BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE
* * * * * (1987, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
What makes me sad is that I'd heard of this movie way back in high school, from some guys far
cooler than I, and I've only gotten around to seeing it now. So many wasted years…
After the obligatory pre-credits scare and ten minutes of a van driving around, the film – no,
excuse me – this cinematic masterpiece settles into the fateful story of a heavy metal band, The
Tritonz. The band has come to stay at a quiet Canadian farmhouse (featured in the opening) to
work distraction-free on new material. As one astute groupie puts it, "Back to nature, huh? No
hot tubs. No Dynasty… Baby, why couldn't you become a coke dealer or something sensible?"
* * * * * (1987, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
What makes me sad is that I'd heard of this movie way back in high school, from some guys far
cooler than I, and I've only gotten around to seeing it now. So many wasted years…
After the obligatory pre-credits scare and ten minutes of a van driving around, the film – no,
excuse me – this cinematic masterpiece settles into the fateful story of a heavy metal band, The
Tritonz. The band has come to stay at a quiet Canadian farmhouse (featured in the opening) to
work distraction-free on new material. As one astute groupie puts it, "Back to nature, huh? No
hot tubs. No Dynasty… Baby, why couldn't you become a coke dealer or something sensible?"
Unfortunately for the all-business lead singer, John
Triton (played by rocker/bodybuilder/Norse demi-god
Jon-Mikl Thor), "distraction-free" quickly goes out the
window. Something evil is afoot at the farmhouse, as
is evident by all of the low-level roaming camera
shots (for which I hope someone sent a check to
Sam Rami). In between musical performances by
The Tritonz and extended sex scenes that veer into
Skinamax country, leftover animatronics from
DisneyWorld's Haunted Manson pop up to take out
the group one by one.
It all comes down to John Triton, who proves himself
to be the Bugs Bunny to evil's Elmer Fudd. Good and
Evil face off in the cheesiest battle ever committed to
film, where [SPOILER ALERT!] Triton defeats evil by
flexing at it.
Okay, that spoiler isn't entirely accurate. But it's close.
Triton (played by rocker/bodybuilder/Norse demi-god
Jon-Mikl Thor), "distraction-free" quickly goes out the
window. Something evil is afoot at the farmhouse, as
is evident by all of the low-level roaming camera
shots (for which I hope someone sent a check to
Sam Rami). In between musical performances by
The Tritonz and extended sex scenes that veer into
Skinamax country, leftover animatronics from
DisneyWorld's Haunted Manson pop up to take out
the group one by one.
It all comes down to John Triton, who proves himself
to be the Bugs Bunny to evil's Elmer Fudd. Good and
Evil face off in the cheesiest battle ever committed to
film, where [SPOILER ALERT!] Triton defeats evil by
flexing at it.
Okay, that spoiler isn't entirely accurate. But it's close.
I didn't think I’d find a film that could match the Bargain Bin Review's official gold standard so
quickly, yet here we are. This movie has it all: cheesy effects, big hair, corny dialog, Beelzebub,
product placement for my own soft drink of choice and boobs. Watching this movie was a
joyous experience.
And the music! As a child of the '80s, I grew up with hair metal. At any given time, one could
find in my battered Walkman a tape cassette of Def Leppard, Mötley Crüe, Bon Jovi,
Whitesnake, White Lion or Dokken (though not so much Poison, thank you very much). I even
made a comic strip based on a classmate about a heavy metal superhero. So let me be very
clear about this: The Tritonz. Kick. Ass.
(the rockin' starts about a minute in)
quickly, yet here we are. This movie has it all: cheesy effects, big hair, corny dialog, Beelzebub,
product placement for my own soft drink of choice and boobs. Watching this movie was a
joyous experience.
And the music! As a child of the '80s, I grew up with hair metal. At any given time, one could
find in my battered Walkman a tape cassette of Def Leppard, Mötley Crüe, Bon Jovi,
Whitesnake, White Lion or Dokken (though not so much Poison, thank you very much). I even
made a comic strip based on a classmate about a heavy metal superhero. So let me be very
clear about this: The Tritonz. Kick. Ass.
(the rockin' starts about a minute in)
One last note: If you happen to find this on DVD, make sure to check out the music videos and
the "Revelations of a Rock 'n' Roll Warrior" featurette, hosted by Jon-Mikl Thor himself --
definitely worth the time.
Speaking of Jon-Mikl Thor, I'll leave off with this priceless clip of his performance in Rock 'n' Roll
Nightmare...
the "Revelations of a Rock 'n' Roll Warrior" featurette, hosted by Jon-Mikl Thor himself --
definitely worth the time.
Speaking of Jon-Mikl Thor, I'll leave off with this priceless clip of his performance in Rock 'n' Roll
Nightmare...
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