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MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS
* * * * * (2009, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Not a Giant Squid, a Giant Octopus
This film was already on The 'Bin's radar, but when J.D. Drew (not that one), Friend of The 'Bin,
brought the trailer to my attention, I knew I had to review it post-haste.
Check it out. I'll wait.
* * * * * (2009, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Not a Giant Squid, a Giant Octopus
This film was already on The 'Bin's radar, but when J.D. Drew (not that one), Friend of The 'Bin,
brought the trailer to my attention, I knew I had to review it post-haste.
Check it out. I'll wait.
It took a while for me to convince J.D. Drew that this was indeed a
real movie (a product of The Asylum -- yes, them again), and after
the slate of terrible, terrible movies I've suffered through of late, my
gut told me that this movie just might be something special. So
when I finally got my grubby little hands on a copy, I held the
World's First Bargain Bin Review Film Viewing. In attendance
was the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn (who can rarely be bothered to sit
through the movies reviewed here), J.D. Drew on color
commentary and Dr. Johnston Hotch, Man of Science and Friend
of The 'Bin, lending his technical expertise. We warmed up by
debating which creature would win in a fight and the chances of
Debbie Gibson appearing naked.
You'll be pleased to hear that we open with completely unrelated
footage of snow-capped mountains. This eventually segues to
real movie (a product of The Asylum -- yes, them again), and after
the slate of terrible, terrible movies I've suffered through of late, my
gut told me that this movie just might be something special. So
when I finally got my grubby little hands on a copy, I held the
World's First Bargain Bin Review Film Viewing. In attendance
was the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn (who can rarely be bothered to sit
through the movies reviewed here), J.D. Drew on color
commentary and Dr. Johnston Hotch, Man of Science and Friend
of The 'Bin, lending his technical expertise. We warmed up by
debating which creature would win in a fight and the chances of
Debbie Gibson appearing naked.
You'll be pleased to hear that we open with completely unrelated
footage of snow-capped mountains. This eventually segues to
Deborah Gibson in a submarine (and a tank top!), enjoying stock footage of sea life from vastly
different underwater ecosystems. There's also some military helicopter doing whatever by a
glacier wall and a herd of humpback whales and really, who cares, because before you know it,
the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus that have been frozen in Mortal Kombat for thousands of years
are now on the loose.
different underwater ecosystems. There's also some military helicopter doing whatever by a
glacier wall and a herd of humpback whales and really, who cares, because before you know it,
the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus that have been frozen in Mortal Kombat for thousands of years
are now on the loose.
It turns out that Deborah Gibson is a
Scientist (it also turns out that it's
tough to find a vintage Debbie
Gibson video -- this should more
than suffice). She thinks Something
Is Amiss. The fact that a Giant
Octopus has taken out a Japanese
oil rig Godzilla-style and a Mega
Shark jumped out of the ocean to
take out a 747 mid-flight might have
something to do with that. She gets
canned by her Corporate A-Hole
Boss, and teams up with her old
college professor.
Her old college professor? He's
Irish. REALLY Irish. Like the
character's name might as well have
Scientist (it also turns out that it's
tough to find a vintage Debbie
Gibson video -- this should more
than suffice). She thinks Something
Is Amiss. The fact that a Giant
Octopus has taken out a Japanese
oil rig Godzilla-style and a Mega
Shark jumped out of the ocean to
take out a 747 mid-flight might have
something to do with that. She gets
canned by her Corporate A-Hole
Boss, and teams up with her old
college professor.
Her old college professor? He's
Irish. REALLY Irish. Like the
character's name might as well have
been Prof. Lucky McCharms. Seriously. Here's some of his dialog from his first scene with Ms.
Gibson:
The two engage in their very own "C.S.I."-style "doin' research" montage -- all that's missing is the
Portishead -- and are soon joined by a scientist from Japan. Our Three Scienteers soon discover
that there are not one but two creatures running amok: a megalodon and a...
Gibson:
- "You know, you once dragged my drunken arse out of the gutter."
- "Sounds like you need some Luck of the Irish."
- "Are you sure you're alright, Lassie?"
- "Ah, the bloody Feds... They'll hound you 'til you're leaking from every orifice."
