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STINGER
Zero Asterisks (2007, 97 minutes, Unrated)
Filmed in all-new ConfusoVision [TM]!
This Reader Recommendation comes from Ducky, Friend of The ‘Bin. No, that’s not his name.
Since graduating, Ducky has been working in Hell-Lay as a screenwriter and I'm happy to say he
has a couple of hits under his belt. As a screenwriter who is always looking to improve his craft,
Ducky watches everything -- and I do mean everything -- so I knew a recommendation from him
would be special.
Here’s what Duck had to say about Stinger: “Almost unwatchable, but this was classic.” Well, I
would agree that Stinger is classically unwatchable.
We open in the Bluest Water Ever, where a submarine cruises around. The crew of the sub is at
Red Alert -- we know this from all the red lighting and the sirens that drown out all of the dialogue,
otherwise, everyone is just going about their business. Suddenly, a few bodies are thrown around
and -- what the shit? A large CGI scorpion? Okay then. Shooting! Looks of terror! Blood splatter!
And scene.
In our post-credits exposition dump, an extra from “The Sopranos” debriefs his crack team and the
audience: The SS Newark (the sub from the opening) has been MIA for a couple months and has
Zero Asterisks (2007, 97 minutes, Unrated)
Filmed in all-new ConfusoVision [TM]!
This Reader Recommendation comes from Ducky, Friend of The ‘Bin. No, that’s not his name.
Since graduating, Ducky has been working in Hell-Lay as a screenwriter and I'm happy to say he
has a couple of hits under his belt. As a screenwriter who is always looking to improve his craft,
Ducky watches everything -- and I do mean everything -- so I knew a recommendation from him
would be special.
Here’s what Duck had to say about Stinger: “Almost unwatchable, but this was classic.” Well, I
would agree that Stinger is classically unwatchable.
We open in the Bluest Water Ever, where a submarine cruises around. The crew of the sub is at
Red Alert -- we know this from all the red lighting and the sirens that drown out all of the dialogue,
otherwise, everyone is just going about their business. Suddenly, a few bodies are thrown around
and -- what the shit? A large CGI scorpion? Okay then. Shooting! Looks of terror! Blood splatter!
And scene.
In our post-credits exposition dump, an extra from “The Sopranos” debriefs his crack team and the
audience: The SS Newark (the sub from the opening) has been MIA for a couple months and has
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just been located. The sub was
apparently carrying some Big Deal cargo
-- because Navy subs are like the U-Hauls
of the Sea, I guess -- that belongs to
GenericCo.
The mission: A troop of marines will
accompany members of the GenericCo
staff to the Newark via mini-sub and get
the Big Deal cargo. No talk of rescuing
any survivors or salvaging what I imagine
is a very expensive submarine.
We quickly get to meet some of the main
players. From GenericCo, we have the
apparently carrying some Big Deal cargo
-- because Navy subs are like the U-Hauls
of the Sea, I guess -- that belongs to
GenericCo.
The mission: A troop of marines will
accompany members of the GenericCo
staff to the Newark via mini-sub and get
the Big Deal cargo. No talk of rescuing
any survivors or salvaging what I imagine
is a very expensive submarine.
We quickly get to meet some of the main
players. From GenericCo, we have the
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| Newark, NJ: The proud inspiration of our naval ships |
sexy Dr. Carly, the Hairy Rain Man guy, the Slutty Lady and the Tall Bald Guy (Who In No Way Is
The Villain). For the marines, we have… a bunch of young bald guys. Sorry, that’s the best I can
do. I know “Sarge” had a perpetual cigar stump implanted into the left-hand corner of his mouth…
there was a guy named “the LT” and “the Rookie”… yeah, that’s all I have.
And they’re off! To celebrate, we’re treated to the only Handi-Captions of the film: “Eighty miles of
the cost of California” Handi-Captions, indeed.
After a dramatic “opening of the hatch” sequence -- which has all the drama of watching someone
struggle with a pickle jar -- the roughnecks enter the Newark with “weapons at ready.” I can’t even
imagine why that would be necessary when boarding your own sub which is likely to be filled with
your own countrymen. What were they expecting, giant mutant scorpions?
Oh. Never mind.
The next bit of forever is spent wandering around the darkened submarine that looks suspiciously
like the basement of an office space, with the folks from GenericCo aggressively not talking about
"Project Tiamat." There’s some jocular banter involving “The Dog Whisperer” and strange food
combinations, and it’s a nice thought but doesn’t really work cuz it’s trying too hard. Every now
and then, some CGI scorpion part makes an appearance and kills someone. Once everyone
figures out that there are CGI scorpions on the loose, there’s a lot of shooting and yelling and
shooting and scorpions and shooting -- either the marines are terrible shots or the CGI scorpions
are bulletproof.
