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LETHAL NINJA
* * * (1993, 83 minutes, Rated R)
The crappiness of this movie is silent as the night.
Ah, one of my favorite movie clichés: The teeny-tiny text opening. Though I have to admit, I only like
it because it gives me a nice block of text to pad the length of my review. Here is the teeny-tiny text,
word-for-word, bringing me that much closer to requiring reading glasses:
* * * (1993, 83 minutes, Rated R)
The crappiness of this movie is silent as the night.
Ah, one of my favorite movie clichés: The teeny-tiny text opening. Though I have to admit, I only like
it because it gives me a nice block of text to pad the length of my review. Here is the teeny-tiny text,
word-for-word, bringing me that much closer to requiring reading glasses:
 |
"When the people of the dark continent will fall to an enemy ambush, for a long time it will remain uninhabited around there the oduba and kattir come to gush forth. The water will go bad. The dark shadow of death will arise from the waters and enshorde those on the shores and bodies swim in blood. The pale one the one from the east the land further than the sunrise will bring salvation. Blood will flow because of a man plotting with evil. Those who plot are at point of dying. After the battle, the eloquence of the man from the west brings a respite for a long time." - Nostradamus |
Who knew that Nostradamus had such terrible grammar?
Anyway, you’ll be happy to know that while this prediction is referenced a few times in the film, it’s
largely irrelevant. In other words, the filmmakers had no idea of how to start their movie.
(Much like this review. What? Who said that?)
| Where in Africa? Doesn’t matter! To American audiences, Africa is a giant place where everything looks exactly the same, like a mattress store or Montana. |
And we’re off to “Lake Oduba” in Africa! A
Sexy Scientist and an Absent-Minded
Professor have their chemistry sets out,
testing lake water that appears to have been
turned into steaming Snapple. The Absent-
Minded Professor subjects us to his awful,
awful “Irish” accent – it’s so bad, I want to go
back in time and apologize to Sean Lawlor for
calling his character in Mega Shark vs. Giant
Octopus “Prof. Lucky McCharms.” Finally,
some ‘80s corporate villains, led by a Poor
Man’s Anthony Hopkins, put us out of our
misery by shotting the Absent-Minded
Professor with a crossbow.
And suddenly… NINJAS! The ninjas kill
everyone (because that’s what ninjas do)
except the Sexy Scientist because... she’s
Sexy? Then they blow up the research camp
with a bazooka, because modern day ninjas
are not known for their subtlety.
Sexy Scientist and an Absent-Minded
Professor have their chemistry sets out,
testing lake water that appears to have been
turned into steaming Snapple. The Absent-
Minded Professor subjects us to his awful,
awful “Irish” accent – it’s so bad, I want to go
back in time and apologize to Sean Lawlor for
calling his character in Mega Shark vs. Giant
Octopus “Prof. Lucky McCharms.” Finally,
some ‘80s corporate villains, led by a Poor
Man’s Anthony Hopkins, put us out of our
misery by shotting the Absent-Minded
Professor with a crossbow.
And suddenly… NINJAS! The ninjas kill
everyone (because that’s what ninjas do)
except the Sexy Scientist because... she’s
Sexy? Then they blow up the research camp
with a bazooka, because modern day ninjas
are not known for their subtlety.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco… A group of hippies are meditating in the park. The group is led by
faux hippie Joe, husband of the Sexy Scientist and most likely a former soap opera star (yep).
Joe's not pleased to hear about the ninja attack, or that the government is quite happy to do
nothing about it. “It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you!” Joe shouts out to his missing
Sexy Scientist half a world away, “There’s nothing that a hundred men or more can ever do!”
Okay, Joe doesn’t really say that, but he totally would have if I wrote the script. After a quick stop at
the local kickboxing joint to recruit Axel Foley’s Kid Brother, our duo heads off to bless the rains
down in Africa.
faux hippie Joe, husband of the Sexy Scientist and most likely a former soap opera star (yep).
Joe's not pleased to hear about the ninja attack, or that the government is quite happy to do
nothing about it. “It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you!” Joe shouts out to his missing
Sexy Scientist half a world away, “There’s nothing that a hundred men or more can ever do!”
Okay, Joe doesn’t really say that, but he totally would have if I wrote the script. After a quick stop at
the local kickboxing joint to recruit Axel Foley’s Kid Brother, our duo heads off to bless the rains
down in Africa.
| Search an entire continent for your missing wife? No problem! |
Clearly, the filmmakers have never left the country.
Observe what happens next:
Adventures in Traveling, Part 1. When asked at Customs
if they have anything to declare, our duo announce that
they have crossbows for a "hunting trip." The customs
officer looks at them both, smiles and stamps their
passports. No permits necessary! And no, those
crossbows are never seen or heard of again.
Adventures in Traveling, Part 2. Our duo shows up at a
posh hotel and discover that their reservations have been
cancelled. Oh no! Fortunately, the hotel owner waltzes by
and comps them a suite. Okay, sure, the hotel owner has
ulterior motives, but they're still the luckiest tourists ever.
