 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
ROBOT MONSTER
* * * (1953, 62 minutes, Unrated)
A B-Movie Icon
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
My study of bad films began in earnest in junior high, when my parents taped a late-night airing of
a compilation film called It Came From Hollywood. This film has Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Gilda
Radner and Cheech & Chong introducing and quipping away at clips of a variety of classic
b-movies. I have a couple years worth of films to review based only on the movies featured in It
Came From Hollywood, and I'm sure I'll do a piece on this film at some point.
Featured prominently in It Came From Hollywood, right along with the sections on teenage
hoodlums and Ed Wood films, was this:
* * * (1953, 62 minutes, Unrated)
A B-Movie Icon
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
My study of bad films began in earnest in junior high, when my parents taped a late-night airing of
a compilation film called It Came From Hollywood. This film has Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Gilda
Radner and Cheech & Chong introducing and quipping away at clips of a variety of classic
b-movies. I have a couple years worth of films to review based only on the movies featured in It
Came From Hollywood, and I'm sure I'll do a piece on this film at some point.
Featured prominently in It Came From Hollywood, right along with the sections on teenage
hoodlums and Ed Wood films, was this:
 |
Yes, that is a guy in an ape suit with a diver's helmet. I had to see this movie, and now that time
has come.
Robot Monster opens with credits running over a pile of comic books. Believe it or not, the music
by Elmer Bernstein (!!).
We open with a young brother and sister playing in a rock quarry. Yay! They bicker over what to
play, and then chat up a pair of archaeologists chipping away in a cave. The kids are called away
for a picnic, followed strangely by a group nap.
When Brother wakes up, he wanders back to the cave. Suddenly: Lightening! Explosions! Stock
footage of lizards fighting! Brother climbs up the side of the cave, and out comes...
has come.
Robot Monster opens with credits running over a pile of comic books. Believe it or not, the music
by Elmer Bernstein (!!).
We open with a young brother and sister playing in a rock quarry. Yay! They bicker over what to
play, and then chat up a pair of archaeologists chipping away in a cave. The kids are called away
for a picnic, followed strangely by a group nap.
When Brother wakes up, he wanders back to the cave. Suddenly: Lightening! Explosions! Stock
footage of lizards fighting! Brother climbs up the side of the cave, and out comes...
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
This is Ro-Man, and yes, it's a guy in an ape suit with a diver's helmet. Ro-Man enjoys long walks
around desolate locations, gesticulating wildly and young ladies in torpedo-shaped braziers.
Ro-Man has been sent to Earth to eradicate the "Hu-Mans," and is just about done (it certainly
helped that many countries started nuking each other). The Home Office informs him that eight
humans still live, and to stop slacking off “…or I will sentence you for failure!” Home Office
intones, sounding very much like Kang from “The Simpsons.” Which pretty much means our
planet was destroyed by the Homer Simpson of Planet Ro-Man.
around desolate locations, gesticulating wildly and young ladies in torpedo-shaped braziers.
Ro-Man has been sent to Earth to eradicate the "Hu-Mans," and is just about done (it certainly
helped that many countries started nuking each other). The Home Office informs him that eight
humans still live, and to stop slacking off “…or I will sentence you for failure!” Home Office
intones, sounding very much like Kang from “The Simpsons.” Which pretty much means our
planet was destroyed by the Homer Simpson of Planet Ro-Man.
| Homer Simpson, Destroyer of Worlds |
In the film’s most disorienting moment (which is quite a feat in
this movie), we find out that the survivors include Brother, Sister
and their Mom, who is now married to one of the archaeologists
from the beginning, Big Sis, who is in a quasi-romantic
relationship with the other archaeologist. At the risk of being a
SPOILER sport, this is a strange revelation.
Our family of survivors -- let’s call them the Probsts, just for
laughs -- have so far evaded Ro-Man by living in an area
surrounded by buzzing electric fences (which they’ve been very
careful not to whiz on). It also helps that Papa Probst created an
antibiotic to make them all immune to disease and Ro-Man‘s
death ray. This doesn’t stop Ro-Man from radioing in to their
video screen to taunt them like a low-level wrestling heel.
this movie), we find out that the survivors include Brother, Sister
and their Mom, who is now married to one of the archaeologists
from the beginning, Big Sis, who is in a quasi-romantic
relationship with the other archaeologist. At the risk of being a
SPOILER sport, this is a strange revelation.
Our family of survivors -- let’s call them the Probsts, just for
laughs -- have so far evaded Ro-Man by living in an area
surrounded by buzzing electric fences (which they’ve been very
careful not to whiz on). It also helps that Papa Probst created an
antibiotic to make them all immune to disease and Ro-Man‘s
death ray. This doesn’t stop Ro-Man from radioing in to their
video screen to taunt them like a low-level wrestling heel.
The Probsts are all duly intimidated and begin plotting a way to get Papa Probst’s serum to a
garrison hiding out in a space station. This gives Big Sis and her hunky archaeologist something
to bicker about. “I’m bossy?” he incredulously counters, “You’re so bossy, you should be milked
before you come home at night!” Ah, young love.
Unfortunately for our hunky and sometimes shirtless archaeologist, there’s another suitor vying for
Big Sis’s attention…
garrison hiding out in a space station. This gives Big Sis and her hunky archaeologist something
to bicker about. “I’m bossy?” he incredulously counters, “You’re so bossy, you should be milked
before you come home at night!” Ah, young love.
Unfortunately for our hunky and sometimes shirtless archaeologist, there’s another suitor vying for
Big Sis’s attention…
Yes, that’s right: Ro-Man has developed feelings for Big Sis. In fact, when the Probsts call up Ro-
Man to iron out a peace treaty, Ro-Man instead asks Big Sis out on a date.
And that’s when we go to the INTERMISSION. Because the filmmakers clearly thought that 62
minutes of this film would be too much for the audience to sit through in one shot.
I could continue on with the plot of the film, but is there any point? You’re not going to watch this for
the deeply layered storyline or intricate characterizations. You’re going to watch this for the
cheaper than cheap special effects (like a bubble machine that doubles as alien technology), for
the random stock footage of lizards fighting and for lines like “You look like a pooped out
pinwheel.” You’re going to watch Robot Monster for this:
Man to iron out a peace treaty, Ro-Man instead asks Big Sis out on a date.
And that’s when we go to the INTERMISSION. Because the filmmakers clearly thought that 62
minutes of this film would be too much for the audience to sit through in one shot.
I could continue on with the plot of the film, but is there any point? You’re not going to watch this for
the deeply layered storyline or intricate characterizations. You’re going to watch this for the
cheaper than cheap special effects (like a bubble machine that doubles as alien technology), for
the random stock footage of lizards fighting and for lines like “You look like a pooped out
pinwheel.” You’re going to watch Robot Monster for this:
| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |