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SHOWDOWN
* * * * (1993, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Featuring a Master of Custodial Arts
“They are learning at an ever younger age that violence is not only tolerated, but often expected…
and sometimes required.”
That’s the quote that opens the 1993 straight-to-video actioner Showdown. No one is attributed to
the quote, which is probably just as well -- that person would be greatly annoyed to see their words
on the screen followed by 98 minutes of largely pointless violence.
We open with what amounts to a Cautionary Tale in action movie-speak: Officer Billy Blanks (yes,
he of the Tae Bo fitness regime) is the kind of police officer who doesn’t like to carry a handgun.
* * * * (1993, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Featuring a Master of Custodial Arts
“They are learning at an ever younger age that violence is not only tolerated, but often expected…
and sometimes required.”
That’s the quote that opens the 1993 straight-to-video actioner Showdown. No one is attributed to
the quote, which is probably just as well -- that person would be greatly annoyed to see their words
on the screen followed by 98 minutes of largely pointless violence.
We open with what amounts to a Cautionary Tale in action movie-speak: Officer Billy Blanks (yes,
he of the Tae Bo fitness regime) is the kind of police officer who doesn’t like to carry a handgun.
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I’m sure regulations require him to do so, but never mind.
He and his cliché slob partner break up a Big House
Party, where a pair of musclebound brothers are causing
trouble. All the jerk brothers want to do is break furniture
and force themselves on women -- I can’t imagine why
the other partygoers would object.
Officer Billy Tae-Bo’s their asses, but not before one of
the musclebound jerks bumps his head on the steps and
instantly dies. I guess that Tae Bo is some strong stuff.
Officer Billy is distraught over the situation -- we ever get a
slow-motion “Nooooooooo!” for cryin’ out loud -- and he
promptly resigns. I thought they had police psychologists
to help handle these kind of things, but oh well.
Hey, let’s forget all that for now and jump ahead seven
years, where the filmmakers simply took the script of The
Karate Kid and changed the names of the characters.
You think I’m kidding: "Ken" is the New Kid in School, and
he and his Struggling Single Mom are fresh off the boat
from New Jers- uh, Kansas. Unlike back in Kansas (or,
He and his cliché slob partner break up a Big House
Party, where a pair of musclebound brothers are causing
trouble. All the jerk brothers want to do is break furniture
and force themselves on women -- I can’t imagine why
the other partygoers would object.
Officer Billy Tae-Bo’s their asses, but not before one of
the musclebound jerks bumps his head on the steps and
instantly dies. I guess that Tae Bo is some strong stuff.
Officer Billy is distraught over the situation -- we ever get a
slow-motion “Nooooooooo!” for cryin’ out loud -- and he
promptly resigns. I thought they had police psychologists
to help handle these kind of things, but oh well.
Hey, let’s forget all that for now and jump ahead seven
years, where the filmmakers simply took the script of The
Karate Kid and changed the names of the characters.
You think I’m kidding: "Ken" is the New Kid in School, and
he and his Struggling Single Mom are fresh off the boat
from New Jers- uh, Kansas. Unlike back in Kansas (or,
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| Billy Blanks will not just get you fit, but celebrity fit. |
like, anywhere) this is one of those giant high schools where everyone falls into a tightly defined
clique and half the students are armed. Seriously, we even get a bored, “Put the knives away and
let’s open our textbooks” from one of the teachers.
After meeting the fast-talking vice principal (character actor Brion James, clearly having a good
time) and falling victim to a firecracker-related prank, Ken lays eyes on the dreamy, dreamy
Elizabeth Sh- no, Mrs. Ben Stiller (Christine Taylor), or “Julie,” as everyone in the movie insists on
clique and half the students are armed. Seriously, we even get a bored, “Put the knives away and
let’s open our textbooks” from one of the teachers.
After meeting the fast-talking vice principal (character actor Brion James, clearly having a good
time) and falling victim to a firecracker-related prank, Ken lays eyes on the dreamy, dreamy
Elizabeth Sh- no, Mrs. Ben Stiller (Christine Taylor), or “Julie,” as everyone in the movie insists on
calling her. You’d never in a million years guess this,
but Julie’s boyfriend is the School Bully and star
student of the evil dojo!
After being beaten senseless, Ken is befriended by a
quiet Asian handim- no, sorry, a black janitor who
just so happens to be ex-Officer Billy. And if you’re
thinking, “Please, oh please let this eventually lead to
a montage of Ken performing janitorial tasks to help
teach him martial arts,” then today is your lucky day.
