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NIGHTMARE ALLEY
* * (2010, 88 minutes, Unrated)
Welcome To My Nightmare, Alley.
The film opens with two party dudes in an alley talking about the party they were at last night.
They're like the California Metal versions of Jay and Silent Bob, complete with the heavy reliance on
calling people "fags" and the desire to "fuck the shit" out of ladies.
A bum shuffles up, asks them for a smoke and gives them the latest copy of a comic book called
"Nightmare Alley" as thanks. Metal Jay insults the comic book, so the bum pulls a knife on him
* * (2010, 88 minutes, Unrated)
Welcome To My Nightmare, Alley.
The film opens with two party dudes in an alley talking about the party they were at last night.
They're like the California Metal versions of Jay and Silent Bob, complete with the heavy reliance on
calling people "fags" and the desire to "fuck the shit" out of ladies.
A bum shuffles up, asks them for a smoke and gives them the latest copy of a comic book called
"Nightmare Alley" as thanks. Metal Jay insults the comic book, so the bum pulls a knife on him
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(causing Metal Silent Bob to flee), stabs him to
death and then pees on his corpse. Jeez, I can't
imagine what would have happened if Metal Jay
made fun of the bum's mother.
Metal Silent Bob runs and runs... and then parks
himself by a dumpster so he can read the comic
book. Good thing Metal Silent Bob isn't worried
about the friend he just abandoned! The comic
book shows a metal dude reading a comic who
gets decapitated... uh-oh.
death and then pees on his corpse. Jeez, I can't
imagine what would have happened if Metal Jay
made fun of the bum's mother.
Metal Silent Bob runs and runs... and then parks
himself by a dumpster so he can read the comic
book. Good thing Metal Silent Bob isn't worried
about the friend he just abandoned! The comic
book shows a metal dude reading a comic who
gets decapitated... uh-oh.
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| No actual Jay and Silent Bobs were harmed during the making of this film. |
Post-credits, we learn that this will be a "Tales From the Crypt"-like arrangement, complete with a
"Tales From the Crypt"-like cackling host who always has a bad pun up his sleeve. Our host,
creatively named The Host, is decked out in black robes, a top hat and cane and one of Cher's
platinum wigs. The Host apparently took a triple-helping of Botox before filming, making most of
his dialogue incomprehensible. Which, given the quality of the puns I could hear, was probably for
the best.
Seems only fair to rate each story individually. Shall we?
"Tales From the Crypt"-like cackling host who always has a bad pun up his sleeve. Our host,
creatively named The Host, is decked out in black robes, a top hat and cane and one of Cher's
platinum wigs. The Host apparently took a triple-helping of Botox before filming, making most of
his dialogue incomprehensible. Which, given the quality of the puns I could hear, was probably for
the best.
Seems only fair to rate each story individually. Shall we?
“A Fistful of Innards” * * *
Now here’s a little story I’ve got to tell about three
bad brothers you know so well. It started way back
in history with Adr-- eh, three desperadoes on the
run from the law. Literally -- they don’t have horses.
When they find a gold-painted rock that fell out of the
sky, the boss guns down his henchmen in order to
keep the space nugget for himself. Unfortunately for
him, his henchmen pop back up all kinds of
zombiefied. Simple, well done story featuring some
great gore effects.
Now here’s a little story I’ve got to tell about three
bad brothers you know so well. It started way back
in history with Adr-- eh, three desperadoes on the
run from the law. Literally -- they don’t have horses.
When they find a gold-painted rock that fell out of the
sky, the boss guns down his henchmen in order to
keep the space nugget for himself. Unfortunately for
him, his henchmen pop back up all kinds of
zombiefied. Simple, well done story featuring some
great gore effects.
| No, "A Fistful of Innards" is not the story of Paul Revere. |
“Rebellion” * *
This one feels like the set-up to a “Simpsons” Halloween episode… A dude with a pony tail
enters a gift shop, looks around and finally settles on a ridiculous looking rubber rat doll that is
allegedly cured. Look, someone drew pentagrams in magic marker on the side of the box and
everything! I’m somewhat amazed that the clerk didn’t offer a free frogurt with the purchase.
Turns out that the rubber rat is indeed possessed by a demon or whatever. Ponytail Dude goes
about killing people so the rubber rat can consume their souls. But for the most part, the rubber
rat just hurls insults like “penis wrinkle” at Ponytail Dude.
Also: The shop girl sloppily eating her take-out is perhaps the grossest thing in the whole film.
“Death Chat” *
A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her. She pulls a shotgun on him, only to
be interrupted by his cop buddy. Because the cheating husband is our protagonist? Hubby and
Cop Buddy toke up and make assorted jokes at Risk Astley’s expense, and then Hubby goes
This one feels like the set-up to a “Simpsons” Halloween episode… A dude with a pony tail
enters a gift shop, looks around and finally settles on a ridiculous looking rubber rat doll that is
allegedly cured. Look, someone drew pentagrams in magic marker on the side of the box and
everything! I’m somewhat amazed that the clerk didn’t offer a free frogurt with the purchase.
