BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
ROTTWEILER
* (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R)
The heart-warming story of a man and the killer cyborg dog that wanted to eat him.
I don't like dogs. Most of the dogs I've encountered jump around like mental patients,
slobbering everywhere, trying to nuzzle my crotch or hump my leg. The fact that dogs are
considered "Man's best friend" doesn't say much about Man.
There was one dog I did like, a Rottweiler that belonged to my friend, the good Dr. Jon. She
was very gentle and sweet and never reduced herself to the aforementioned jumping,
slobbering, nuzzling and humping. Against conventional wisdom, Dr. Jon's Rottie wouldn't
have harmed a fly. And even though she wasn't partially robotic and trained to kill, she was
much cooler than the dog featured in Rottweiler.
Now you might think a film about a half-dog, half-robot killing machine would be the brainchild
of a writing team some 30 minutes before the munchies kicked in on a late Friday night. But no,
the opening credits inform us that Rottweiler is based of the novel El Perro (not to be confused
with Walter El Perro Pedorrer) which I imagine is one of Oprah's Book Club selections. Set in
the year 2018, an American named Dante – that's screenwriting shorthand for "guy about to go
through Hell" – escapes from an Immigration Containment Zone in southern Spain, and
RoboSpot is sent to track him down.
(If you're wondering, "Immigration Containment Zone" is P.C. for "chain-gang." It seems that in
2018's Spain, illegal immigrants caught can be imprisoned indefinitely or shot on sight…
something I'm sure is being considered for the next iteration of the PATRIOT Act.)
* (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R)
The heart-warming story of a man and the killer cyborg dog that wanted to eat him.
I don't like dogs. Most of the dogs I've encountered jump around like mental patients,
slobbering everywhere, trying to nuzzle my crotch or hump my leg. The fact that dogs are
considered "Man's best friend" doesn't say much about Man.
There was one dog I did like, a Rottweiler that belonged to my friend, the good Dr. Jon. She
was very gentle and sweet and never reduced herself to the aforementioned jumping,
slobbering, nuzzling and humping. Against conventional wisdom, Dr. Jon's Rottie wouldn't
have harmed a fly. And even though she wasn't partially robotic and trained to kill, she was
much cooler than the dog featured in Rottweiler.
Now you might think a film about a half-dog, half-robot killing machine would be the brainchild
of a writing team some 30 minutes before the munchies kicked in on a late Friday night. But no,
the opening credits inform us that Rottweiler is based of the novel El Perro (not to be confused
with Walter El Perro Pedorrer) which I imagine is one of Oprah's Book Club selections. Set in
the year 2018, an American named Dante – that's screenwriting shorthand for "guy about to go
through Hell" – escapes from an Immigration Containment Zone in southern Spain, and
RoboSpot is sent to track him down.
(If you're wondering, "Immigration Containment Zone" is P.C. for "chain-gang." It seems that in
2018's Spain, illegal immigrants caught can be imprisoned indefinitely or shot on sight…
something I'm sure is being considered for the next iteration of the PATRIOT Act.)
You might think this is all good fun, what with the
robotic dog and the high body count and inevitable
climax where RoboSpot emerges from the flames as
one pissed off Claymation exoskeleton (and if that
was a spoiler for you, feel free to slap yourself
repeatedly), but it's not. One major problem is that
there's quite a bit of MALE nudity in this film. That's
right: For a portion of the movie, it's not just prisoner
vs. bionic dog but naked prisoner vs. bionic dog,
complete with Dante's "Little Virgil" bouncing around
as he flees RoboSpot. Who the hell wants to see
that? I have to see myself naked getting out of the
shower every morning – isn't that bad enough?
An even bigger problem is that this movie takes itself
sooooo seriously that watching it feels like work.
This isn't just a movie, the director is trying to tell you
with the subtlety of a kick in the crotch, this is ART.
Consider our hero, Dante. Sure he spouts some tough guy talk, but between the
shoulder-length brown hair, the occasional visions and the wound on his hand that starts
bleeding every time RoboSpot is near, the none-too-subtle subtext is that he's the Christ-figure
of the story. The problem with this is that Dante is a bit of a douche bag.
Also, there's some sort of Evil Fog that's introduced early on. We know the fog is evil because
one character tells us so. Also, after taking a gunshot to the head, the Evil Fog revives
RoboSpot with enough Puppy Power to survive several more gunshot wounds, a fall from a
moving vehicle and a helicopter crash. I guess the subtext here is that there are evil forces at
work in this world. That, or the director was just really excited to use the dry ice machine.
And finally, consider that when characters aren't lobbing up generic tough guy talk, they all talk
about destiny. In this case, the subtest is obvious: Watch this movie, and you're destined to
wish you had those 98 minutes back.
shoulder-length brown hair, the occasional visions and the wound on his hand that starts
bleeding every time RoboSpot is near, the none-too-subtle subtext is that he's the Christ-figure
of the story. The problem with this is that Dante is a bit of a douche bag.
Also, there's some sort of Evil Fog that's introduced early on. We know the fog is evil because
one character tells us so. Also, after taking a gunshot to the head, the Evil Fog revives
RoboSpot with enough Puppy Power to survive several more gunshot wounds, a fall from a
moving vehicle and a helicopter crash. I guess the subtext here is that there are evil forces at
work in this world. That, or the director was just really excited to use the dry ice machine.
And finally, consider that when characters aren't lobbing up generic tough guy talk, they all talk
about destiny. In this case, the subtest is obvious: Watch this movie, and you're destined to
wish you had those 98 minutes back.
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