And that’s about as much as I can figure out from watching the film.
It’s bad enough that nearly everything takes place in the dark (despite the fact that the Hairy Rain
The Villain). For the marines, we have… a bunch of young bald guys. Sorry, that’s the best I can
do. I know “Sarge” had a perpetual cigar stump implanted into the left-hand corner of his mouth…
there was a guy named “the LT” and “the Rookie”… yeah, that’s all I have.
And they’re off! To celebrate, we’re treated to the only Handi-Captions of the film: “Eighty miles of
the cost of California” Handi-Captions, indeed.
After a dramatic “opening of the hatch” sequence -- which has all the drama of watching someone
struggle with a pickle jar -- the roughnecks enter the Newark with “weapons at ready.” I can’t even
imagine why that would be necessary when boarding your own sub which is likely to be filled with
your own countrymen. What were they expecting, giant mutant scorpions?
Oh. Never mind.
The next bit of forever is spent wandering around the darkened submarine that looks suspiciously
like the basement of an office space, with the folks from GenericCo aggressively not talking about
"Project Tiamat." There’s some jocular banter involving “The Dog Whisperer” and strange food
combinations, and it’s a nice thought but doesn’t really work cuz it’s trying too hard. Every now
and then, some CGI scorpion part makes an appearance and kills someone. Once everyone
figures out that there are CGI scorpions on the loose, there’s a lot of shooting and yelling and
shooting and scorpions and shooting -- either the marines are terrible shots or the CGI scorpions
are bulletproof.
And that’s about as much as I can figure out from watching the film.
It’s bad enough that nearly everything takes place in the dark (despite the fact that the Hairy Rain
| A typical scene from Stinger. |
Man got the generator running by
whacking it with a hammer -- don’t know
how that happened, but I’m not an
electrician). But what really made this
film incomprehensible -- besides the plot
-- was that literally every other shot was
an extreme close-up. It’s as if all the
director remembered from film school
was “closer = claustrophobic,” and
demanded extremely tight close-ups on
the actors’ faces (or parts of faces) at all
times.
Yes, even during the action sequences.
whacking it with a hammer -- don’t know
how that happened, but I’m not an
electrician). But what really made this
film incomprehensible -- besides the plot
-- was that literally every other shot was
an extreme close-up. It’s as if all the
director remembered from film school
was “closer = claustrophobic,” and
demanded extremely tight close-ups on
the actors’ faces (or parts of faces) at all
times.
Yes, even during the action sequences.
Especially during the action sequences. I really had no idea of what was going on at any time.
The only scene that wasn’t clogged with extreme close-ups was the one where the Slutty Lady
gets naked and shows off her extraordinarily perky chest. Best special effects of the film -- zing!
The only scene that wasn’t clogged with extreme close-ups was the one where the Slutty Lady
gets naked and shows off her extraordinarily perky chest. Best special effects of the film -- zing!
| Stinger's Daniella Vesterlund, showing off her special effects. |
Speaking of special effects, Stinger
sports some of the worst CGI I’ve seen
in a long time. There is absolutely no
weight or feel that the CGI scorpions
take up any space -- they look every bit
as super-imposed into the scene as
they really are. And the CGI in the final
scene of the film? Laugh-out-loud
bad. I only wish the rest of the movie
was so delightfully terrible.
Talking about terrible, let’s re-visit the
plot: Mutant scorpions on a sub.
Already, the story sounds like it was
created by a random word generator.
But a closer examination shows just
how stupid the movie is: The marines
spend a good chunk of the film moving
sports some of the worst CGI I’ve seen
in a long time. There is absolutely no
weight or feel that the CGI scorpions
take up any space -- they look every bit
as super-imposed into the scene as
they really are. And the CGI in the final
scene of the film? Laugh-out-loud
bad. I only wish the rest of the movie
was so delightfully terrible.
Talking about terrible, let’s re-visit the
plot: Mutant scorpions on a sub.
Already, the story sounds like it was
created by a random word generator.
But a closer examination shows just
how stupid the movie is: The marines
spend a good chunk of the film moving
through the sub from room to room, trying to exterminate the scorpions. No one ever suggests
that they simply return to the fully functional mini-sub they arrived in and leave, then have the
Newark torpedoed later. It’s not like the scorpions are going anywhere -- they’re stuck in a
submarine on the ocean floor.
Of course, if the marines did that, there would be no movie. Trust me, that would not be a bad
thing.
that they simply return to the fully functional mini-sub they arrived in and leave, then have the
Newark torpedoed later. It’s not like the scorpions are going anywhere -- they’re stuck in a
submarine on the ocean floor.
Of course, if the marines did that, there would be no movie. Trust me, that would not be a bad
thing.