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SHARK IN VENICE
* * * (2008, 88 minutes, Rated R)
Ah, Venice.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA O-D'S FUSION.
I've never been scuba diving, but by all accounts, it's pretty exciting. It looks exciting. But footage of
people scuba diving? Not so exciting.
* * * (2008, 88 minutes, Rated R)
Ah, Venice.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA O-D'S FUSION.
I've never been scuba diving, but by all accounts, it's pretty exciting. It looks exciting. But footage of
people scuba diving? Not so exciting.
 |
hanging on his every word (hey, he is a Baldwin). An administrator interrupts the class with bad
news: Frank's father has disappeared during a "scuba diving" incident in Venice. That sends
Franks, in a manner completely unlike a certain Indiana Jones movie, off to Venice to find his father.
Once in Venice, Franks and his fiancé are somehow allowed to see the bodies of his dad's scuba
buddies, and Franks immediately announces that there is a Shark In Venice. Literally sixty
seconds later, the chief of police has this to say:
"One more thing, Mr. Franks... I hear you are talking about... sharks? We
do not have sharks in Venice. Capisce?"
Well, that settles it!
All that's left for Franks to do, in ways completely unlike a certain Indiana Jones movie, is to
discover a trashed hotel room and then use his father's leather-bound notebook to find the
treasure that's been hidden since the Crusades. And when he finally does find that treasure, it's
just a coincidence that the treasure chamber is filled with gigantic spider webs and booby traps.
news: Frank's father has disappeared during a "scuba diving" incident in Venice. That sends
Franks, in a manner completely unlike a certain Indiana Jones movie, off to Venice to find his father.
Once in Venice, Franks and his fiancé are somehow allowed to see the bodies of his dad's scuba
buddies, and Franks immediately announces that there is a Shark In Venice. Literally sixty
seconds later, the chief of police has this to say:
"One more thing, Mr. Franks... I hear you are talking about... sharks? We
do not have sharks in Venice. Capisce?"
Well, that settles it!
All that's left for Franks to do, in ways completely unlike a certain Indiana Jones movie, is to
discover a trashed hotel room and then use his father's leather-bound notebook to find the
treasure that's been hidden since the Crusades. And when he finally does find that treasure, it's
just a coincidence that the treasure chamber is filled with gigantic spider webs and booby traps.
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| Bo-RING!! |
| (Above) Not a scene from SHARK IN VENICE. |
But that's okay, because federal law mandates that
at least one of these random scuba divers is going
to be shark-chow by the end of the scene. And yes,
this film complies.
On a related note, nearly all of the film's shark
footage is sped up for EXTRA EXCITEMENT! It
works about as well as randomly throwing words in
the all caps/bold/italics combo.
Back to the movie... Stephen Baldwin IS Professor
Daniel Franks, who is in no way like Indiana Jones
when he lectures to his class about one of his past
treasure hunting adventures with the ladies
at least one of these random scuba divers is going
to be shark-chow by the end of the scene. And yes,
this film complies.
On a related note, nearly all of the film's shark
footage is sped up for EXTRA EXCITEMENT! It
works about as well as randomly throwing words in
the all caps/bold/italics combo.
Back to the movie... Stephen Baldwin IS Professor
Daniel Franks, who is in no way like Indiana Jones
when he lectures to his class about one of his past
treasure hunting adventures with the ladies
Why, yes, there is a drinking game to be had here. Check out
the Special Side Bar for complete rules.
Of course, one of Franks' biggest hurdles is not the sharks but
his own fiancé, Laura (played by Vanessa Johansson). Between
the sharks and the police who obviously don't want them around,
Laura just wants to get out of dodge. Johansson spends the
movie channelling Jenna Fisher from "The Office," scowling like
an irate Pam Beasley.
the Special Side Bar for complete rules.
Of course, one of Franks' biggest hurdles is not the sharks but
his own fiancé, Laura (played by Vanessa Johansson). Between
the sharks and the police who obviously don't want them around,
Laura just wants to get out of dodge. Johansson spends the
movie channelling Jenna Fisher from "The Office," scowling like
an irate Pam Beasley.
| Jenna Fischer, not irate. |
At one point, when the mob is trying to convince Franks to
finish his father's work and find the treasure for them, Laura
actually talks Franks into blowing the whole thing off. The
two walk hand in hand through Venice. There's some great
accidental comedy to be found here, such as Franks' acting
as their tour guide ("...and some other beautiful things" he
helpfully points out) leading up to the "action scene" in San
Marco Plaza. And by "action scene," I mean Laura gets
kidnapped and Franks gets his ass kicked in a New York
minute.
