SENORITA JUSTICE
* * * (2003, 88 minutes, Rated R)
Imagine Steven Seagal in a mid-drift... On second thought, don't.
Let's get this out of the way right now: Contrary to what anyone interested in getting you to rent
or buy this film might claim (I'm looking at you, Netflix), this movie does NOT star Eva Longoria.
Unless by "star" they mean "shows up for a half-dozen scenes." Very bad form -- at least as
misleading as calling Desperate Housewives an Emmy-winning "comedy." I can't begin to tell
you how much I was looking forward to seeing the plastic Longoria do an impersonation of the
wooden Seagal. Looks like if I want to see that, I'm gonna have to win the Publishers Clearing
House and make the movie myself.
Don't think I won't do it.
* * * (2003, 88 minutes, Rated R)
Imagine Steven Seagal in a mid-drift... On second thought, don't.
Let's get this out of the way right now: Contrary to what anyone interested in getting you to rent
or buy this film might claim (I'm looking at you, Netflix), this movie does NOT star Eva Longoria.
Unless by "star" they mean "shows up for a half-dozen scenes." Very bad form -- at least as
misleading as calling Desperate Housewives an Emmy-winning "comedy." I can't begin to tell
you how much I was looking forward to seeing the plastic Longoria do an impersonation of the
wooden Seagal. Looks like if I want to see that, I'm gonna have to win the Publishers Clearing
House and make the movie myself.
Don't think I won't do it.
So what's a grieving sis to do? Why, embrace her
gangsta-turned-military marksman past, of course!
Armed with duelling Berettas, a mid-drift and a tuff-girl
bandana, Anna hits the streets to dispense some
SENORITA JUSTICE! From this point on... know
what? Wikipedia says it much better than I ever could:
"Not satisfied with letting the police handle the
investigation alone, Anna becomes Señorita
Justice. She embarks on a one-senorita
mission of vengeance, crossing paths with
scumbag after scumbag and beating the
Miracle Whip out of them."
How bad ass is Señorita Justice? She beats the hell
out of a guy while sitting in her car with a knife held to
her throat. When two assassins show up while she's
in the shower, she towel-whips the crap out of both of
them. Hell, Senorita Justice is so bad ass, she
doesn't even need to keep her eyes open when
shooting.
gangsta-turned-military marksman past, of course!
Armed with duelling Berettas, a mid-drift and a tuff-girl
bandana, Anna hits the streets to dispense some
SENORITA JUSTICE! From this point on... know
what? Wikipedia says it much better than I ever could:
"Not satisfied with letting the police handle the
investigation alone, Anna becomes Señorita
Justice. She embarks on a one-senorita
mission of vengeance, crossing paths with
scumbag after scumbag and beating the
Miracle Whip out of them."
How bad ass is Señorita Justice? She beats the hell
out of a guy while sitting in her car with a knife held to
her throat. When two assassins show up while she's
in the shower, she towel-whips the crap out of both of
them. Hell, Senorita Justice is so bad ass, she
doesn't even need to keep her eyes open when
shooting.
Instead, we get some unknown Latina beauty
pretending to be Steven Seagal, so the film isn't a
total waste.
We open at a murder scene with officer Eva
Longoria and Blonde LaCubanLady standing
around in ill-advisedly tight tank tops, ignoring the
crime scene and grilling one witness who claims he
saw nothing. It's so obvious he's lying, I want to
invite him over next time I host a poker night. Rap
music thumps away in the background (often
drowning out the dialog -- thanks Mr. Sound Editor!),
implies that this film is going to take a hard look at
the gritty realities of inner-city life. Don't worry, it
doesn't.
After the opening credits/music video, we meet our
hero, Anna. Anna has one of those high-powered
occupations that only exist in the movies: She walks
into a business meeting late just as the client is
asking for her, gives a two-line report that makes the
client deliriously happy, end of meeting. I so want
that job. Anna's ethnically diverse coworkers talk
haltingly about their vacation plans, proving that bad
acting can unite people of all races.
pretending to be Steven Seagal, so the film isn't a
total waste.
We open at a murder scene with officer Eva
Longoria and Blonde LaCubanLady standing
around in ill-advisedly tight tank tops, ignoring the
crime scene and grilling one witness who claims he
saw nothing. It's so obvious he's lying, I want to
invite him over next time I host a poker night. Rap
music thumps away in the background (often
drowning out the dialog -- thanks Mr. Sound Editor!),
implies that this film is going to take a hard look at
the gritty realities of inner-city life. Don't worry, it
doesn't.
After the opening credits/music video, we meet our
hero, Anna. Anna has one of those high-powered
occupations that only exist in the movies: She walks
into a business meeting late just as the client is
asking for her, gives a two-line report that makes the
client deliriously happy, end of meeting. I so want
that job. Anna's ethnically diverse coworkers talk
haltingly about their vacation plans, proving that bad
acting can unite people of all races.
Some hoochie-mama crashes this executive utopia to tell Anna that the murder victim from the
opening scene was murdered. Anna is devastated -- though it takes another four scenes
before we get around to learning that the victim was her brother -- and Anna heads back to her
childhood home in Little Havana to take care of family affairs.
opening scene was murdered. Anna is devastated -- though it takes another four scenes
before we get around to learning that the victim was her brother -- and Anna heads back to her
childhood home in Little Havana to take care of family affairs.
| Eva Longoria gets more screen time here at the 'Bin than she does in Señorita Justice. |
Come to think of it, I don't believe Señorita Justice so much as chips a nail during her quest to
Avenge Her Brother and Take Down The Man. If only the filmmakers executed so flawlessly: in
addition to a gripping sub-plot involving a real estate deal and numerous scenes with people
animatedly "talking" in the background (I suspect they're all exchanging rhubarb recipes) we're
also treated to some haphazard editing, amateurish fight choreography, awesomely bad
sound effects and some borderline-incompetent cinematography -- I don't think I've ever seen
so many people get their heads chopped off without the use of a guillotine.
Of course, on a site like this one, that kind of sloppy flimmaking only increases the movie's
value.
Avenge Her Brother and Take Down The Man. If only the filmmakers executed so flawlessly: in
addition to a gripping sub-plot involving a real estate deal and numerous scenes with people
animatedly "talking" in the background (I suspect they're all exchanging rhubarb recipes) we're
also treated to some haphazard editing, amateurish fight choreography, awesomely bad
sound effects and some borderline-incompetent cinematography -- I don't think I've ever seen
so many people get their heads chopped off without the use of a guillotine.
Of course, on a site like this one, that kind of sloppy flimmaking only increases the movie's
value.
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