As montages go, the janitorial montage ranks right
up there with the one from Team America: World
Police. Unfortunately, all of the other montages -- I
counted at least three -- are all of the more traditional
training/gettin’ strong now variety. And by the third,
Ken starts ditching the giant sweatshirts he’d been
wearing all movie to hide the fact that he’s ripped.
but Julie’s boyfriend is the School Bully and star
student of the evil dojo!
After being beaten senseless, Ken is befriended by a
quiet Asian handim- no, sorry, a black janitor who
just so happens to be ex-Officer Billy. And if you’re
thinking, “Please, oh please let this eventually lead to
a montage of Ken performing janitorial tasks to help
teach him martial arts,” then today is your lucky day.
As montages go, the janitorial montage ranks right
up there with the one from Team America: World
Police. Unfortunately, all of the other montages -- I
counted at least three -- are all of the more traditional
training/gettin’ strong now variety. And by the third,
Ken starts ditching the giant sweatshirts he’d been
wearing all movie to hide the fact that he’s ripped.
| The lovely Christine Taylor, seen here modeling a dodgeball. |
At this point, you’re probably thinking this is just a rip-off of The Karate Kid, but that’s not true. For
starters, this is a fantastically cheesy rip-off of The Karate Kid.
Also, the filmmakers ramped up the drama by making the sensei of the evil dojo, Lee (played by
the awesomely named Patrick Kilpatrick) a psychopath who also the reigning champion of an
illegal fight club he runs and is the surviving musclebound jerk from the beginning of the film! Top
notch!
And so: montage, feeble courtship of Julie, fight scene… wash, rinse, repeat. You know that this is
all going to end with Ken and the boyfriend fighting in the illegal fight club, right? There is a
wonderful moment during that fight: Ken is taking a beating, and he looks up to his corner to see
starters, this is a fantastically cheesy rip-off of The Karate Kid.
Also, the filmmakers ramped up the drama by making the sensei of the evil dojo, Lee (played by
the awesomely named Patrick Kilpatrick) a psychopath who also the reigning champion of an
illegal fight club he runs and is the surviving musclebound jerk from the beginning of the film! Top
notch!
And so: montage, feeble courtship of Julie, fight scene… wash, rinse, repeat. You know that this is
all going to end with Ken and the boyfriend fighting in the illegal fight club, right? There is a
wonderful moment during that fight: Ken is taking a beating, and he looks up to his corner to see
that Officer Billy has finally shown up -- and he’s
giving Ken a big Billy Blanks-patented thumb’s up!
That’s exactly what Ken needed to rally from the
intense beating he’d been taking! Ken gets on his
feet, rips off his t-shirt to reveal that he’s not just
ripped but ridiculously ripped, and proceeds to
dispense some two-fisted justice.
Don’t worry, Billy gets to kick a little butt, too, when
the psycho sensei goes berskerk because, uh,
something-something evilcakes. Oh, I suppose it
would have made sense to explicitly state that the
psycho sensei went psycho because his brother
was (kinda-sorta) killed by Officer Billy, but where's
the fun in that?
And finally, the Happiest Ending Ever: By winning
their fights, Ken and Billy have earned the respect
of the School Bully, the bully’s toadies want Billy to
be their new sensei, the police want to hire Billy to
teach self-defense, and Julie kisses Ken on his
bludgeoned, bloody mouth (ew). All that's missing
is for Princess Leia to hand out some medals.
Looks like that violence was required after all.
giving Ken a big Billy Blanks-patented thumb’s up!
That’s exactly what Ken needed to rally from the
intense beating he’d been taking! Ken gets on his
feet, rips off his t-shirt to reveal that he’s not just
ripped but ridiculously ripped, and proceeds to
dispense some two-fisted justice.
Don’t worry, Billy gets to kick a little butt, too, when
the psycho sensei goes berskerk because, uh,
something-something evilcakes. Oh, I suppose it
would have made sense to explicitly state that the
psycho sensei went psycho because his brother
was (kinda-sorta) killed by Officer Billy, but where's
the fun in that?
And finally, the Happiest Ending Ever: By winning
their fights, Ken and Billy have earned the respect
of the School Bully, the bully’s toadies want Billy to
be their new sensei, the police want to hire Billy to
teach self-defense, and Julie kisses Ken on his
bludgeoned, bloody mouth (ew). All that's missing
is for Princess Leia to hand out some medals.
Looks like that violence was required after all.
| This is Billy Blanks, and he approves this movie review. |
Looking for a second opinion on Billy
Blank's Showdown? Check out what
Jason had to say over at INVASION OF
THE B-MOVIES.
Blank's Showdown? Check out what
Jason had to say over at INVASION OF
THE B-MOVIES.