The two engage in their very own "C.S.I."-style "doin' research" montage -- all that's missing is the
Portishead -- and are soon joined by a scientist from Japan. Our Three Scienteers soon discover
that there are not one but two creatures running amok: a megalodon and a...
| DEBORAH GIBSON What? Giant squid? JAPANESE SCIENTIST AND PROF. LUCKY MCCHARMS Octopus! |
This discovery gets our Three Scienteers apprehended by The Feds, led by 'Bin Regular Lorenzo
Lamas. Sadly, the original "Renegade" isn't used much in this film, though he does contribute a
few cheap shots at the Bush Administration and the term "Sharkzilla." Why he's dressed as a
Hollywood agent instead of a military officer is never explained.
Lamas. Sadly, the original "Renegade" isn't used much in this film, though he does contribute a
few cheap shots at the Bush Administration and the term "Sharkzilla." Why he's dressed as a
Hollywood agent instead of a military officer is never explained.
With the ticking clock ticking, there's just enough time for Deborah
Gibson and the Japanese scientist to slip into a supply closet for
a quickie and another "doin' research" montage before we're
treated to a climax that plays like a discount Hunt for the Red
October. That comes complete with subs consisting of
three-man crews and interior submarine scenes shot in a high
school locker room.
At least this film (unlike some stinkers I could name) delivers.
Here's what I scrawled in my last page of notes:
Gibson and the Japanese scientist to slip into a supply closet for
a quickie and another "doin' research" montage before we're
treated to a climax that plays like a discount Hunt for the Red
October. That comes complete with subs consisting of
three-man crews and interior submarine scenes shot in a high
school locker room.
At least this film (unlike some stinkers I could name) delivers.
Here's what I scrawled in my last page of notes:
| "Deborah" Gibson, sassier than we remember. |
| FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!! |
I was very excited.
Yes, the true stars of the show are the title characters, appearing in all their cheesy CGI glory.
The Giant Squi- er, Octopus has some nice moments, like knocking fighter jets out of the air and
taking out five submarines at once (apparently taking out eight at once would have been showing
off). But it's the Mega Shark who is the real diva.
Yes, the true stars of the show are the title characters, appearing in all their cheesy CGI glory.
The Giant Squi- er, Octopus has some nice moments, like knocking fighter jets out of the air and
taking out five submarines at once (apparently taking out eight at once would have been showing
off). But it's the Mega Shark who is the real diva.
Not only does the Mega Shark take out a
battleship (featuring a sequence that must
have been inspired by Monty Python and the
Holy Grail), not only does the Mega Shark
randomly take a bite out of the Golden Gate
Bridge, "killing thousands," but the Mega
Shark provides a scene that singlehandedly
elevated this film to the rare Five-Asterisk
Rating.
It's actually teased at the end of the trailer: A
747 is experiencing a bit of turbulence as it
battleship (featuring a sequence that must
have been inspired by Monty Python and the
Holy Grail), not only does the Mega Shark
randomly take a bite out of the Golden Gate
Bridge, "killing thousands," but the Mega
Shark provides a scene that singlehandedly
elevated this film to the rare Five-Asterisk
Rating.
It's actually teased at the end of the trailer: A
747 is experiencing a bit of turbulence as it
| Mega Shark 1, National Icon 0 |
crosses the ocean. A flight attendant checks on one nervous looking man, who helpfully
comments, "I'm getting married in two days" just before he looks out the window to see the Mega
Shark jumping up to eat the plane.
That's right. The prehistoric shark, sensing that an airplane travelling hundreds of miles per hour
would soon be flying a few miles above its head, leaps up up up through the air and eats the
plane.
Instant. Classic.
comments, "I'm getting married in two days" just before he looks out the window to see the Mega
Shark jumping up to eat the plane.
That's right. The prehistoric shark, sensing that an airplane travelling hundreds of miles per hour
would soon be flying a few miles above its head, leaps up up up through the air and eats the
plane.
Instant. Classic.
Looking for a second opinion? You can
choose from these Cohorts of The 'Bin:
Full Moon Reviews
Geeks of Doom
WTF-Film.com
choose from these Cohorts of The 'Bin:
Full Moon Reviews
Geeks of Doom
WTF-Film.com
| Looking for some other deep-sea goodness? Check out these reviews: |
| '10 Binnie Winner! |