as an Army of One, Tarkan
poses majestically at the edge of a cliff with his
white steed and two wolf companions, Kurt and
his son, Kurt. Tarkan spends some time
showing off for Attila the Hun's daughter by
demonstrating the wolves' table manners and
having them fetch arrows. This causes one
Turk to comment, "Your invincibility has
doubled!" Logic is clearly not the Turks' strong
suit.
Just when you had enough of the wolf tricks, the
Vikings show up in their Day-Glo outfits and
storm the Turk's castle. It's just like the Battle of
Helm's Deep in The Lord of the Rings: The Two
Towers if the battle was held on a sunny
afternoon with fifteen invaders. Using the huge
battering ram somehow stored on their boat,
the Vikings bust into the Turk's castle and start
slaying everything. In true alpha dog style,
Tarkan marshals the Turkish forces to action,
but at the end of the day, there's only so much
one bad-ass and his two wolves can do and
most lackluster drumming, Tarkan shows up in
style: described as an Army of One, Tarkan
poses majestically at the edge of a cliff with his
white steed and two wolf companions, Kurt and
his son, Kurt. Tarkan spends some time
showing off for Attila the Hun's daughter by
demonstrating the wolves' table manners and
having them fetch arrows. This causes one
Turk to comment, "Your invincibility has
doubled!" Logic is clearly not the Turks' strong
suit.
Just when you had enough of the wolf tricks, the
Vikings show up in their Day-Glo outfits and
storm the Turk's castle. It's just like the Battle of
Helm's Deep in The Lord of the Rings: The Two
Towers if the battle was held on a sunny
afternoon with fifteen invaders. Using the huge
battering ram somehow stored on their boat,
the Vikings bust into the Turk's castle and start
slaying everything. In true alpha dog style,
Tarkan marshals the Turkish forces to action,
but at the end of the day, there's only so much
one bad-ass and his two wolves can do and
they go down. The Vikings leave Tarkan for dead, torch the place (never mind that it's a stone
castle)and head back to the boat with all the women-folk -- including Attila's daughter -- for
more listless drumming.
Man, are Tarkan and the wolf that didn't get killed pissed off when they come to. They bury Kurt
1.0 in a scene that would have been quite touching if it weren't for the shot of Kurt 2.0 with
tear-soaked cheeks. How would you have liked to be the production assistant with that
assignment? Proper burial competed, Tarkan and Kurt 2.0 swear to kick some Norse ass...
just as soon as they heal up.
Meanwhile, back at Viking Central... Turns out that the Vikings have a king, too (who knew?),
and he's pissed at the plastic Thor head-clad Viking commaner, Toro. Toro's retort is to laugh
maniacally while his men pull a coo. Now the new king, Toro's only problem is to figure out
which one of his prisoners is the daughter of Attila the Hun. Fortunately, Toro has allied
himself with a "Chinese" princess who is full of great ideas...
Ineffective Viking Interrogator: (to Toro) Such stubborn women! They'd rather die than
speak.
"Chinese" Princess: (to Toro) We know the Turks well. They give their soul, but not their
secrets. I have ways to make them talk.
Toro: What ways?
"Chinese" Princess: That well is full of deadly snakes... Down there, even a mute [would]
sing like a bird.
Toro: Nice one.
Oh, and that "well of snakes"? Contains maybe all of eight snakes. Raiders of the Lost Ark
this ain't. But that's okay, cuz in the very next scene, we have the first appearance of the giant
man-eating octopus. And that octopus just might be the greatest thing ever put to film.
castle)and head back to the boat with all the women-folk -- including Attila's daughter -- for
more listless drumming.
Man, are Tarkan and the wolf that didn't get killed pissed off when they come to. They bury Kurt
1.0 in a scene that would have been quite touching if it weren't for the shot of Kurt 2.0 with
tear-soaked cheeks. How would you have liked to be the production assistant with that
assignment? Proper burial competed, Tarkan and Kurt 2.0 swear to kick some Norse ass...
just as soon as they heal up.
Meanwhile, back at Viking Central... Turns out that the Vikings have a king, too (who knew?),
and he's pissed at the plastic Thor head-clad Viking commaner, Toro. Toro's retort is to laugh
maniacally while his men pull a coo. Now the new king, Toro's only problem is to figure out
which one of his prisoners is the daughter of Attila the Hun. Fortunately, Toro has allied
himself with a "Chinese" princess who is full of great ideas...
Ineffective Viking Interrogator: (to Toro) Such stubborn women! They'd rather die than
speak.
"Chinese" Princess: (to Toro) We know the Turks well. They give their soul, but not their
secrets. I have ways to make them talk.
Toro: What ways?
"Chinese" Princess: That well is full of deadly snakes... Down there, even a mute [would]
sing like a bird.
Toro: Nice one.
Oh, and that "well of snakes"? Contains maybe all of eight snakes. Raiders of the Lost Ark
this ain't. But that's okay, cuz in the very next scene, we have the first appearance of the giant
man-eating octopus. And that octopus just might be the greatest thing ever put to film.
Beautiful, isn't it?
After some awesome Death By Octopus and "Chinese" Princess intrigue, the movie finally
remembers Tarkan, and he sets out with Kurt 2.0 to settle some scores. And settle them he
does, pausing only to be captured about a half dozen times and shag a few princesses.
After a few more scenes of listless drumming and octopus feedings, Tarkan and Toro finally
face off for their big, mano-a-mano battle. It's Tarkan's big moment to finally get revenge, and
what does Tarkan do? He bitch-slaps the plastic Thor helmet right off of Toro's head.
Nice one.
After some awesome Death By Octopus and "Chinese" Princess intrigue, the movie finally
remembers Tarkan, and he sets out with Kurt 2.0 to settle some scores. And settle them he
does, pausing only to be captured about a half dozen times and shag a few princesses.
After a few more scenes of listless drumming and octopus feedings, Tarkan and Toro finally
face off for their big, mano-a-mano battle. It's Tarkan's big moment to finally get revenge, and
what does Tarkan do? He bitch-slaps the plastic Thor helmet right off of Toro's head.
Nice one.
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