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SHARKTOPUS
* * (2010, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Great Expectations.
Finally! The Sharktopus has come to The ‘Bin!
I’d been looking forward to this movie for over a year, ever since I first heard murmurs of its
development. Produced by the legendary Roger Corman… half-shark, half-octopus, all cheese!
How could anyone -- even SyFy -- screw this up?
Welcome to the rest of my Sharktopus review.
Oh, the film starts off with plenty of promise: We open in Santa Monica on a beach filled entirely of
bikini-clad babes. One nondescript bikini babe bounds into the ocean, and we immediately go to
underwater Jaws-cam. The bikini babe is about to become shark chow when at the last possible
* * (2010, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Great Expectations.
Finally! The Sharktopus has come to The ‘Bin!
I’d been looking forward to this movie for over a year, ever since I first heard murmurs of its
development. Produced by the legendary Roger Corman… half-shark, half-octopus, all cheese!
How could anyone -- even SyFy -- screw this up?
Welcome to the rest of my Sharktopus review.
Oh, the film starts off with plenty of promise: We open in Santa Monica on a beach filled entirely of
bikini-clad babes. One nondescript bikini babe bounds into the ocean, and we immediately go to
underwater Jaws-cam. The bikini babe is about to become shark chow when at the last possible
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second CGI tentacles lift the shark out of the water. The
bikini babe, understandably freaked out, swims like mad
for shore.
The shark struggles against the CGI tentacles, but to no
avail. “What are you?” the shark wheezes in a panic.
The tentacles pull the shark in close. The husky whisper
of a response: “I’m Sharktopus.”
Okay, maybe I made that last part up.
In an empty office at Anchor Bay set up to look like a
science lab, Eric Roberts looks mighty pleased. We learn
that Eric Roberts and his scientist daughter, Pumpkin,
bikini babe, understandably freaked out, swims like mad
for shore.
The shark struggles against the CGI tentacles, but to no
avail. “What are you?” the shark wheezes in a panic.
The tentacles pull the shark in close. The husky whisper
of a response: “I’m Sharktopus.”
Okay, maybe I made that last part up.
In an empty office at Anchor Bay set up to look like a
science lab, Eric Roberts looks mighty pleased. We learn
that Eric Roberts and his scientist daughter, Pumpkin,
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| Sharktopus: Avenger of the Sea |
have been very creative with shark and octopus DNA, he’s also outfitted “S-11” with a giant shock
collar to keep Sharktopus in line. Now the Navy has that new super-weapon its always wanted!
collar to keep Sharktopus in line. Now the Navy has that new super-weapon its always wanted!
| Eric Roberts, Magnificent Bastard Extraordinaire |
When Navy Commander Cox (subtle, guys) demands to have
Sharktopus tail a random speedboater, it takes a whopping 30
seconds for the propeller to knock out Sharktopus’ shock collar.
Cox is shocked -- shocked! -- that his impromptu field test went
awry. “You just unleashed an eight-legged man-eating shark on
the world!”
Eric Roberts is right there with the smooth play. “A minor
setback.”
Oh baby, we’re bound for Mexico, which is just like Santa Monica
but with mariachi music. It’s there that we meet up with the
mercurial underwear model Andy Flynn, who has his game of
Sharktopus tail a random speedboater, it takes a whopping 30
seconds for the propeller to knock out Sharktopus’ shock collar.
Cox is shocked -- shocked! -- that his impromptu field test went
awry. “You just unleashed an eight-legged man-eating shark on
the world!”
Eric Roberts is right there with the smooth play. “A minor
setback.”
Oh baby, we’re bound for Mexico, which is just like Santa Monica
but with mariachi music. It’s there that we meet up with the
mercurial underwear model Andy Flynn, who has his game of
“tequila ball” interrupted with the opportunity to re-join Team Roberts in capturing Sharktopus.
The plot requires Flynn to agree and start hitting on Pumpkin, so he does.
In the meantime, a bitchy reporter from not-CNN and her cameraman, “Bones” (the sidekick from
Nacho Libre!) are investigating the increasingly common reports of a shark-like creature eating its
way down the western seaboard.
And when we’re not following the (mostly inept) actions of our monster chasers, we’re treated to
stand-alone scenes of people being eaten by Sharktopus. A creature that, if I haven’t mentioned it
before, can move around on land with its octopus legs. We watch the demise of random victims
like that girl combing the beach! And that bungee jumper! And those two guys who look just like
Mark and Peter from The Room, tossing a football around on the beach! I actually had to check
the end credits to see if “Mark” was in fact played by Greg Sestero -- no dice.
The plot requires Flynn to agree and start hitting on Pumpkin, so he does.
In the meantime, a bitchy reporter from not-CNN and her cameraman, “Bones” (the sidekick from
Nacho Libre!) are investigating the increasingly common reports of a shark-like creature eating its
way down the western seaboard.
And when we’re not following the (mostly inept) actions of our monster chasers, we’re treated to
stand-alone scenes of people being eaten by Sharktopus. A creature that, if I haven’t mentioned it
before, can move around on land with its octopus legs. We watch the demise of random victims
like that girl combing the beach! And that bungee jumper! And those two guys who look just like
Mark and Peter from The Room, tossing a football around on the beach! I actually had to check
the end credits to see if “Mark” was in fact played by Greg Sestero -- no dice.
But, ya see, the nod to The
Room is kind of the problem
with Sharktopus: It’s not
content to simply be a bad
movie -- the filmmakers have to
let everyone know that they’re
in on the joke. As a result, the
film is too self-conscious,
robbing the film of much of its
fun.
It would be one thing to have
characters comment on how
incredibly ridiculous it is that
there’s a half-shark, half-
Room is kind of the problem
with Sharktopus: It’s not
content to simply be a bad
movie -- the filmmakers have to
let everyone know that they’re
in on the joke. As a result, the
film is too self-conscious,
robbing the film of much of its
fun.
It would be one thing to have
characters comment on how
incredibly ridiculous it is that
there’s a half-shark, half-
| Greg Sestero (in red) with Tommy Wiseau, wishing he had a cameo in Sharktopus. |
octopus running around. It’s another to have characters all but stare into the camera and tell you
that this is all ridiculous.
To add insult to injury, the film goes on autopilot in the final third. Flynn runs around with an
automatic rifle like it’s a bouquet of flowers, and Pumpkin runs around with her magical laptop,
clacking away. Major characters are killed in overly elaborate yet unsatisfying ways. There’s
some nonsense about trying to figure out the password. And the film ends with a final, flippant
quip about how things are not like in the movies.
Booo.
that this is all ridiculous.
To add insult to injury, the film goes on autopilot in the final third. Flynn runs around with an
automatic rifle like it’s a bouquet of flowers, and Pumpkin runs around with her magical laptop,
clacking away. Major characters are killed in overly elaborate yet unsatisfying ways. There’s
some nonsense about trying to figure out the password. And the film ends with a final, flippant
quip about how things are not like in the movies.
Booo.
Looking for more Sharktopus goodness? You can get a second opinion on
the film over at
OBSCURE HORROR
...or get your beach groove on with this song from the movie:
the film over at
OBSCURE HORROR
...or get your beach groove on with this song from the movie:
| '12 Binnie Winner! |