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SHERLOCK HOLMES
* * (2009, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Robert Downey Jrsploitation
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
In the interest of full disclosure: As much as I love old school mysteries, I’m not the biggest fan of
Sherlock Holmes. I always felt he was a little too perfect. Seriously, what can’t he do? Holmes
has genius-level deductive reasoning skills, an all-but omnipotent eye for the most minute detail
and an encyclopedic knowledge of nearly every topic imaginable. He’s also a master of disguise,
a talented violinist, and a formidable bare-knuckled boxer and an accomplished martial artist and
an expert at singlestick. Not bad for a junkie.
That's one of the things I really enjoyed about Robert Downey, Jr.'s interpretation of Holmes: equal
parts genius and tortured, awesome and socially inept. Unfortunately, we're not reviewing Guy
Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes (which, for what it's worth, I really enjoyed) but The Asylum mockbuster
with the same title. Needless to say, The Asylum version doesn't feature the fetching Rachel
McAdams.
* * (2009, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Robert Downey Jrsploitation
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
In the interest of full disclosure: As much as I love old school mysteries, I’m not the biggest fan of
Sherlock Holmes. I always felt he was a little too perfect. Seriously, what can’t he do? Holmes
has genius-level deductive reasoning skills, an all-but omnipotent eye for the most minute detail
and an encyclopedic knowledge of nearly every topic imaginable. He’s also a master of disguise,
a talented violinist, and a formidable bare-knuckled boxer and an accomplished martial artist and
an expert at singlestick. Not bad for a junkie.
That's one of the things I really enjoyed about Robert Downey, Jr.'s interpretation of Holmes: equal
parts genius and tortured, awesome and socially inept. Unfortunately, we're not reviewing Guy
Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes (which, for what it's worth, I really enjoyed) but The Asylum mockbuster
with the same title. Needless to say, The Asylum version doesn't feature the fetching Rachel
McAdams.
 |
The film does, however, play as a big
valentine to Robert Downey, Jr. But I'm
getting ahead of myself.
It's 1940, and Old Man Watson has one
more untold story to tell... The action
begins in The English Channel circa
1882, with a scene pulled straight out of
the Godzilla playbook -- just replace
"Japanese fishing boat" with "British
Treasury Ship" and "Godzilla" with "giant
squid." No matter how you dice it, Ye Olde
Shipping Vessels are not Giant
Monster-proof.
Later, at a hospital, we find Young 'n Beefy
Dr. Watson waaaaay too happy about the
valentine to Robert Downey, Jr. But I'm
getting ahead of myself.
It's 1940, and Old Man Watson has one
more untold story to tell... The action
begins in The English Channel circa
1882, with a scene pulled straight out of
the Godzilla playbook -- just replace
"Japanese fishing boat" with "British
Treasury Ship" and "Godzilla" with "giant
squid." No matter how you dice it, Ye Olde
Shipping Vessels are not Giant
Monster-proof.
Later, at a hospital, we find Young 'n Beefy
Dr. Watson waaaaay too happy about the
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| Now that we're thinking about it, it's kinda weird to describe an attractive woman as "fetching." |
autopsy he’s about to conduct. He's about to make the first incision when he’s interrupted by a little
girl.
Oh, sorry, the little girl is Sherlock Holmes. And no, he’s not disguised as a little girl.
I expect very little out of these movies, but this was disappointing: I wasn't even a minute into
Holmes’ first scene and was already convinced that Andy Dick would have been a better casting in
the title role. Cast your special take on Sherlock Holmes in our Special Side Bar Poll.
Holmes wants Watson to up and leave with him for London right now to investigate the sinking of
the Treasury Ship. But first, it’s time for some of that patented Holmesian razzle-dazzle! Here,
Holmes renders all of Watson’s schooling and professional experience useless with his Super-
Sized Powers of Observation.
It’s the perfect snapshot of everything I hate about Sherlock Holmes. Within the 90 seconds
Holmes has been in the giant operating room -- maintaining eye contact with Watson while they
conversed -- Holmes was able to:
girl.
Oh, sorry, the little girl is Sherlock Holmes. And no, he’s not disguised as a little girl.
I expect very little out of these movies, but this was disappointing: I wasn't even a minute into
Holmes’ first scene and was already convinced that Andy Dick would have been a better casting in
the title role. Cast your special take on Sherlock Holmes in our Special Side Bar Poll.
Holmes wants Watson to up and leave with him for London right now to investigate the sinking of
the Treasury Ship. But first, it’s time for some of that patented Holmesian razzle-dazzle! Here,
Holmes renders all of Watson’s schooling and professional experience useless with his Super-
Sized Powers of Observation.
It’s the perfect snapshot of everything I hate about Sherlock Holmes. Within the 90 seconds
Holmes has been in the giant operating room -- maintaining eye contact with Watson while they
conversed -- Holmes was able to:
- Identify that the cadaver smelled of cod. Not that the room smelled fishy, or even that the
cadaver smelled fishy, but that the dead body smelled of cod; - Observe minute details such as "old scars" on the cadaver’s fingertips from a distance and
without the need to turn the hands palm up; - Note "slight swelling and pink discoloration" on the toes and cheeks of a dead body;
- See bruises on the "hips, knees and shins" through a bed sheet; and
- Deduce that the man died of mercury poisoning.
| This might explain it. |
Watson looks like he needs an Excedrin. I call bullshit, and would have
thrown something at the screen if it wasn’t a brand-new TV. Screw you,
Sherlock.
