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THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY
* * (1957, 65 minutes, Unrated)
A.K.A. The Aztec People vs. Robert Bork
Did you know that (as of the writing of this review) there are nearly 30 Godzilla movies. Nearly 30! I
know! If that seems impossible for you to get your head around, consider that Toho quickly
* * (1957, 65 minutes, Unrated)
A.K.A. The Aztec People vs. Robert Bork
Did you know that (as of the writing of this review) there are nearly 30 Godzilla movies. Nearly 30! I
know! If that seems impossible for you to get your head around, consider that Toho quickly
 |
learned something about human nature: We love
a good monster mash.
Sadly, The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is not a
good monster mash.
Our film opens with stock footage of Aztec
pyramids. Our Stately Narrator assures us that
the story we're about to see has been pieced
together from scientific evidence and sworn
testimony. Somehow, I doubt it.
You know, ya gotta love these old movies. This is
the type of film where everyone's a doctor and
a good monster mash.
Sadly, The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is not a
good monster mash.
Our film opens with stock footage of Aztec
pyramids. Our Stately Narrator assures us that
the story we're about to see has been pieced
together from scientific evidence and sworn
testimony. Somehow, I doubt it.
You know, ya gotta love these old movies. This is
the type of film where everyone's a doctor and
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| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |
| Sadly, Godzilla (above) does not appear in this film. |
dresses in suits all the time. One doctor is hosting some science buddies for what will amount to
a very, very long flashback.
Turns out that the Doc has been experimenting with regression hypnosis to past lives, starting
with his wife. Hey, anything to keep a marriage exciting, right? Doc learns that his wife had a past
life as an ancient Aztec maiden who ran off with a warrior rather than "keep her maidenhood intact"
for her eventual sacrifice.
Hey, it's a flashback within a flashback! For her efforts, Ancient Aztec Wife is forced to drink some
soup and have her hair teased before being sacrificed anyway. The Aztec Warrior/Lover is buried
alive and has a curse put on him. All of this is set to a stilted song and dance number with lots
and lots of dry ice. It's the helluva lot of padding for a film that's only 65 minutes long.
Back in our primary flashback, the Doc is reporting his findings at a consortium. Among them is a
Robert Bork-looking doctor who is out to steal the Doc's hypnosis technology. Yes, I know just
a very, very long flashback.
Turns out that the Doc has been experimenting with regression hypnosis to past lives, starting
with his wife. Hey, anything to keep a marriage exciting, right? Doc learns that his wife had a past
life as an ancient Aztec maiden who ran off with a warrior rather than "keep her maidenhood intact"
for her eventual sacrifice.
Hey, it's a flashback within a flashback! For her efforts, Ancient Aztec Wife is forced to drink some
soup and have her hair teased before being sacrificed anyway. The Aztec Warrior/Lover is buried
alive and has a curse put on him. All of this is set to a stilted song and dance number with lots
and lots of dry ice. It's the helluva lot of padding for a film that's only 65 minutes long.
Back in our primary flashback, the Doc is reporting his findings at a consortium. Among them is a
Robert Bork-looking doctor who is out to steal the Doc's hypnosis technology. Yes, I know just
how much I'm dating myself with the Robert Bork
reference, but it's absolutely uncanny how much our
villain looks like Bork.
The Doc's flashback takes us into an Aztec pyramid to
prove the accuracy of his wife's regression hypnosis.
There's some nonsense about a breastplate and a
bracelet that leads to a hidden Aztec treasure, and of
course, an Aztec Mummy! If you're wondering, an
Aztec Mummy is much like your traditional Egyptian
Mummy in that both have bad skin and walk very, very,
very slowly.
Strangely, the Aztec Mummy can spray acid and be
warded away with a crucifix. Why not?
Later, the Evil Robert Bork scientist kidnaps Doc's
wife to get the breastplate/bracelet combo and force
reference, but it's absolutely uncanny how much our
villain looks like Bork.
The Doc's flashback takes us into an Aztec pyramid to
prove the accuracy of his wife's regression hypnosis.
There's some nonsense about a breastplate and a
bracelet that leads to a hidden Aztec treasure, and of
course, an Aztec Mummy! If you're wondering, an
Aztec Mummy is much like your traditional Egyptian
Mummy in that both have bad skin and walk very, very,
very slowly.
Strangely, the Aztec Mummy can spray acid and be
warded away with a crucifix. Why not?
Later, the Evil Robert Bork scientist kidnaps Doc's
wife to get the breastplate/bracelet combo and force
| Contrary to many beliefs, Robert Bork is not an evil scientist. |
Doc to decode the hieroglyphics. I know this all sounds like gibberish -- just roll with it. Anyway, it
turns out that Robert Bork wants the Aztec treasure to help fund his own expensive research.
Seems like a long way to go for funding, but okay. Doc stalls to allow for the Aztec Mummy to
shuffle on over. Sure enough, the Aztec Mummy throws Robert Bork into a conveniently located
"pit full of rattlers," as one often finds in a laboratory.
turns out that Robert Bork wants the Aztec treasure to help fund his own expensive research.
Seems like a long way to go for funding, but okay. Doc stalls to allow for the Aztec Mummy to
shuffle on over. Sure enough, the Aztec Mummy throws Robert Bork into a conveniently located
"pit full of rattlers," as one often finds in a laboratory.
| Okay, so the Robot in this film wishes it could look as cool as Iron Man's Mark 1. |
You might think that Robert Bork had just been Borked, but no
such luck. Bork comes back strong and, with nearly 15
minutes left to the film, unveils his "human robot." At best, the
Robot looks like Iron Man's Mark 1. Unfortunately, the Robot
also looks like a guy inside a silver refrigerator box.
And much like a refrigerator box, this Robot doesn't have
knees.
Needless to say, when we finally do get the titular face off, it
largely involves lurching slowly towards each other with arms
stretched forward a la Frankenstein‘s monster. Quality stuff,
but not worth waiting over an hour for.
In fact, "lurching" is a good way to describe this film.
such luck. Bork comes back strong and, with nearly 15
minutes left to the film, unveils his "human robot." At best, the
Robot looks like Iron Man's Mark 1. Unfortunately, the Robot
also looks like a guy inside a silver refrigerator box.
And much like a refrigerator box, this Robot doesn't have
knees.
Needless to say, when we finally do get the titular face off, it
largely involves lurching slowly towards each other with arms
stretched forward a la Frankenstein‘s monster. Quality stuff,
but not worth waiting over an hour for.
In fact, "lurching" is a good way to describe this film.
| Wanna save yourself 65 minutes? Look at this picture. Make this noise: "Urgh! Urgh!" Tilt your head from side to side. There's your fight scene. |
The Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy was reviewed as part of the Mexican Horror
Experiment of Strictly Splatter's B-Movie Meatloaf. Make sure to head on
over to Strictly Splatter to check out the other entries into the roundtable.
Looking for a second opinion? May we suggest reviews from these quality
sites...
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
THE MONSTER SHACK
Experiment of Strictly Splatter's B-Movie Meatloaf. Make sure to head on
over to Strictly Splatter to check out the other entries into the roundtable.
Looking for a second opinion? May we suggest reviews from these quality
sites...
INVASION OF THE B-MOVIES
THE MONSTER SHACK
| '12 Binnie Winner! |