ROBO VAMPIRE
* * * (1987, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Definitely... different.
I've watched some strange stuff for The 'Bin --
some of it outlandish, some of it weird and some
of it just awful. But this movie is on its own level.
After a great deal of deep thought, I think I've found
the best way to describe this movie: Robo
Vampire is the Jackson Pollock of bad movies.
That's not a complement.
The disorientation begins immediately: The film is
in a screen ratio uncommon in the U.S., and we
immediately begin in a cemetery with a couple
guys in uniform holding a man in a blue track suit
at gunpoint. They scuffle -- Who do we want to win
this fight? Who knows? -- and their scuffling
knocks open a tombstone, causing snakes to pop
out like they were stuffed in a nut can.
* * * (1987, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Definitely... different.
I've watched some strange stuff for The 'Bin --
some of it outlandish, some of it weird and some
of it just awful. But this movie is on its own level.
After a great deal of deep thought, I think I've found
the best way to describe this movie: Robo
Vampire is the Jackson Pollock of bad movies.
That's not a complement.
The disorientation begins immediately: The film is
in a screen ratio uncommon in the U.S., and we
immediately begin in a cemetery with a couple
guys in uniform holding a man in a blue track suit
at gunpoint. They scuffle -- Who do we want to win
this fight? Who knows? -- and their scuffling
knocks open a tombstone, causing snakes to pop
out like they were stuffed in a nut can.
| Jackson Pollock's "Robo Vampire No. 5" |
The uniforms gun down the snakes (with automatic rifles), waking up a bunch of guys in
traditional Chinese garb and gloppy green latex... kung fu vampires! They eat the guys in uniform.
We still don't know if that was a good thing.
traditional Chinese garb and gloppy green latex... kung fu vampires! They eat the guys in uniform.
We still don't know if that was a good thing.
It turns out that the baddies in this movie
are actually drug smugglers. The Drug
Lord has hatched a master plan for
dealing with the Feds: "train vampires to
deal with them." Naturally. Even the
henchmen think this plan is a bit
suspect.
Let's talk about the vampires in this film
for a moment. This movie was made in
Hong Kong so, understandably, these
are Chinese Vampires. Unlike their
western brethren, Chinese Vampires do
not wear capes and hang out in drafty
castles, nor are they a bunch of emo
pretty boys. No, Chinese Vampires
seem to be more like mystical zombies.
Sunlight doesn't phase them (it's
are actually drug smugglers. The Drug
Lord has hatched a master plan for
dealing with the Feds: "train vampires to
deal with them." Naturally. Even the
henchmen think this plan is a bit
suspect.
Let's talk about the vampires in this film
for a moment. This movie was made in
Hong Kong so, understandably, these
are Chinese Vampires. Unlike their
western brethren, Chinese Vampires do
not wear capes and hang out in drafty
castles, nor are they a bunch of emo
pretty boys. No, Chinese Vampires
seem to be more like mystical zombies.
Sunlight doesn't phase them (it's
probably safe to say that a crucifix wouldn't do much good, either), but an aversion to garlic still
seems to be in effect. In addition to the whole living dead/sucking blood thing, here are some
other characteristics of Chinese Vampires:
Pretty bad ass, right? That's because I left out these two items:
seems to be in effect. In addition to the whole living dead/sucking blood thing, here are some
other characteristics of Chinese Vampires:
- Know kung fu
- Can breathe poisonous gas
- Possess telekinesis
- Are pretty much immune to bullets
- Can shoot fireworks out of their sleeves
- May be subdued with either a spell tacked to their foreheads and/or heroin
Pretty bad ass, right? That's because I left out these two items:
- Prefer to hold their arms out in front of them, Frankenstein-style
- Cannot walk or run, must hop everywhere
| SCARY! |
Yes: They. HOP. Everywhere. I'm all for learning about and appreciating
different cultures. But China? Your vampires suck.
Equally absurd is the dialogue (the dubbing isn't doing any favors, either).
