ROBOT JOX
* * * (1990, 85 minutes, Rated PG)
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: Now with 200% more futuristic Robot Jox straps!
Giant robots are awesome. At some point in his life, very guy wishes he could pilot a gigantic
robot -- it's one of those fantasies, like having super powers or doing two chicks at the same
time, that unifies men all over the world.
* * * (1990, 85 minutes, Rated PG)
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: Now with 200% more futuristic Robot Jox straps!
Giant robots are awesome. At some point in his life, very guy wishes he could pilot a gigantic
robot -- it's one of those fantasies, like having super powers or doing two chicks at the same
time, that unifies men all over the world.
So it was with great trepidation that I took on Robot Jox for June's Reader Appreciation Poll
Winning film. Part of me was excited to see giant robots duking it out. And part of me saw the
potential for this film to be eye-bleedingly awful. Given that "jocks" is spelled with an "x" in the
title, you can probably guess which way I though this movie would lean.
Thank God for low expectations.
We open with a slow pan over a wintery wonderhell and the kind of narration that screams "lazy
screenwriting." It's 50 years after a nuclear holocaust nearly wiped out mankind. As a result,
war has been outlawed (Huh? How does one enforce that?) and the world has been divided
into alliances -- just like on "Survivor"! Any territory disputes between the *cough, Commies,
cough* "Confederation" and the *cough, Americans, cough* "Market" are settled the way God
intended: In a battle between two men piloting giant robots.
Winning film. Part of me was excited to see giant robots duking it out. And part of me saw the
potential for this film to be eye-bleedingly awful. Given that "jocks" is spelled with an "x" in the
title, you can probably guess which way I though this movie would lean.
Thank God for low expectations.
We open with a slow pan over a wintery wonderhell and the kind of narration that screams "lazy
screenwriting." It's 50 years after a nuclear holocaust nearly wiped out mankind. As a result,
war has been outlawed (Huh? How does one enforce that?) and the world has been divided
into alliances -- just like on "Survivor"! Any territory disputes between the *cough, Commies,
cough* "Confederation" and the *cough, Americans, cough* "Market" are settled the way God
intended: In a battle between two men piloting giant robots.
And there they are now! It's the budget-saving tail-end of the battle, as bloodthirsty Russian
douche Alexander has his robot squish a Market pilot before taunting Achilles, the scarred and
soulful top gun for the Market. Achilles' trainer, an Old Hoss type who insists on wearing his
ten-gallon hat with his futuristic jumpsuit, is spittin' mad that "his boy" hasn't been allowed to
take on Alexander yet. The plan is to hold off on using Achilles until the great battle for...
ALASKA! Yes, even in the post-apocalyptic future, Alaska is chock-ful of natural goodness and
untapped oil that, if allowed to be drilled, would instantly bring the cost of gas down to around
$2.00 a gallon.
I bet right about you, you're thinking, "Hey, how exactly does one train to pilot giant battle
robots?" The answer, of course, is to put on your best spandex and engage in martial arts
sparring with a roomful of "tubies," the local slang for test tube babies.
douche Alexander has his robot squish a Market pilot before taunting Achilles, the scarred and
soulful top gun for the Market. Achilles' trainer, an Old Hoss type who insists on wearing his
ten-gallon hat with his futuristic jumpsuit, is spittin' mad that "his boy" hasn't been allowed to
take on Alexander yet. The plan is to hold off on using Achilles until the great battle for...
ALASKA! Yes, even in the post-apocalyptic future, Alaska is chock-ful of natural goodness and
untapped oil that, if allowed to be drilled, would instantly bring the cost of gas down to around
$2.00 a gallon.
I bet right about you, you're thinking, "Hey, how exactly does one train to pilot giant battle
robots?" The answer, of course, is to put on your best spandex and engage in martial arts
sparring with a roomful of "tubies," the local slang for test tube babies.
| Achilles (in black spandex and red Tae Bo gear), strikes a pose as Old Hoss (in background with black cowboy hat) taunts the "tubies." |
Yes, you'll be glad to hear that all the classic futuristic touches are here: flying cars with remote
controls the size of a brick, video phones, protective Robot Jox gear made from repurposed
motocross equipment and sound effects pulled right off of someone's Atari 2600. You'll also
be happy to hear that the primary influence on popular music in the future is Devo.
As for the giant robots themselves? I braced myself for guys in poorly made suits or, even
worse, terrible CGI. Instead, the producers went with... STOP ANIMATION! Nice! This certainly
helped make the movie charmingly bad as opposed to unwatchably bad.
But this movie is more than Rocky IV with robots (okay, maybe not much more). When a
comely "tubie" named Athena is chosen to take on Alexander, Achilles comes out of retirement.
Tension! And there may be a spy relaying secrets to the Confederation. Intrigue!
Guess what this movie is strangely light on? Actual robot battles!
Guess you can't have it all.
controls the size of a brick, video phones, protective Robot Jox gear made from repurposed
motocross equipment and sound effects pulled right off of someone's Atari 2600. You'll also
be happy to hear that the primary influence on popular music in the future is Devo.
As for the giant robots themselves? I braced myself for guys in poorly made suits or, even
worse, terrible CGI. Instead, the producers went with... STOP ANIMATION! Nice! This certainly
helped make the movie charmingly bad as opposed to unwatchably bad.
But this movie is more than Rocky IV with robots (okay, maybe not much more). When a
comely "tubie" named Athena is chosen to take on Alexander, Achilles comes out of retirement.
Tension! And there may be a spy relaying secrets to the Confederation. Intrigue!
Guess what this movie is strangely light on? Actual robot battles!
Guess you can't have it all.
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