Turns out that the rubber rat is indeed possessed by a demon or whatever. Ponytail Dude goes
about killing people so the rubber rat can consume their souls. But for the most part, the rubber
rat just hurls insults like “penis wrinkle” at Ponytail Dude.
Also: The shop girl sloppily eating her take-out is perhaps the grossest thing in the whole film.
“Death Chat” *
A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her. She pulls a shotgun on him, only to
be interrupted by his cop buddy. Because the cheating husband is our protagonist? Hubby and
Cop Buddy toke up and make assorted jokes at Risk Astley’s expense, and then Hubby goes
| All I can say about Rick Astley (above) is that he's a product of the late '80s. |
online to fine a new f-buddy. Let’s just say
it doesn’t turn out so well for him.
The coda to this tale has a pair of cops
shoe-horning in an overly elaborate back
story when “man-hating serial killer” would
have done nicely.
“Meat” * * *
The story starts off like an entry in
Penthouse Forum: A Big Boy in Daisy
Dukes finds a woman in a bikini is sun
bathing by the pool at a condo complex.
Naturally, he just helps himself to some of
it doesn’t turn out so well for him.
The coda to this tale has a pair of cops
shoe-horning in an overly elaborate back
story when “man-hating serial killer” would
have done nicely.
“Meat” * * *
The story starts off like an entry in
Penthouse Forum: A Big Boy in Daisy
Dukes finds a woman in a bikini is sun
bathing by the pool at a condo complex.
Naturally, he just helps himself to some of
her baby oil and starts oiling her up, and naturally, she’s cool with that. She eventually invites
Big Boy up to her place where she offers him beer in wine glasses (!), but her Big Boy Hubby
shows up before anything can happen. There’s an accidental death, and then -- forget about
going over the top, this story goes off into the stratosphere. Good fun.
“Closet Case” zero asterisks
The first minute of this tale alone undoes about 40 years’ worth of gay rights. I might have found
this amusing if it was the 1970s. And I was 12. Maybe, though I doubt it. The less said about
this one, the better.
“The Great Damsne” *
Are all artists budding Charles Nelson Reillys, or just The Great Damsne? Better pump the
breaks, cuz Charles Nelson Reilly was awesome.
Big Boy up to her place where she offers him beer in wine glasses (!), but her Big Boy Hubby
shows up before anything can happen. There’s an accidental death, and then -- forget about
going over the top, this story goes off into the stratosphere. Good fun.
“Closet Case” zero asterisks
The first minute of this tale alone undoes about 40 years’ worth of gay rights. I might have found
this amusing if it was the 1970s. And I was 12. Maybe, though I doubt it. The less said about
this one, the better.
“The Great Damsne” *
Are all artists budding Charles Nelson Reillys, or just The Great Damsne? Better pump the
breaks, cuz Charles Nelson Reilly was awesome.
| Told you he was awesome... |
The Great Damsne’s wife really, really hates his
paintings (can’t say I blame her), so in a fit of rage, he
slews her and makes her part of his art. Macabre-
ness ensues, but the ending comes out of left field.
“Slash of the Blade” * *
So the basic premise is that Jack the Ripper has
come back to life after 88 years. To Los Angeles. In
period costume. To kill indiscriminately in the middle
of the day. Also, he can teleport. That last bit pushes
the story into parody territory, which I kinda dug.
paintings (can’t say I blame her), so in a fit of rage, he
slews her and makes her part of his art. Macabre-
ness ensues, but the ending comes out of left field.
“Slash of the Blade” * *
So the basic premise is that Jack the Ripper has
come back to life after 88 years. To Los Angeles. In
period costume. To kill indiscriminately in the middle
of the day. Also, he can teleport. That last bit pushes
the story into parody territory, which I kinda dug.
Okay, so I’ve dragged most of the stories in this film over the coals, but there is a lot here that
works. The camera work is solid throughout (hey, that’s not a given with these kind of films),
and the filmmakers do a good job of moving things along at a good pace. The effects --
particularly the gore -- are well done, and the film’s “Grind-O-Scope” look is a nice touch.
I might not have been totally sold on Nightmare Alley, but I’d definitely like to see what these
guys have for next time.
works. The camera work is solid throughout (hey, that’s not a given with these kind of films),
and the filmmakers do a good job of moving things along at a good pace. The effects --
particularly the gore -- are well done, and the film’s “Grind-O-Scope” look is a nice touch.
I might not have been totally sold on Nightmare Alley, but I’d definitely like to see what these
guys have for next time.