Take this one scene, where the drug lord's official Vampire Wrangler is
about to show off his "vampire beast" -- really a vampire with an ape's mask
-- and an angry ghost/witch chick shows up to run through exposition as
quickly as possible:
different cultures. But China? Your vampires suck.
Equally absurd is the dialogue (the dubbing isn't doing any favors, either).
Take this one scene, where the drug lord's official Vampire Wrangler is
about to show off his "vampire beast" -- really a vampire with an ape's mask
-- and an angry ghost/witch chick shows up to run through exposition as
quickly as possible:
"How dare you take my lover's dark powers and turn him into a vampire
beast! Now he is condemned to a living death and we can never be
together in the afterlife!... Both his parents opposed our marriage! It was
then that we decided that if we cannot be together in this life, Peter and i
would be together forever in the afterlife! You have robbed him of this by
turning him into a vampire beast! Now my only thought is of revenge! Now
my dreams have been shattered! I hold you responsible for my misery!"
beast! Now he is condemned to a living death and we can never be
together in the afterlife!... Both his parents opposed our marriage! It was
then that we decided that if we cannot be together in this life, Peter and i
would be together forever in the afterlife! You have robbed him of this by
turning him into a vampire beast! Now my only thought is of revenge! Now
my dreams have been shattered! I hold you responsible for my misery!"
And then there's this pivotal scene, coming off the heels of a failed drug raid that cost one
particularly gung-ho agent named Tom his life:
particularly gung-ho agent named Tom his life:
"Since Tom's dead, I want to make use of his body to create an android-like
robot, Mr. Glenn. I would appreciate your approving my application."
robot, Mr. Glenn. I would appreciate your approving my application."
Upon being "assured success," the Head Fed gives his approval and literally 90 seconds later, our
title character is born. Of course, he's less a robot and more a guy in a silver jumpsuit, hockey
pads and samurai helmet moving around robotically. Also, he's not a vampire, but in all fairness,
he's simply referred to as "the robot" throughout the film. And, as Netflix helpfully points out, he has
title character is born. Of course, he's less a robot and more a guy in a silver jumpsuit, hockey
pads and samurai helmet moving around robotically. Also, he's not a vampire, but in all fairness,
he's simply referred to as "the robot" throughout the film. And, as Netflix helpfully points out, he has
"a penchant for battling vampires."
There are cyborg on vampire battles aplenty... but the movie
finds a way to foul that up: Robo Vampire is pretty much
immune to the vampires' attacks, and the vampires are pretty
much immune to Robo Vampire's big gun. As a result, the
fight scenes are about as pointless as the second and third
Matrix films. And between the hopping vampires and the
slow-moving robot, we're treated to "exciting" "chase" scenes
like this one:
There are cyborg on vampire battles aplenty... but the movie
finds a way to foul that up: Robo Vampire is pretty much
immune to the vampires' attacks, and the vampires are pretty
much immune to Robo Vampire's big gun. As a result, the
fight scenes are about as pointless as the second and third
Matrix films. And between the hopping vampires and the
slow-moving robot, we're treated to "exciting" "chase" scenes
like this one:
Meanwhile, the drug gang
captures a lovely Federal agent
(in a scene featuring a
dark-haired stuntman filling in
for the blond-haired female
agent -- didn't even bother with a
wig), so the Feds send in... a
captures a lovely Federal agent
(in a scene featuring a
dark-haired stuntman filling in
for the blond-haired female
agent -- didn't even bother with a
wig), so the Feds send in... a
bunch of other guys. Seriously, they don't even meet up with Robo Vampire late in the movie. Instead, we're treated
to an entirely different plot line -- complete with a love interest sub-plot! -- running in parallel with Robo Vampire.
And if you're thinking, "But that doesn't make any sense!" then I suggest re-reading this review.
to an entirely different plot line -- complete with a love interest sub-plot! -- running in parallel with Robo Vampire.
And if you're thinking, "But that doesn't make any sense!" then I suggest re-reading this review.
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| '10 Binnie Winner! |