Observe what happens next:
Adventures in Traveling, Part 1. When asked at Customs
if they have anything to declare, our duo announce that
they have crossbows for a "hunting trip." The customs
officer looks at them both, smiles and stamps their
passports. No permits necessary! And no, those
crossbows are never seen or heard of again.
Adventures in Traveling, Part 2. Our duo shows up at a
posh hotel and discover that their reservations have been
cancelled. Oh no! Fortunately, the hotel owner waltzes by
and comps them a suite. Okay, sure, the hotel owner has
ulterior motives, but they're still the luckiest tourists ever.
Know who might be luckier? The Sexy Scientist. She spends the entire movie locked up in a luxury
suite at the same hotel, where she's forced to... hang out and eat room service. I wish someone
would kidnap me and force me into such an arrangement. Poor Man's Anthony Hopkins shows up
periodically and tries to talk her into doing the research she was already doing when his ninjas
stormed her camp. She refuses, he scowls, and then it's back to her hotel Pay-Per-View.
The unlucky ones in this scenario is the audience. During our duo's "hunt for clues," we get a
painfully dragged out sequence in the World's Lamest Night Club. "Have you ever loved someone
/ Loved them all the way?" warbles the lead singer (the hotel owner's girl, naturally) while her
backup singers wobble around like they're doing impersonations of Tickle Me Elmo. Of course,
we're treated to the entire performance.
Sadly, the World's Lamest Night Club also appears to be the only one in Africa because the
country's President is also in attendance.
suite at the same hotel, where she's forced to... hang out and eat room service. I wish someone
would kidnap me and force me into such an arrangement. Poor Man's Anthony Hopkins shows up
periodically and tries to talk her into doing the research she was already doing when his ninjas
stormed her camp. She refuses, he scowls, and then it's back to her hotel Pay-Per-View.
The unlucky ones in this scenario is the audience. During our duo's "hunt for clues," we get a
painfully dragged out sequence in the World's Lamest Night Club. "Have you ever loved someone
/ Loved them all the way?" warbles the lead singer (the hotel owner's girl, naturally) while her
backup singers wobble around like they're doing impersonations of Tickle Me Elmo. Of course,
we're treated to the entire performance.
Sadly, the World's Lamest Night Club also appears to be the only one in Africa because the
country's President is also in attendance.
| This is just a reminder that there are ninjas in this film. |
Eventually, we do get back to ninja action, and it's
the kind of stuff that's made for 12-year-old boys: All
of the action is completely bloodless and nothing
makes a lick of sense.
Sure, Joe and Alex Foley's Kid Brother are forced to
take on dozens of ninjas at a time, but Joe can
apparently knock ninjas unconscious with a single
punch to the chest, so that helps. Our heroes also
have guns, so it just doesn't matter how good you
are with nunchucks, as one poor ninja learned the
hard way.
"Im-Bull-SEALS!" shouts Poor Man's Anthony
Hopkins as he observes the action from his sad
little security room. There's even a car chase
the kind of stuff that's made for 12-year-old boys: All
of the action is completely bloodless and nothing
makes a lick of sense.
Sure, Joe and Alex Foley's Kid Brother are forced to
take on dozens of ninjas at a time, but Joe can
apparently knock ninjas unconscious with a single
punch to the chest, so that helps. Our heroes also
have guns, so it just doesn't matter how good you
are with nunchucks, as one poor ninja learned the
hard way.
"Im-Bull-SEALS!" shouts Poor Man's Anthony
Hopkins as he observes the action from his sad
little security room. There's even a car chase
shoe-horned in here -- because what's a ninja movie without a car chase? -- complete with
accompaniment by The Piano of Buddy Cop Wackiness.
Whew. I'm exhausted. And I haven't even mentioned the rollerskating ninjas yet. Repeat: the
rollerskating ninjas.
Nah, I'm done. If Lethal Ninja, which plays like the filmmakers made everytingl up as they went
along, can end the film with a montage of scenes from earlier in the movie, then I think I can
simply end with the trailer.
Make sure to keep an eye out for the steaming Snapple, Alex Foley's Kid Brother, the Poor Man's
Anthony Hopkins, the rollerskating ninjas and the abundance of "out" prefixed adjectives.
accompaniment by The Piano of Buddy Cop Wackiness.
Whew. I'm exhausted. And I haven't even mentioned the rollerskating ninjas yet. Repeat: the
rollerskating ninjas.
Nah, I'm done. If Lethal Ninja, which plays like the filmmakers made everytingl up as they went
along, can end the film with a montage of scenes from earlier in the movie, then I think I can
simply end with the trailer.
Make sure to keep an eye out for the steaming Snapple, Alex Foley's Kid Brother, the Poor Man's
Anthony Hopkins, the rollerskating ninjas and the abundance of "out" prefixed adjectives.