ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE
* * * * * (1987, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
What makes me sad is that I'd heard of this movie way back in high school, from some guys far
cooler than I, and I've only gotten around to seeing it now. So many wasted years…
After the obligatory pre-credits scare and ten minutes of a van driving around, the film – no,
excuse me – this cinematic masterpiece settles into the fateful story of a heavy metal band, The
Tritonz. The band has come to stay at a quiet Canadian farmhouse (featured in the opening) to
work distraction-free on new material. As one astute groupie puts it, "Back to nature, huh? No
hot tubs. No Dynasty… Baby, why couldn't you become a coke dealer or something sensible?"
* * * * * (1987, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
What makes me sad is that I'd heard of this movie way back in high school, from some guys far
cooler than I, and I've only gotten around to seeing it now. So many wasted years…
After the obligatory pre-credits scare and ten minutes of a van driving around, the film – no,
excuse me – this cinematic masterpiece settles into the fateful story of a heavy metal band, The
Tritonz. The band has come to stay at a quiet Canadian farmhouse (featured in the opening) to
work distraction-free on new material. As one astute groupie puts it, "Back to nature, huh? No
hot tubs. No Dynasty… Baby, why couldn't you become a coke dealer or something sensible?"
Unfortunately for the all-business lead singer, John Triton
(played by rocker/bodybuilder/Norse demi-god Jon-Mikl Thor),
"distraction-free" quickly goes out the window. Something
evil is afoot at the farmhouse, as is evident by all of the low-
level roaming camera shots (for which I hope someone sent
a check to Sam Rami). In between musical performances by
The Tritonz and extended sex scenes that veer into Skinamax
country, leftover animatronics from DisneyWorld's Haunted
Manson pop up to take out the group one by one.
It all comes down to John Triton, who proves himself to be
the Bugs Bunny to evil's Elmer Fudd. Good and Evil face off
in the cheesiest battle ever committed to film, where
[SPOILER ALERT!] Triton defeats evil by flexing at it.
Okay, that spoiler isn't entirely accurate. But it's close.
I didn't think I’d find a film that could match the Bargain Bin
Review's official gold standard so quickly, yet here we are.
This movie has it all: cheesy effects, big hair, corny dialog,
Beelzebub, product placement for my own soft drink of choice
and boobs. Watching this movie was a joyous experience.
And the music! As a child of the '80s, I grew up with hair
metal. At any given time, one could find in my battered
Walkman a tape cassette of Def Leppard, Mötley Crüe, Bon
Jovi, Whitesnake, White Lion or Dokken (though not so much
Poison, thank you very much). I even made a comic strip
(played by rocker/bodybuilder/Norse demi-god Jon-Mikl Thor),
"distraction-free" quickly goes out the window. Something
evil is afoot at the farmhouse, as is evident by all of the low-
level roaming camera shots (for which I hope someone sent
a check to Sam Rami). In between musical performances by
The Tritonz and extended sex scenes that veer into Skinamax
country, leftover animatronics from DisneyWorld's Haunted
Manson pop up to take out the group one by one.
It all comes down to John Triton, who proves himself to be
the Bugs Bunny to evil's Elmer Fudd. Good and Evil face off
in the cheesiest battle ever committed to film, where
[SPOILER ALERT!] Triton defeats evil by flexing at it.
Okay, that spoiler isn't entirely accurate. But it's close.
I didn't think I’d find a film that could match the Bargain Bin
Review's official gold standard so quickly, yet here we are.
This movie has it all: cheesy effects, big hair, corny dialog,
Beelzebub, product placement for my own soft drink of choice
and boobs. Watching this movie was a joyous experience.
And the music! As a child of the '80s, I grew up with hair
metal. At any given time, one could find in my battered
Walkman a tape cassette of Def Leppard, Mötley Crüe, Bon
Jovi, Whitesnake, White Lion or Dokken (though not so much
Poison, thank you very much). I even made a comic strip
based on a classmate about a heavy metal superhero. So let me be very clear about this: The
Tritonz. Kick. Ass.
(the rockin' starts about a minute in)
Tritonz. Kick. Ass.
(the rockin' starts about a minute in)
One last note: If you happen to find this on DVD, make sure to check out the music videos and
the "Revelations of a Rock 'n' Roll Warrior" featurette, hosted by Jon-Mikl Thor himself --
definitely worth the time.
Speaking of Jon-Mikl Thor, I'll leave off with this priceless clip of his performance in Rock 'n'
Roll Nightmare...
the "Revelations of a Rock 'n' Roll Warrior" featurette, hosted by Jon-Mikl Thor himself --
definitely worth the time.
Speaking of Jon-Mikl Thor, I'll leave off with this priceless clip of his performance in Rock 'n'
Roll Nightmare...
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