Holmes and Watson head off to someplace that clearly is not London,
where they meet up with Inspector Lestrade, who strangely treats
Watson like a leper. This begins a string of scenes where Holmes,
Watson and Lestrade walking around with their arms folded behind
their backs, mumbling to each other. Gripping stuff. This "action" is
broken up with a pointless scene where Holmes makes Watson rappel
down a cliff to get a better look at the trashed Treasury Ship. All the
standard rappelling drama ensues, but it's robbed of every bit of tension
by the fact that 1940's Watson is telling the story.
thrown something at the screen if it wasn’t a brand-new TV. Screw you,
Sherlock.
Holmes and Watson head off to someplace that clearly is not London,
where they meet up with Inspector Lestrade, who strangely treats
Watson like a leper. This begins a string of scenes where Holmes,
Watson and Lestrade walking around with their arms folded behind
their backs, mumbling to each other. Gripping stuff. This "action" is
broken up with a pointless scene where Holmes makes Watson rappel
down a cliff to get a better look at the trashed Treasury Ship. All the
standard rappelling drama ensues, but it's robbed of every bit of tension
by the fact that 1940's Watson is telling the story.
Meanwhile, in "the slums" of London, some poor bastard is trying to lose his virginity to a prostitute
when a Tyrannosaurus Rex shows up and eats him. I'll let you drink in that statement.
The next morning, after reading about the incident over breakfast at 221B Baker Street, Holmes
and Watson go for a walk in the local forest (??) and run right into the T-Rex. The CGIant beast
chases our dynamic duo all around the woods, and it might've been a relatively exciting chase
scene if I didn't spend the entire sequence wondering how they ended up in Washington state.
This leads to even more darting around from place to place, broken up with thoughtful mumbling
with arms folded behind their backs. None if it makes any sense, though I must admit I kept
falling asleep during this stretch of the film. Holmes and Watson eventually end up in some
remote castle where they find a whole CGIant Monster Emporium and discover that the Big Bad is
-- and I swear, I am not making this up -- Iron Man.
when a Tyrannosaurus Rex shows up and eats him. I'll let you drink in that statement.
The next morning, after reading about the incident over breakfast at 221B Baker Street, Holmes
and Watson go for a walk in the local forest (??) and run right into the T-Rex. The CGIant beast
chases our dynamic duo all around the woods, and it might've been a relatively exciting chase
scene if I didn't spend the entire sequence wondering how they ended up in Washington state.
This leads to even more darting around from place to place, broken up with thoughtful mumbling
with arms folded behind their backs. None if it makes any sense, though I must admit I kept
falling asleep during this stretch of the film. Holmes and Watson eventually end up in some
remote castle where they find a whole CGIant Monster Emporium and discover that the Big Bad is
-- and I swear, I am not making this up -- Iron Man.
Okay, so it's not literally Tony Stark, but it might as well be. In a move that I think is almost worse,
| Okay, so it's not literally Tony Stark, but it might as well be. In a move that I think is almost worse, the Big Bad is really Sherlock Holmes' brother. No, not Mycroft Holmes -- that would make too much sense -- but some other Holmes brother that we've never heard of. A mortal wound forced him to turn himself into a cyborg (how he pulled that off with 1880s technology is never explained) making him look exactly like Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man without the mask. So yeah, the Big Bad is Iron Man. |
So, yeah, the villain is Iron Man.
The soundtrack switches to the score of the Watchman movie, and Iron Man goes into some
serious monologuing . There's some kind of nonsense about revenge and a flying mechanical
dragon and none of it is making any se-- omigod, he's calling Holmes "Robert"?!?
Seriously, why not just replace Watson with Charlie Chaplin? Or give Iron Man a stylish but biting
toady in Ian from Weird Science?
And that's when "genius" Sherlock Holmes attacks Iron Man with a sword. At that moment, to lift
from another iconic Robert Downey Jr. role, this movie went "full retard."
The soundtrack switches to the score of the Watchman movie, and Iron Man goes into some
serious monologuing . There's some kind of nonsense about revenge and a flying mechanical
dragon and none of it is making any se-- omigod, he's calling Holmes "Robert"?!?
Seriously, why not just replace Watson with Charlie Chaplin? Or give Iron Man a stylish but biting
toady in Ian from Weird Science?
And that's when "genius" Sherlock Holmes attacks Iron Man with a sword. At that moment, to lift
from another iconic Robert Downey Jr. role, this movie went "full retard."
| Despite Nolahn's feelings, Robert Downey, Jr. totally approves of this film. |
Think Nolahn was totally off-base? Try these...
FULL MOON REVIEWS
THE MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA
STRICTLY SPLATTER
Then check out Cool Awesome Movies' cautionary tale, The
Curious Case of Holmes and Holmes and Human Idiocy.
Also, keep an eye out for the Mass Invasion of this film at
Invasion of the B-Movies!
FULL MOON REVIEWS
THE MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA
STRICTLY SPLATTER
Then check out Cool Awesome Movies' cautionary tale, The
Curious Case of Holmes and Holmes and Human Idiocy.
Also, keep an eye out for the Mass Invasion of this film at
Invasion of the B-Movies!
W It's not that I'm saying I'd be a better Casting Director than whoever was in charge of casting this film. It's j-- No, I take that back. That's exactly what I'm saying. I bet you could do a better job, too. Chime in on this poll and let us know who you'd like to see play the role of Sherlock Holmes. |
| CASTING COUCH A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |