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RUNAWAY
* * (1984, 100 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Robots Gone Wild!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Let's get this out of our systems now: Chances are when you read the title of this movie, your mind
either went "Wah-wah-wah-wah-won-n-der!" or had Bon Jovi cranking away. So go ahead and
click the appropriate link in that last statement -- it'll pop open a separate window and give you
something to listen to as you enjoy this review.
And now, to the movie: After an opening credit sequence that screams, "I Heart My Apple IIe!" we
* * (1984, 100 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Robots Gone Wild!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Let's get this out of our systems now: Chances are when you read the title of this movie, your mind
either went "Wah-wah-wah-wah-won-n-der!" or had Bon Jovi cranking away. So go ahead and
click the appropriate link in that last statement -- it'll pop open a separate window and give you
something to listen to as you enjoy this review.
And now, to the movie: After an opening credit sequence that screams, "I Heart My Apple IIe!" we
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meet Tom Selleck, who is a cop IN THE FUTURE. Tom
Selleck and his new partner, Hottie McWhatserface, are
part of a new division within the police force of THE
FUTURE, investigating Robots Gone Wild.
You see, IN THE FUTURE we've replaced all our migrant
workers with robots. That may sound perfect if you're the
governor of Arizona, except these aren't awesome robots
like R2-D2 or Jet Jaguar or even Rosie the Robot. At
best, the robots featured in Runaway are like the RC
Racer versions of Wall-E.
In fact, it’s not hard to think of cooler robots. Check out
our Side Bar Special for just a few.
Most of the robots in this film actually look like the '70s
version of IKEA office furniture. One of the more
elaborate robots, "LOIS," serves as a bit of comic relief.
LOIS, who looks like a stack of stereo equipment on
coasters, watches after Tom Selleck's son and basically
Selleck and his new partner, Hottie McWhatserface, are
part of a new division within the police force of THE
FUTURE, investigating Robots Gone Wild.
You see, IN THE FUTURE we've replaced all our migrant
workers with robots. That may sound perfect if you're the
governor of Arizona, except these aren't awesome robots
like R2-D2 or Jet Jaguar or even Rosie the Robot. At
best, the robots featured in Runaway are like the RC
Racer versions of Wall-E.
In fact, it’s not hard to think of cooler robots. Check out
our Side Bar Special for just a few.
Most of the robots in this film actually look like the '70s
version of IKEA office furniture. One of the more
elaborate robots, "LOIS," serves as a bit of comic relief.
LOIS, who looks like a stack of stereo equipment on
coasters, watches after Tom Selleck's son and basically
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| The Apple IIe, star of the major motion picture Runaway. |
acts like Tom Selleck's mom. You'll be thrilled to know that despite all these technological
advances IN THE FUTURE, the cell phones are still the size of dumbbell.
advances IN THE FUTURE, the cell phones are still the size of dumbbell.
| That's nothing: You should see the size of his beeper. |
The first half of the movie runs like "COPS" in slow
motion: We follow Tom Selleck and Hottie
McWhatserface as they go from one assignment to the
next, dealing with day-laborer robots goin' rogue in a
cornfield, robots throwing bags of cement from the 18th
floor at a construction site, that kind of thing. I think
these malfunctioning robots are the titular "Runaways,"
but don't quote me on that.
In one highly dramatic scene, a shoebox on wheels
has gone berserk, slashing up two people (off-camera)
and holding a baby hostage with a .357 Magnum. After
a "floating camera" (an upended desk fan on strings) is
shot out of the air by the crazed shoebox, Tom Selleck
decides that he needs to go in and face the robot,
motion: We follow Tom Selleck and Hottie
McWhatserface as they go from one assignment to the
next, dealing with day-laborer robots goin' rogue in a
cornfield, robots throwing bags of cement from the 18th
floor at a construction site, that kind of thing. I think
these malfunctioning robots are the titular "Runaways,"
but don't quote me on that.
In one highly dramatic scene, a shoebox on wheels
has gone berserk, slashing up two people (off-camera)
and holding a baby hostage with a .357 Magnum. After
a "floating camera" (an upended desk fan on strings) is
shot out of the air by the crazed shoebox, Tom Selleck
decides that he needs to go in and face the robot,
mano-a-mano. In addition to not bothering with any kind of backup, Tom Selleck gets suited in
from neck to toes in chainmail but neglects to wear any kind of headgear.
