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SNAKES ON A TRAIN
* * * (2006, 91 minutes, Unrated)
Q: If you make a knock-off of a purposely cheesy movie, will the film loop back around to being a
good movie?
A: Fat chance.
You remember the whole Snakes on a Plane fad, don't you? No? This will get you up to speed:
* * * (2006, 91 minutes, Unrated)
Q: If you make a knock-off of a purposely cheesy movie, will the film loop back around to being a
good movie?
A: Fat chance.
You remember the whole Snakes on a Plane fad, don't you? No? This will get you up to speed:
 |
| You were sorely missed, Samuel L. Jackson. |
Title pretty much says it all, yeah? So in theory, making a film
called Snakes on a Train should have been a pretty simple,
straightforward process: Just make the same movie, but with
all the public transportation no one takes anymore and none of
the Samuel L. Jackson.
Leave it to The Asylum to botch it up.
We get a spaghetti western opening as a man carries a
semi-conscious woman through the desert and under a
barbed wire fence with the helpful sign: U.S. BORDER /
WARNING / ILLEGAL ACCESS PROHIBITED." The lady is very
sick, as is evident by all the green Jell-O she's vomiting. She's
also vomiting snakes... super-snakes capable of thriving in a
human digestive system, apparently.
Our desert duo quickly go about smuggling themselves aboard
a late night train to L.A. (with the help of Nice Hispanic Guy),
and we go about the business of meeting the assortment of
called Snakes on a Train should have been a pretty simple,
straightforward process: Just make the same movie, but with
all the public transportation no one takes anymore and none of
the Samuel L. Jackson.
Leave it to The Asylum to botch it up.
We get a spaghetti western opening as a man carries a
semi-conscious woman through the desert and under a
barbed wire fence with the helpful sign: U.S. BORDER /
WARNING / ILLEGAL ACCESS PROHIBITED." The lady is very
sick, as is evident by all the green Jell-O she's vomiting. She's
also vomiting snakes... super-snakes capable of thriving in a
human digestive system, apparently.
Our desert duo quickly go about smuggling themselves aboard
a late night train to L.A. (with the help of Nice Hispanic Guy),
and we go about the business of meeting the assortment of
future snake chow sharing the train. Why Rollie Fingers was collecting the tickets is never
explained.
explained.
We soon find out that the Snake-Vomit Lady is cursed.
Fortunately (I guess?), her boyfriend is some sort of
witch/voodoo doctor.
"She has snakes. No doctor will see her," he says to
Nice Hispanic Guy by way of an explanation. This
apparently makes complete sense to Nice Hispanic
Guy, who goes back to looking concerned for the rest
of the film.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, the snakes
manage to get loose on the train. A few manage to
burrow their way inside one sap -- they are
super-snakes -- and then... nothing.
Fortunately (I guess?), her boyfriend is some sort of
witch/voodoo doctor.
"She has snakes. No doctor will see her," he says to
Nice Hispanic Guy by way of an explanation. This
apparently makes complete sense to Nice Hispanic
Guy, who goes back to looking concerned for the rest
of the film.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, the snakes
manage to get loose on the train. A few manage to
burrow their way inside one sap -- they are
super-snakes -- and then... nothing.
| Rollie Fingers: Quality pitcher, quality moustache. |
Oh, there's the occasional glimpse of a snake tail accompanied by a jarring music tag, but that's
about it. The entire middle section of the film is hijacked by the various subplots of the
prospective snake chow.
Dominating the action is the drama between friends Muffy and Buffy when Muffy reveals that
she's traveling as a first-time drug mule. It all plays out like a bad Afternoon Special. Lesson
learned: If you try to smuggle drugs across the border, you'll end up being forced to take your top
off and make out with an extra from "Deadwood."
It's not until an hour in that everyone learns that there are snakes on the train. The snakes
awesomely seem to materialize out of thin air and make quick work of the passengers. Of
course, unlike on a plane, there's a whole lot more room to move around on a train. So some of
the dramatic tension is drained of the whole thing when Buffy thwarts a pile of snakes by
throwing a blanket of them.
This might be one of the more uneven films I've reviewed here. There are some legitimately
good, quality scenes: The scene of the Bald Electrical Engineer trying to strike up a conversation
with the lady a few seats down feels very natural, and the witch doctor engages in a surprisingly
well-shot fight scene early in the film. Sadly, any shred of quality has gone out the window by full
snake assault. It's like the directors experienced some kind of Flowers for Algernon
phenomenon during the film -- the action is choppy and damn near impossible to follow.
And don't even get me started on the ending. It puts the "dues" in deus ex machina. Read on in
the Spoiler Box, if you must. Otherwise, all I'll say is that it's sheer absurdity was worth the third
asterisk.
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? --
then be sure to check out some of the other
mockbusters reviewed here at The 'Bin:
then be sure to check out some of the other
mockbusters reviewed here at The 'Bin:
| So the Snake Vomit Lady succumbs to her curse and becomes a full-on SnakeLady, complete with fangs and body paint. She gobbles up her witch doctor boyfriend, turns into a gigantic CGI snake and proceeds to begin eating the entire train. Nice Hispanic Guy manages to grab the witch doctor's magic rabbit's foot before he and a handful of others jump out the back door of the caboose. The snake finishes swallowing the entire train. The survivors are standing around with a look that says, "I can't believe a giant CGI snake just ate an entire train." Nice Hispanic Guy holds up the magic rabbit's foot and begins to pray. The rabbit's foot begins to glow, growing brighter and brighter. The skies open up and a heavenly twister touches down, whisking the giant CGI snake away. Then the twister and the snake disappear, and it's a nice, sunny morning. The end. Really. |
| '10 Binnie Winner! |