RUMPELSTILTSKIN
* * (1995, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
You remember Rumpelstiltskin, right? That's the story where some lady promises an old guy
that if he can spin straw into gold to help her become queen, he'll get her first-born. The little
old guy fulfills his end, but then the newly crowned queen uses the "I know your name" loophole
to get out of handing over her kid. The moral of the story is that the rich and beautiful always find
a way to screw people out of oral contracts.
So of course, this is a horror film.
The film opens "Somewhere in Europe – 1400s." Where in Europe? Who cares, we're
Americans! Rumpelstiltskin (played by Max Grodenchik in a bunch of his Ferengi makeup
swiped off the set of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is scampering through the forest with an
infant and an angry mob in pursuit. Some surly den mother comes out of the mob to confront
Rumpy, and they throw glitter at each other.
The surly den mother curses Rumpy for 1,000 years, but get this: she builds a loophole into the
curse. Who does that? Why bother making a curse at all? And it's the vaguest loophole ever:
"broken by a wish, a child, heartfelt tears." Seriously? I might've singlehandedly broken the
curse the year I really wanted Rock'em Sock'em Robots for Christmas. Anyway, Rumpy gets
torched, turned into a petrified turd and thrown into the ocean.
* * (1995, 91 minutes, Rated R)
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
You remember Rumpelstiltskin, right? That's the story where some lady promises an old guy
that if he can spin straw into gold to help her become queen, he'll get her first-born. The little
old guy fulfills his end, but then the newly crowned queen uses the "I know your name" loophole
to get out of handing over her kid. The moral of the story is that the rich and beautiful always find
a way to screw people out of oral contracts.
So of course, this is a horror film.
The film opens "Somewhere in Europe – 1400s." Where in Europe? Who cares, we're
Americans! Rumpelstiltskin (played by Max Grodenchik in a bunch of his Ferengi makeup
swiped off the set of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is scampering through the forest with an
infant and an angry mob in pursuit. Some surly den mother comes out of the mob to confront
Rumpy, and they throw glitter at each other.
The surly den mother curses Rumpy for 1,000 years, but get this: she builds a loophole into the
curse. Who does that? Why bother making a curse at all? And it's the vaguest loophole ever:
"broken by a wish, a child, heartfelt tears." Seriously? I might've singlehandedly broken the
curse the year I really wanted Rock'em Sock'em Robots for Christmas. Anyway, Rumpy gets
torched, turned into a petrified turd and thrown into the ocean.
Fast-forward to present day Hell-Lay, accentuated with the
Worst Rap Music Ever. Officer DestinedToDie gets killed in
the line of duty, leaving behind single-mom Shelly, who
finds the petrified turd in a curio shop… you see where this
is going, don't you? The rest of the movie is just a series of
scenes where Rumpy busts through a wall like the Kool-
Aid Man, makes wise cracks and then gets run over by a
car.
Here's my beef with the movie... um, besides the obvious
lameness:
In the fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin and the maiden make a
deal – spin straw into gold for the first born. Sure it's
ethically challenged, but at least it was a mutually agreed-
upon arrangement. But no such arrangement is made in
the movie. Shelly wishes that her dead hubby could meet
their son, he shows up (non-decomposed) for the weakest
sex scene ever and then Rumpy gets all in Shelly's grill
about how he wants the baby? Perhaps instead of
brutalizing him in front of her baby boy, Shelly should have
told Rumpy that he had no legal claim to the child but was
free to investigate legal recourse.
Perhaps a couple years in our legal system's lingo could
stop the relentless Rumpelstiltskin. Watching Rumpy sit
around in the lobbies of various government buildings
would have been about as entertaining as this film.
Worst Rap Music Ever. Officer DestinedToDie gets killed in
the line of duty, leaving behind single-mom Shelly, who
finds the petrified turd in a curio shop… you see where this
is going, don't you? The rest of the movie is just a series of
scenes where Rumpy busts through a wall like the Kool-
Aid Man, makes wise cracks and then gets run over by a
car.
Here's my beef with the movie... um, besides the obvious
lameness:
In the fairy tale, Rumpelstiltskin and the maiden make a
deal – spin straw into gold for the first born. Sure it's
ethically challenged, but at least it was a mutually agreed-
upon arrangement. But no such arrangement is made in
the movie. Shelly wishes that her dead hubby could meet
their son, he shows up (non-decomposed) for the weakest
sex scene ever and then Rumpy gets all in Shelly's grill
about how he wants the baby? Perhaps instead of
brutalizing him in front of her baby boy, Shelly should have
told Rumpy that he had no legal claim to the child but was
free to investigate legal recourse.
Perhaps a couple years in our legal system's lingo could
stop the relentless Rumpelstiltskin. Watching Rumpy sit
around in the lobbies of various government buildings
would have been about as entertaining as this film.
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