Sadly, that's better protection than when Tom Selleck later takes on an angry humidifier that won't
stop zapping Kirstie Alley. According to the plot, the humidifier is zapping Kirstie Alley because
from neck to toes in chainmail but neglects to wear any kind of headgear.
Sadly, that's better protection than when Tom Selleck later takes on an angry humidifier that won't
stop zapping Kirstie Alley. According to the plot, the humidifier is zapping Kirstie Alley because
| Yes, this really is Kirstie Alley. No, I don't know how old this picture is. |
she's smoking in the office, but I like to think that its
zapping her on principle. Anyway, Tom Selleck has to
macho it up for the '80s version of Kirstie Alley, taking on
the humidifier armed with nothing but his moustache.
The humidifier has its way with Selleck until he treats the
robot to a conchairto.
By the halfway point, Tom Selleck and Hottie
McWhatserface have managed to link all of the Robots
Gone Wild to mad genius named Dr. Charles Luthor
(clearly the villain of the film cuz he's played by the
awesome Gene Simmons). Our dynamic duo spends the
rest of the time trying to apprehend Dr. Luthor and failing,
despite the fact that Luthor does thinks like murder people
in public and impersonate a police officer inside the
police station.
There's a very silly sequence where Luthor's men try to
blow up Tom Selleck's police cruiser with amped up
exploding Roombas. But most folks come for the robot
spiders, Dr. Luthor's own personal assassins. They
might almost be scary if they did jitter around like wind-up
toys.
zapping her on principle. Anyway, Tom Selleck has to
macho it up for the '80s version of Kirstie Alley, taking on
the humidifier armed with nothing but his moustache.
The humidifier has its way with Selleck until he treats the
robot to a conchairto.
By the halfway point, Tom Selleck and Hottie
McWhatserface have managed to link all of the Robots
Gone Wild to mad genius named Dr. Charles Luthor
(clearly the villain of the film cuz he's played by the
awesome Gene Simmons). Our dynamic duo spends the
rest of the time trying to apprehend Dr. Luthor and failing,
despite the fact that Luthor does thinks like murder people
in public and impersonate a police officer inside the
police station.
There's a very silly sequence where Luthor's men try to
blow up Tom Selleck's police cruiser with amped up
exploding Roombas. But most folks come for the robot
spiders, Dr. Luthor's own personal assassins. They
might almost be scary if they did jitter around like wind-up
toys.
Sadly, nothing in Runaway is as cool as I'm making it sound.
Oh, this should have been a delightfully cheesy experience. Unfortunately, it's ruined by Michael
Oh, this should have been a delightfully cheesy experience. Unfortunately, it's ruined by Michael
| Even Gene Simmons can't save this movie... and he can breathe fire. |
Crichton of all people -- yes, the guy who wrote "Jurassic Park."
Apparently, when the studio was putting together what was meant
to be the Big Sci-Fi Spectacle of 1984, someone thought that
writing popular novels like "The Andromeda Strain" made Michael
Crichton qualified to direct a high profile film.
(Okay, so he had a number of directing credits under his belt
before taking on this movie. Still.)
Not so much. Crichton's ponderous, leaden direction doesn't just
drag the action down, it tries to drown it in a puddle. Which is a
shame, because otherwise Runaway had all the makings of a
delightfully bad film.
Apparently, when the studio was putting together what was meant
to be the Big Sci-Fi Spectacle of 1984, someone thought that
writing popular novels like "The Andromeda Strain" made Michael
Crichton qualified to direct a high profile film.
(Okay, so he had a number of directing credits under his belt
before taking on this movie. Still.)
Not so much. Crichton's ponderous, leaden direction doesn't just
drag the action down, it tries to drown it in a puddle. Which is a
shame, because otherwise Runaway had all the makings of a
delightfully bad film.
W Making a movie about THE FUTURE can be hard -- I get that. I really do. Know what's not hard? Making movie robots. And I'm sorry, but Runaway fails badly. A movie about Robots Gone Wild should be awesome. Instead, we get Roomba: The Movie. Just to prove my point, pictured below are a bunch of robots -- many of which were created well before Runaway -- that are far cooler than anything in this film. |
| HARDLY TRYING: ROBOTS A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