This sets up one of the stupidest action scenes I've ever
watched. With Laura kidnapped by the mob and Franks
holed up in a hotel room under police protection, mob
hitmen use a zip line to crash Franks' hotel room. They
finish his father's work and find the treasure for them, Laura
actually talks Franks into blowing the whole thing off. The
two walk hand in hand through Venice. There's some great
accidental comedy to be found here, such as Franks' acting
as their tour guide ("...and some other beautiful things" he
helpfully points out) leading up to the "action scene" in San
Marco Plaza. And by "action scene," I mean Laura gets
kidnapped and Franks gets his ass kicked in a New York
minute.
This sets up one of the stupidest action scenes I've ever
watched. With Laura kidnapped by the mob and Franks
holed up in a hotel room under police protection, mob
hitmen use a zip line to crash Franks' hotel room. They
appear to be trying to kill Franks, which makes no sense because at this point, he's the only one who
knows where the treasure is and they know that. Idiots. There's running and shooting and motorcycles
and fighting with various power saws, and it's all broken up with extreme close-ups of Stephen Baldwin in
a studio and a handful of Venetian cops running up and down the same patio.
knows where the treasure is and they know that. Idiots. There's running and shooting and motorcycles
and fighting with various power saws, and it's all broken up with extreme close-ups of Stephen Baldwin in
a studio and a handful of Venetian cops running up and down the same patio.
| Hey, I'm still in this movie, right? |
Yes, nearly forgotten in all this is that there is indeed at least one Shark In Venice (it's never established if
there's just one or a whole bunch). The shark appears from time to time in random scenes, popping out
of the water to eat drunken Lotharios or gondola riders or 747s (oops, wrong movie). Otherwise, the
Shark In Venice is rendered largely irrelevant. Like, "could have been removed from the movie without
anyone noticing" kind of irrelevant.
Still, I do have some stats for you -- I know how important this kind of quantitative data can be to the
discerning b-movie viewer:
there's just one or a whole bunch). The shark appears from time to time in random scenes, popping out
of the water to eat drunken Lotharios or gondola riders or 747s (oops, wrong movie). Otherwise, the
Shark In Venice is rendered largely irrelevant. Like, "could have been removed from the movie without
anyone noticing" kind of irrelevant.
Still, I do have some stats for you -- I know how important this kind of quantitative data can be to the
discerning b-movie viewer:
DEATHS BY SHARK ATTACK: 12
DEATHS BY GUN FIRE: 6
DEATHS BY BOOBY TRAP: 2
FLIMSY EXCUSES TO INCLUDE CHEESECAKE PICS: 1
DEATHS BY GUN FIRE: 6
DEATHS BY BOOBY TRAP: 2
FLIMSY EXCUSES TO INCLUDE CHEESECAKE PICS: 1
One last thing to note about this movie, but we'll need the Spoiler Box for that.
| Okay, so it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Franks and Laura come out of it all unscathed and that the mobsters wind up either arrested or dead. Looks like a happy ending -- even for the shark! Wait -- what? Yes, the shark: Everyone seems to forget that there's a great white shark prowling around the canals of Venice. Sequel, anyone? |
Looking for a second opinion?
May we recommend...
OBSCURE HORROR
By the way, just what does one
serve for a Shark In Venice
dinner party? See what Chef
Tom is cooking up in our very
first installment of Bad Movies,
Good Eats at the Bloggin' Bin
Revue.
May we recommend...
OBSCURE HORROR
By the way, just what does one
serve for a Shark In Venice
dinner party? See what Chef
Tom is cooking up in our very
first installment of Bad Movies,
Good Eats at the Bloggin' Bin
Revue.
W Let's be perfectly clear: The Bargain Bin Review does not condone binge drinking. We're just suggesting that consuming generous amounts of alcohol will greatly enhance your enjoyment of this film. In fact, Shark in Venice nearly earned a fourth asterisk simply because it's so drinking game-friendly. The best drinking games have the simplest rules, but I've added additional rules for those of you with stouter livers and better memories. THE RULES (BASIC) While watching Shark in Venice, take a drink every time... -- a shark "bites" someone -- there's a shameless rip-off from Indiana Jones -- an extreme close-up of Stephen Baldwin is randomly inserted into an action scene -- Laura scowls INTERMEDIATE Also take a drink every time we're treated to sped up stock footage of a shark swimming. ADVANCED Also take a drink every time you see a boat. Good luck, and happy drinking! |
| SHARK IN VENICE: THE DRINKING GAME A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |