RUMPELSTILTSKIN
* * (1995, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
You remember Rumpelstiltskin, right? That's the story where some lady promises an old guy
that if he can spin straw into gold to help her become queen, he'll get her first-born. The little old
guy fulfills his end, but then the newly crowned queen uses the "I know your name" loophole to
get out of handing over her kid. The moral of the story is that the rich and beautiful always find a
way to screw people out of oral contracts.
So of course, this is a horror film.
The film opens "Somewhere in Europe – 1400s." Where in Europe? Who cares, we're
Americans! Rumpelstiltskin (played by Max Grodenchik in a bunch of his Ferengi makeup
swiped off the set of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is scampering through the forest with an infant
and an angry mob in pursuit. Some surly den mother comes out of the mob to confront Rumpy,
and they throw glitter at each other.
The surly den mother curses Rumpy for 1,000 years, but get this: she builds a loophole into the
curse. Who does that? Why bother making a curse at all? And it's the vaguest loophole ever:
"broken by a wish, a child, heartfelt tears." Seriously? I might've singlehandedly broken the
curse the year I really wanted Rock'em Sock'em Robots for Christmas. Anyway, Rumpy gets
torched, turned into a petrified turd and thrown into the ocean.
Fast-forward to present day Hell-Lay, accentuated with the Worst Rap Music Ever. Officer
DestinedToDie gets killed in the line of duty, leaving behind single-mom Shelly, who finds the
petrified turd in a curio shop… you see where this is going, don't you? The rest of the movie is
just a series of scenes where Rumpy busts through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man, makes wise
cracks and then gets run over by a car.
* * (1995, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
You remember Rumpelstiltskin, right? That's the story where some lady promises an old guy
that if he can spin straw into gold to help her become queen, he'll get her first-born. The little old
guy fulfills his end, but then the newly crowned queen uses the "I know your name" loophole to
get out of handing over her kid. The moral of the story is that the rich and beautiful always find a
way to screw people out of oral contracts.
So of course, this is a horror film.
The film opens "Somewhere in Europe – 1400s." Where in Europe? Who cares, we're
Americans! Rumpelstiltskin (played by Max Grodenchik in a bunch of his Ferengi makeup
swiped off the set of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is scampering through the forest with an infant
and an angry mob in pursuit. Some surly den mother comes out of the mob to confront Rumpy,
and they throw glitter at each other.
The surly den mother curses Rumpy for 1,000 years, but get this: she builds a loophole into the
curse. Who does that? Why bother making a curse at all? And it's the vaguest loophole ever:
"broken by a wish, a child, heartfelt tears." Seriously? I might've singlehandedly broken the
curse the year I really wanted Rock'em Sock'em Robots for Christmas. Anyway, Rumpy gets
torched, turned into a petrified turd and thrown into the ocean.
Fast-forward to present day Hell-Lay, accentuated with the Worst Rap Music Ever. Officer
DestinedToDie gets killed in the line of duty, leaving behind single-mom Shelly, who finds the
petrified turd in a curio shop… you see where this is going, don't you? The rest of the movie is
just a series of scenes where Rumpy busts through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man, makes wise
cracks and then gets run over by a car.
Here's my beef with the movie... um, besides the
obvious lameness: In the fairy tale,
Rumpelstiltskin and the maiden make a deal –
spin straw into gold for the first born. Sure it's
ethically challenged, but at least it was a mutually
agreed-upon arrangement. But no such
arrangement is made in the movie. Shelly wishes
that her dead hubby could meet their son, he
shows up (non-decomposed) for the weakest sex
scene ever and then Rumpy gets all in Shelly's
grill about how he wants the baby? Perhaps
instead of brutalizing him in front of her baby boy,
Shelly should have told Rumpy that he had no
legal claim to the child but was free to investigate
legal recourse.
Perhaps a couple years in our legal system's
lingo could stop the relentless Rumpelstiltskin.
Watching Rumpy sit around in the lobbies of
various government buildings would have been
about as entertaining as this film.
obvious lameness: In the fairy tale,
Rumpelstiltskin and the maiden make a deal –
spin straw into gold for the first born. Sure it's
ethically challenged, but at least it was a mutually
agreed-upon arrangement. But no such
arrangement is made in the movie. Shelly wishes
that her dead hubby could meet their son, he
shows up (non-decomposed) for the weakest sex
scene ever and then Rumpy gets all in Shelly's
grill about how he wants the baby? Perhaps
instead of brutalizing him in front of her baby boy,
Shelly should have told Rumpy that he had no
legal claim to the child but was free to investigate
legal recourse.
Perhaps a couple years in our legal system's
lingo could stop the relentless Rumpelstiltskin.
Watching Rumpy sit around in the lobbies of
various government buildings would have been
about as entertaining as this film.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
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| COMMENTS Have something to add? Tell us about it here. L to the Izzo says: check out the movie "pinnochio's revenge." it's pretty slow and stupid, but there's a creepy kid, boobies, and a puppet saying "bitch" (you have to wait to the end for that, but it's worth it). i think you'll like it much better than rumpelstiltskin. Nolahn says: Done and done. And yes, I did like it much better than Rumpelstiltskin... not that the bar was set very high. |