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MONSTER
* (2007, 85 minutes, Unrated)
More like Monstrosity.
I’m going to go on record: I really liked Cloverfield. My love of giant monsters is well-documented,
and I think I Cloverfield did an excellent job of portraying the street-level experience of a giant
creature stomping around your city (for an even better portrayal, check out the Gamera/Gaos battle
in Shibuya in 1999’s Gamera 3, starting around 2:15). Sure, the whole hand-held camera thing
was a bit gimmicky and nauseating at times, but under the capable watch of J.J. Abrams, it worked.
So, shouldn’t be an issue for The Asylum to mimic that style on the cheap, right?
*sigh*
We open with some Helpful Yet Silent Text (HYST) informing us about a large earthquake that hit
Japan in 2007… and here’s the Special Report: “MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE HITS JAPAN,
Thousands Feared Dead; City Devastated.” Leave it to the folks at The Asylum to not know that
Japan is a country, not a city.
* (2007, 85 minutes, Unrated)
More like Monstrosity.
I’m going to go on record: I really liked Cloverfield. My love of giant monsters is well-documented,
and I think I Cloverfield did an excellent job of portraying the street-level experience of a giant
creature stomping around your city (for an even better portrayal, check out the Gamera/Gaos battle
in Shibuya in 1999’s Gamera 3, starting around 2:15). Sure, the whole hand-held camera thing
was a bit gimmicky and nauseating at times, but under the capable watch of J.J. Abrams, it worked.
So, shouldn’t be an issue for The Asylum to mimic that style on the cheap, right?
*sigh*
We open with some Helpful Yet Silent Text (HYST) informing us about a large earthquake that hit
Japan in 2007… and here’s the Special Report: “MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE HITS JAPAN,
Thousands Feared Dead; City Devastated.” Leave it to the folks at The Asylum to not know that
Japan is a country, not a city.
 |
More HYST lets us know that two American
filmmakers from Los Angeles, sisters Sarah and
Erin, had gone to Tokyo to film a documentary on
global warming, and what we are about to see is
their footage of the event. No word on why they had
to travel to Tokyo to do their documentary on global
warming. Perhaps there’s no more smog in L.A.?
And we’re off, with footage of the girls packing for
their trip, driving to LAX, etc. Not sure exactly why a
pair of “filmmakers” feel the need to film every single
moment of their trip, particularly since they clearly
state that they’re not using it for the documentary. I
guess shooting footage for a living isn’t enough for
them. At least when they arrive in Tokyo, we get
treated to a “nighttime skyline out the hotel window”
shot ripped straight out of Lost in Translation. It's
rare that these mockbusters are ambitious enough
to rip of good movies.
filmmakers from Los Angeles, sisters Sarah and
Erin, had gone to Tokyo to film a documentary on
global warming, and what we are about to see is
their footage of the event. No word on why they had
to travel to Tokyo to do their documentary on global
warming. Perhaps there’s no more smog in L.A.?
And we’re off, with footage of the girls packing for
their trip, driving to LAX, etc. Not sure exactly why a
pair of “filmmakers” feel the need to film every single
moment of their trip, particularly since they clearly
state that they’re not using it for the documentary. I
guess shooting footage for a living isn’t enough for
them. At least when they arrive in Tokyo, we get
treated to a “nighttime skyline out the hotel window”
shot ripped straight out of Lost in Translation. It's
rare that these mockbusters are ambitious enough
to rip of good movies.
| Just in case you weren't sure... |
Also impressive: Much of this film is actually shot in Tokyo. I just assumed it would be shot in
L.A.'s Chinatown.
L.A.'s Chinatown.
| Not Tokyo. |
Policy wonks will like the fact that we actually get to see some of the documentary the sisters are
making through a painfully amateurish interview with Japan’s Minister of Energy. Seriously, I’m
not an expert on environmental politics, but even I know that when Sarah says the U.S. “continually
fails” to sign the Kyoto Protocol that she’s full of crap. If memory serves me right, the U.S. was a
signatory of the Kyoto Protocol (admittedly symbolic) until a certain rhinestone cowboy decided that
clean air is for sissies. Still, points for trying.
This increasingly awkward interview is mercifully interrupted by an earthquake – OR IS IT?
Running! Yelling! Jiggy camera! Sirens! And so it goes for the next hour or so, with an increasing
amount of “distortion” used to hide the shoddiness of the CGI and the fact that Tokyo is obviously
fine. At least the girls are thoughtful enough to take turns focusing the camera on each other’s
boobs.
making through a painfully amateurish interview with Japan’s Minister of Energy. Seriously, I’m
not an expert on environmental politics, but even I know that when Sarah says the U.S. “continually
fails” to sign the Kyoto Protocol that she’s full of crap. If memory serves me right, the U.S. was a
signatory of the Kyoto Protocol (admittedly symbolic) until a certain rhinestone cowboy decided that
clean air is for sissies. Still, points for trying.
This increasingly awkward interview is mercifully interrupted by an earthquake – OR IS IT?
Running! Yelling! Jiggy camera! Sirens! And so it goes for the next hour or so, with an increasing
amount of “distortion” used to hide the shoddiness of the CGI and the fact that Tokyo is obviously
fine. At least the girls are thoughtful enough to take turns focusing the camera on each other’s
boobs.
| This isn't a screenshot from Monster, but it could have been (and it still wouldn't be worth watching). |
We soon get a “why are we still filming this”
argument, which I thoroughly enjoyed because it
was something the characters in Cloverfield never
addressed. We also get a weepy “I’ve never seen
a dead body before” monologue, which would
have been far more impressive if it didn’t take
place after seeing a 12th dead body.
But by then, about halfway though the film, I lost the
ability to understand what the hell was going on.
It certainly didn’t help that the average scene only
lasted about 45 seconds. The format of each
scene is nearly identical from one 45-second
segment to the next: HYST gives a hilariously
specific time stamp… close-up of one of the girls,
highly distraught… static… panicking… more
argument, which I thoroughly enjoyed because it
was something the characters in Cloverfield never
addressed. We also get a weepy “I’ve never seen
a dead body before” monologue, which would
have been far more impressive if it didn’t take
place after seeing a 12th dead body.
But by then, about halfway though the film, I lost the
ability to understand what the hell was going on.
It certainly didn’t help that the average scene only
lasted about 45 seconds. The format of each
scene is nearly identical from one 45-second
segment to the next: HYST gives a hilariously
specific time stamp… close-up of one of the girls,
highly distraught… static… panicking… more
video distortion… crying into the camera… cut to black, end scene. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It really drags the film out. And I mean D R R R R R A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A G G…
You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t mentioned the monster in Monster yet. That’s because it’s
just too dumb to consider. Let’s just say that contrary to what the filmmakers think, no matter how
big a squid may be, it’s still not a burrowing animal.
Monster isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. But it's close. And here at The ‘Bin, that’s saying a lot.
It really drags the film out. And I mean D R R R R R A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A G G…
You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t mentioned the monster in Monster yet. That’s because it’s
just too dumb to consider. Let’s just say that contrary to what the filmmakers think, no matter how
big a squid may be, it’s still not a burrowing animal.
Monster isn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen. But it's close. And here at The ‘Bin, that’s saying a lot.
| For anyone confused by The Asylum's Monster, here is an incomplete list of things a squid cannot due, regardless of its size: burrow underground, cause earthquakes, blindly knock fighter jets out of the sky, growl, eat people. |
