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SAMURAI PRINCESS
* * (2009, 82 minutes, Unrated)
A new pile of body parts ever seven minutes or your money back!
I have a confession for you… It may be shocking coming from someone who likes to spend his
time watching and reviewing bad movies, but I think you can handle it: I’m not much of a gore
hound.
Oh, I’m not squeamish -- gore doesn’t bother me all that much. But gore for gore’s sake just
doesn’t do much for me, and if overdone, I find it all to be pointless or needlessly unsettling or
both. This is why I was somewhat apprehensive of taking on the reader recommendation of
Samurai Princess, a Japanese film from the makers of Tokyo Gore Police.
* * (2009, 82 minutes, Unrated)
A new pile of body parts ever seven minutes or your money back!
I have a confession for you… It may be shocking coming from someone who likes to spend his
time watching and reviewing bad movies, but I think you can handle it: I’m not much of a gore
hound.
Oh, I’m not squeamish -- gore doesn’t bother me all that much. But gore for gore’s sake just
doesn’t do much for me, and if overdone, I find it all to be pointless or needlessly unsettling or
both. This is why I was somewhat apprehensive of taking on the reader recommendation of
Samurai Princess, a Japanese film from the makers of Tokyo Gore Police.
 |
The recommendation came from Eric Knapp, Friend of The
‘Bin an author of "Cluck: Murder Most Fowl" and the
upcoming sequel "Quack." So I figured if I really hated the
movie, I could just throw it in his face forever.
The opening shot is of some guy’s head getting stepped on,
crushing like a rotten pumpkin. The Samurai Princess faces
off with the head-stomper, and it’s not much of a fight. She
cuts off his nose, then his ears, then his hands, chops him
up good. She then makes a stew out of him to feed his
cronies. Because it’s that kind of movie.
Okay, so here’s the situation: Before the Samurai Princess
became a Samurai Princess, she was just a schoolgirl who
liked to frolic by the river with her 11 closest friends. Yes,
eleven. Everything is done in Japan in large groups -- it’s a
culture thing. A gang shows up and rapes and kills all but
two of the girls. It’s a mercifully brief and non-graphic
sequence, though the filmmakers immediately make up for it
by showing one of the surviving girls getting split up the
middle by the gang leader’s chainsaw leg.
‘Bin an author of "Cluck: Murder Most Fowl" and the
upcoming sequel "Quack." So I figured if I really hated the
movie, I could just throw it in his face forever.
The opening shot is of some guy’s head getting stepped on,
crushing like a rotten pumpkin. The Samurai Princess faces
off with the head-stomper, and it’s not much of a fight. She
cuts off his nose, then his ears, then his hands, chops him
up good. She then makes a stew out of him to feed his
cronies. Because it’s that kind of movie.
Okay, so here’s the situation: Before the Samurai Princess
became a Samurai Princess, she was just a schoolgirl who
liked to frolic by the river with her 11 closest friends. Yes,
eleven. Everything is done in Japan in large groups -- it’s a
culture thing. A gang shows up and rapes and kills all but
two of the girls. It’s a mercifully brief and non-graphic
sequence, though the filmmakers immediately make up for it
by showing one of the surviving girls getting split up the
middle by the gang leader’s chainsaw leg.
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| The critically acclaimed -- yes, really -- Tokyo Gore Police |
Ayeah, the gang leader is some kind of mutant. He has some kind of mutanty latex jaw, the ability
to punch a man’s skeleton straight out of his body and a chainsaw leg. That he can launch like a
rocket.
His girlfriend has her intestines outside of her body, which she wraps around her like a scarf. It
really is that kind of a movie.
A mad (as in crazy) scientist named Karaku and his two groupies assemble a “mecha” from the
pile of body parts. The mecha is equipped with 11 deadly weapons (including boob grenades)
to punch a man’s skeleton straight out of his body and a chainsaw leg. That he can launch like a
rocket.
His girlfriend has her intestines outside of her body, which she wraps around her like a scarf. It
really is that kind of a movie.
A mad (as in crazy) scientist named Karaku and his two groupies assemble a “mecha” from the
pile of body parts. The mecha is equipped with 11 deadly weapons (including boob grenades)
| One of the Samurai Princess's weapons is a Gigan-esque circular saw that comes out of her chest. |
and the souls of the 11 dead girls. And now the
mecha, calling herself The Samurai Princess, is out
for some bloody revenge.
And bloody it is. Which is where my not being much
of a gore hound became a bit of a hindrance. No
one can simply be stabbed or shot -- there has to be
a few gallons of arterial stray first. And by the fourth
or fifth heaping pile of body parts, it was all
becoming pretty hum-drum.
The Samurai Princess eventually teams up with a
rebel whose name I never caught, so I dubbed him
Fisty Guitar Guy for his giant mutant right hand and
rockin’ guitar weapon. He teaches her how to fight
-- which she seemed to be doing quite well already
-- and she has an artsy sex fantasy about him. That
was good stuff.
I suppose there’s something of a twist near the end
when the big climatic fight is not against with the
mecha, calling herself The Samurai Princess, is out
for some bloody revenge.
And bloody it is. Which is where my not being much
of a gore hound became a bit of a hindrance. No
one can simply be stabbed or shot -- there has to be
a few gallons of arterial stray first. And by the fourth
or fifth heaping pile of body parts, it was all
becoming pretty hum-drum.
The Samurai Princess eventually teams up with a
rebel whose name I never caught, so I dubbed him
Fisty Guitar Guy for his giant mutant right hand and
rockin’ guitar weapon. He teaches her how to fight
-- which she seemed to be doing quite well already
-- and she has an artsy sex fantasy about him. That
was good stuff.
I suppose there’s something of a twist near the end
when the big climatic fight is not against with the
gang leader and his girlfriend but with Karaku and his “ultimate weapon” (which looks like a
rejected concept for a He-Man villain), but that would imply that the film was coherent enough for
something to be surprising. And given what I’ve described about the film, can anything be
surprising?
Samurai Princess is definitely outlandish… I just don’t know if I cared. I’m sure many of you out
there will love this movie, but it just wasn’t for me.
rejected concept for a He-Man villain), but that would imply that the film was coherent enough for
something to be surprising. And given what I’ve described about the film, can anything be
surprising?
Samurai Princess is definitely outlandish… I just don’t know if I cared. I’m sure many of you out
there will love this movie, but it just wasn’t for me.
Put off by Nolahn's non-gorehoundness and want a second opinion?
Check out what these Friends of The 'Bin had to say about Princess
Samurai...
AEEST
Cool Awesome Movies
Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews
Check out what these Friends of The 'Bin had to say about Princess
Samurai...
AEEST
Cool Awesome Movies
Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews
| I swear, there must've been an "All for a Yen" deal on fake body parts in Tokyo's Body Part Emporium that week... |