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ROBOGEISHA
* * * (2009, 102 minutes, Unrated)
A.K.A. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Cyborg Girl Parts
I love Japan -- even spent a year there. It’s an amazing place with wonderful people. So out of
respect for Japan, I want to put this delicately: The country has a reputation of being… well, it’s the
Lady Gaga of the world stage.
* * * (2009, 102 minutes, Unrated)
A.K.A. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Cyborg Girl Parts
I love Japan -- even spent a year there. It’s an amazing place with wonderful people. So out of
respect for Japan, I want to put this delicately: The country has a reputation of being… well, it’s the
Lady Gaga of the world stage.
 |
It's a pretty strange place. Among other
things, Japan is the home of massaging
cattle, hostess bars, love hotels, used panties
in vending machines and tentacle rape. In
that light, it almost seems surprising that it
took this long to make RoboGeisha, a film
about cyborg geisha assassins.
And really, that’s all you need to know about
the film. Hell, the trailer doesn’t even bother
bringing up the plot. It's just a creepy voice
giving two-word descriptions of the action.
(Keep an eye out for "Fried Shrimp")
things, Japan is the home of massaging
cattle, hostess bars, love hotels, used panties
in vending machines and tentacle rape. In
that light, it almost seems surprising that it
took this long to make RoboGeisha, a film
about cyborg geisha assassins.
And really, that’s all you need to know about
the film. Hell, the trailer doesn’t even bother
bringing up the plot. It's just a creepy voice
giving two-word descriptions of the action.
(Keep an eye out for "Fried Shrimp")
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| Naturally, Japan's meat dress would be 100% beer-fed, massaged beef. |
The film opens with a Very Important Man’s tea with a geisha being interrupted by an aide. The
aide says that the VIM has received yet another threat and that VIM has three minutes to pull out of
the election or he’ll be killed. The VIM takes at least that long to berate the aide.
From here on out, this is going to read like word vomit, so stay with me: The VIM dismisses his
aide and bodyguards so he can proposition the geisha. He cops a feel, and she starts to…
malfunction? The geisha then splits in half and out pops a woman in lingerie and a Cyrano-
inspired Mardi Gras mask, wielding a katana. A second one follows. They announce themselves
aide says that the VIM has received yet another threat and that VIM has three minutes to pull out of
the election or he’ll be killed. The VIM takes at least that long to berate the aide.
From here on out, this is going to read like word vomit, so stay with me: The VIM dismisses his
aide and bodyguards so he can proposition the geisha. He cops a feel, and she starts to…
malfunction? The geisha then splits in half and out pops a woman in lingerie and a Cyrano-
inspired Mardi Gras mask, wielding a katana. A second one follows. They announce themselves
| This is one of the goblins from RoboGeisha. We weren't kidding. |
to be “goblins” and state that they have penises.
Naturally. The goblins slaughter the bodyguards
and then kill the aide (who opted to take a call in the
middle of the big fight) by firing throwing stars out of
their butts.
Meanwhile, the geisha is about to kill the VIM with
her saw blade mouth when another geisha shows
up. She is RoboGeisha! They fight, and
RoboGeisha takes Ms. SawMouth out with her
“geisha missiles.”
The VIM is understandably confused, but when
asked, RoboGeisha gets all metaphysical: “Who
am I? Am I a robot? A geisha? Even I don’t know
the answer… Either now or in the past.” The rest of
the film is an extended flashback. Maybe. It seems
like there are things in this flashback that contradict
the opening sequence.
Naturally. The goblins slaughter the bodyguards
and then kill the aide (who opted to take a call in the
middle of the big fight) by firing throwing stars out of
their butts.
Meanwhile, the geisha is about to kill the VIM with
her saw blade mouth when another geisha shows
up. She is RoboGeisha! They fight, and
RoboGeisha takes Ms. SawMouth out with her
“geisha missiles.”
The VIM is understandably confused, but when
asked, RoboGeisha gets all metaphysical: “Who
am I? Am I a robot? A geisha? Even I don’t know
the answer… Either now or in the past.” The rest of
the film is an extended flashback. Maybe. It seems
like there are things in this flashback that contradict
the opening sequence.
