PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE
* * (1996, 96 minutes, Rated R)
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: He's back... and this time, he's MAD.
Many years ago, I happened to view a certain, uh, "non-theatrical production" titled Pornocchio.
The tag line? "It’' not his nose that grows!" Yes, really. The scene I remember best involved a
woman insisting Pornocchio tell her lies while he plowed her from behind: "I enjoy paying taxes!"
"Oh!" "Nixon was not a crook!" "OH! Yes!"
* * (1996, 96 minutes, Rated R)
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: He's back... and this time, he's MAD.
Many years ago, I happened to view a certain, uh, "non-theatrical production" titled Pornocchio.
The tag line? "It’' not his nose that grows!" Yes, really. The scene I remember best involved a
woman insisting Pornocchio tell her lies while he plowed her from behind: "I enjoy paying taxes!"
"Oh!" "Nixon was not a crook!" "OH! Yes!"
| Look who's bringing back the sexy! |
Yes, that is real dialogue from the movie. One doesn't easily
forget a thing like that. And no, this anecdote doesn't have
anything to do with the movie I'll be reviewing in this piece. I just
didn't think I'll ever have a better opportunity to tell you all about
Pornocchio.
Right, so about this movie: It was a dark and stormy night… Five
Years Ago when Officer Dudley Do Right (no relation to the one in
this movie) interrupts some creepy guy making a few additions to
his mass grave. The scene is chock-full of pseudo-scary
moments: Do Right suddenly comes up on… A PARKED CAR!!
And there’s a sign reading… ROAD CLOSED!! Do Right stands
some 20 yards away from the creepy guy, gun unholstered,
shouting "Drop the shovel!" – cuz you know what kind of damage
a shovel can do from 20 yards away.
forget a thing like that. And no, this anecdote doesn't have
anything to do with the movie I'll be reviewing in this piece. I just
didn't think I'll ever have a better opportunity to tell you all about
Pornocchio.
Right, so about this movie: It was a dark and stormy night… Five
Years Ago when Officer Dudley Do Right (no relation to the one in
this movie) interrupts some creepy guy making a few additions to
his mass grave. The scene is chock-full of pseudo-scary
moments: Do Right suddenly comes up on… A PARKED CAR!!
And there’s a sign reading… ROAD CLOSED!! Do Right stands
some 20 yards away from the creepy guy, gun unholstered,
shouting "Drop the shovel!" – cuz you know what kind of damage
a shovel can do from 20 yards away.
You'll never guess what the cops find in that mass grave the next morn-- Oh, okay, you did guess
right. Perhaps being buried with a bunch of dead bodies is one of the things Pinocchio will be
seeking revenge for.
In the Present Day, we meet a MILFy Lawyer and watch her lose the case for creepy guy (let's just
say MILFy won't be appearing on Law & Order any time soon). We also meet MILFy Lawyer's
young daughter, Zoey, and all of the robotic acting and cliché schoolyard drama she brings with
her. After a trip down the Green Mile (to… AN ELECTRIC CHAIR!!), we get this priceless scene:
INT. BIG ORNATE CHURCH
The church is completely empty save for MILFy LAWYER. Beams of sunlight stream through
stained-glass windows, illuminating her. She gazes upon the glowing image of Christ tacked to a
cross like an obscene hood ornament when…
"Can I help you?"
MILFy LAWYER gasps at the realization that FATHER AWKWARD has apparently teleported into
the church.
FATHER AWKWARD: (laughing ultra-awkwardly) I'm, ah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
MILFy LAWYER: No, that's okay.
FATHER AWKWARD: Are you from this parish? (Uh, shouldn't he know who is and isn't in his
parish? - Nolahn)
MILFy LAWYER: No. Actually, technically speaking, I'm not even Catholic anymore: I divorced last
year. (**gasp!**)
FATHER AWKWARD: That's okay. This isn't a Catholic church – it's Episcopalian. It's, eh, sorta
like… Catholic-lite. (More awkward laughing)
Boy howdy, Episcopalians must've been psyched about that endorsement.
ANYWAY, Zoey finds Pinocchio on her birthday and thinks it's a gift for her, and instead of
explaining to her daughter that Pinocchio is actually evidence from a murder trial that shouldn't
have been in her car to begin with, MILFy Lawyer let's her keep it. Nice. When MILFy finally tries to
reclaim Pinocchio, all she gets is an earful of "First Dad left me, now you want to take away
Pinocchio!" Things go pear-shaped from there.
I have to say that what I thought would be a simple Child's Play knock-off ended up having a very
interesting take: For much of the movie, we're never entirely sure if it's Pinocchio killing people off
Chucky-style or if MILFy's little brat has gone mental. Rest assured, it's all handled in the least
satisfying way possible.
One last thing: At the 40-minute mark, we're very suddenly and abruptly treated to an extended
scene of the nanny taking a shower. She gets everything clean -- everything. Don't say I never did
anything for you.
right. Perhaps being buried with a bunch of dead bodies is one of the things Pinocchio will be
seeking revenge for.
In the Present Day, we meet a MILFy Lawyer and watch her lose the case for creepy guy (let's just
say MILFy won't be appearing on Law & Order any time soon). We also meet MILFy Lawyer's
young daughter, Zoey, and all of the robotic acting and cliché schoolyard drama she brings with
her. After a trip down the Green Mile (to… AN ELECTRIC CHAIR!!), we get this priceless scene:
INT. BIG ORNATE CHURCH
The church is completely empty save for MILFy LAWYER. Beams of sunlight stream through
stained-glass windows, illuminating her. She gazes upon the glowing image of Christ tacked to a
cross like an obscene hood ornament when…
"Can I help you?"
MILFy LAWYER gasps at the realization that FATHER AWKWARD has apparently teleported into
the church.
FATHER AWKWARD: (laughing ultra-awkwardly) I'm, ah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.
MILFy LAWYER: No, that's okay.
FATHER AWKWARD: Are you from this parish? (Uh, shouldn't he know who is and isn't in his
parish? - Nolahn)
MILFy LAWYER: No. Actually, technically speaking, I'm not even Catholic anymore: I divorced last
year. (**gasp!**)
FATHER AWKWARD: That's okay. This isn't a Catholic church – it's Episcopalian. It's, eh, sorta
like… Catholic-lite. (More awkward laughing)
Boy howdy, Episcopalians must've been psyched about that endorsement.
ANYWAY, Zoey finds Pinocchio on her birthday and thinks it's a gift for her, and instead of
explaining to her daughter that Pinocchio is actually evidence from a murder trial that shouldn't
have been in her car to begin with, MILFy Lawyer let's her keep it. Nice. When MILFy finally tries to
reclaim Pinocchio, all she gets is an earful of "First Dad left me, now you want to take away
Pinocchio!" Things go pear-shaped from there.
I have to say that what I thought would be a simple Child's Play knock-off ended up having a very
interesting take: For much of the movie, we're never entirely sure if it's Pinocchio killing people off
Chucky-style or if MILFy's little brat has gone mental. Rest assured, it's all handled in the least
satisfying way possible.
One last thing: At the 40-minute mark, we're very suddenly and abruptly treated to an extended
scene of the nanny taking a shower. She gets everything clean -- everything. Don't say I never did
anything for you.
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