RoboGeisha starts off as the put-upon attendant to her geisha sister. After receiving yet another
round of verbal abuse from her sister, RG catches the eye of a young exec by ripping a phone book
in half. Turns out he and his father run a steel company that’s actually an Evil Corp building an
army of geisha assassins (led by the aforementioned goblins).
RG and her sister are both forced to join the ranks, and soon become ultra competitive in the race
to be the Best Geisha Assassin Ever. Both undergo “rebuilding” to enhance themselves with the
likes of Gatling gun breasts and retractable armpit blades, because it’s exactly that kind of movie.
Here’s where the film takes a surprisingly traditional turn: RG is sent on a routine assassination,
but discovers that the targets aren’t politicians or power brokers but a band of the hidden geishas’
relatives who are working to find their loved ones and suspect Evil Corp of evil doings. RG refuses
to do the job, and you can imagine how well that goes over.
round of verbal abuse from her sister, RG catches the eye of a young exec by ripping a phone book
in half. Turns out he and his father run a steel company that’s actually an Evil Corp building an
army of geisha assassins (led by the aforementioned goblins).
RG and her sister are both forced to join the ranks, and soon become ultra competitive in the race
to be the Best Geisha Assassin Ever. Both undergo “rebuilding” to enhance themselves with the
likes of Gatling gun breasts and retractable armpit blades, because it’s exactly that kind of movie.
Here’s where the film takes a surprisingly traditional turn: RG is sent on a routine assassination,
but discovers that the targets aren’t politicians or power brokers but a band of the hidden geishas’
relatives who are working to find their loved ones and suspect Evil Corp of evil doings. RG refuses
to do the job, and you can imagine how well that goes over.
| RoboGeisha (in red) fires her geisha missiles at the giant castle robot. |
Not that the traditional turn of the
plot can keep RoboGeisha from
being weird. This is a film where
Evil Corp’s corporate
headquarters transforms into a
giant robot, and when that robot
smashes other buildings, they
gush blood. This is a film where
people say things like “this bomb
is 17 times more powerful than
an atomic bomb,” and “I too have
an ass sword!” is predictably
followed by an ass sword fight.
Yeah, it’s pretty out there.
plot can keep RoboGeisha from
being weird. This is a film where
Evil Corp’s corporate
headquarters transforms into a
giant robot, and when that robot
smashes other buildings, they
gush blood. This is a film where
people say things like “this bomb
is 17 times more powerful than
an atomic bomb,” and “I too have
an ass sword!” is predictably
followed by an ass sword fight.
Yeah, it’s pretty out there.
Believe it or not, for as wacky as RoboGeisha is, it never feels like it’s trying too hard (cough-cough
Samurai Princess cough-cough). I’m sure many fans of the genre will be disappointed by the lack
of sex and nudity and the relative tameness of the gore -- it’s gory, but not gonzo gory. But if you’re
just looking for wacky fun, RoboGeisha delivers.
Samurai Princess cough-cough). I’m sure many fans of the genre will be disappointed by the lack
of sex and nudity and the relative tameness of the gore -- it’s gory, but not gonzo gory. But if you’re
just looking for wacky fun, RoboGeisha delivers.
RoboGeisha is a Reader Recommendation, courtesy of Chef Tom of the Bad
Movies, Good Eats feature over at the Bloggin' Bin Revue.
Looking for second opinions? Then see what these Friends of The 'Bin had
to say...
ACHETER ET ENTRETNIR SA TRONCONNEUSE
ATTACK FROM PLANET B
DR. GORE'S MOVIE REVIEWS
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Movies, Good Eats feature over at the Bloggin' Bin Revue.
Looking for second opinions? Then see what these Friends of The 'Bin had
to say...
ACHETER ET ENTRETNIR SA TRONCONNEUSE
ATTACK FROM PLANET B
DR. GORE'S MOVIE REVIEWS
OBSCUREHORROR.COM