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LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS
* * * (2009, 82 minutes, Rated R)
Mostly Harmless.
If you’re like me, you took a look at the title of this film and thought, “Is this a film about lesbians
who kill vampires, or about people who kill lesbian vampires?” An-- yes, I did have friends as a
child!
The good news is that this film attempted to ape what I consider to be The Best Film of The 21st
Century, Shaun of the Dead. I consider that good news because if you’re going to ape another
* * * (2009, 82 minutes, Rated R)
Mostly Harmless.
If you’re like me, you took a look at the title of this film and thought, “Is this a film about lesbians
who kill vampires, or about people who kill lesbian vampires?” An-- yes, I did have friends as a
child!
The good news is that this film attempted to ape what I consider to be The Best Film of The 21st
Century, Shaun of the Dead. I consider that good news because if you’re going to ape another
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film, might as well ape a really good one. The bad news is…
well, obvious.
At least Lesbian Vampire Killers has a gorgeous opening:
We get a tale of how Carmilla the Vampire Queen terrorized a
medieval town until the local Baron decided to get mystical on
her ass. The Baron dips into the dark arts and creates a +3
Sword of Vampiric Cleaving. He’s about to strike her down
when Carmilla unloads the most intricate curse ever.
Unfortunately, I could barely understand Carmilla through her
fake fangs, but it has something to do with all the women in
town turning into lesbian vampires and the last of his
bloodline blah blah curse biscuits. I think she also includes
a clause into the curse that leads to her resurrection, which
didn’t seem kosher to me.
Fortunately, the Narrator is as put off by all this as I am. “And
with that, he lopped her fucking head off.”
With that, we enter Shaun of the Dead Country: It’s modern-
day England! We meet Spineless Jimmy, who has just been
dumped by his girlfriend and is not at all like Shaun from
well, obvious.
At least Lesbian Vampire Killers has a gorgeous opening:
We get a tale of how Carmilla the Vampire Queen terrorized a
medieval town until the local Baron decided to get mystical on
her ass. The Baron dips into the dark arts and creates a +3
Sword of Vampiric Cleaving. He’s about to strike her down
when Carmilla unloads the most intricate curse ever.
Unfortunately, I could barely understand Carmilla through her
fake fangs, but it has something to do with all the women in
town turning into lesbian vampires and the last of his
bloodline blah blah curse biscuits. I think she also includes
a clause into the curse that leads to her resurrection, which
didn’t seem kosher to me.
Fortunately, the Narrator is as put off by all this as I am. “And
with that, he lopped her fucking head off.”
With that, we enter Shaun of the Dead Country: It’s modern-
day England! We meet Spineless Jimmy, who has just been
dumped by his girlfriend and is not at all like Shaun from
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| Shaun of the Dead (above), Officially the Best Film of the 21st Century (So Far) |
Shaun of the Dead! And there’s his sloppy, uncouth best friend, Fletch, getting fired -- he’s not at
all like Ed from Shaun of the Dead! And they’re at the pub, commiserating, not at all like… *sigh*.
Here’s at least one thing that different: These blokes have really cool accents, like Mike Skinner of
The Streets. If you haven’t heard of The Streets, then check ‘em out:
all like Ed from Shaun of the Dead! And they’re at the pub, commiserating, not at all like… *sigh*.
Here’s at least one thing that different: These blokes have really cool accents, like Mike Skinner of
The Streets. If you haven’t heard of The Streets, then check ‘em out:
Yeah, pretty awesome. Now, where were we…
Ayeah, Lesbian Vampire Hunters. Spineless Jimmy talks Fletch (much apologies to Fletch at Blog
Cabins, there’s no getting around this) into easing their collective pain with a hiking trip -- that’s as
random to Fletch as it is to the audience -- which brings our duo to the town from the opening.
They meet up with a van full of hottie folklore students. They party, and like 10 minutes later, most
of the group has been turned into lesbian vampires. Lots of self-conscious humor ensues.
It’s a strange thing: For as locked down as we as a society seem to have locked down vampire
lore, there’s still a lot of wiggle room. For reasons I don’t understand, these vampires are filled
with white goop and highly disposable -- considering all the alleged scary-supernatural-
undeadness, they’re surprisingly easy to kill Spineless Jimmy’s love interest dispatches one
vamp with an unsharpened tree branch as big around as my thigh. Fletch decapitates another
with a frying pan -- a frying pan! C’mon! I know it’s great sport to make fun of the Twilight vampires
(I know I have), but at least they can take a punch without popping like water balloons.
By the way, the water balloon allusion isn’t too far off. When killed, these vampires become
geysers of white puss. I’m sure this is meant to be part of the whimsical fun, but how seriously
can you take the film’s central threat when they’re effectively Marshmallow Fluff piñatas with low-
cut dresses and fangs.
Ayeah, Lesbian Vampire Hunters. Spineless Jimmy talks Fletch (much apologies to Fletch at Blog
Cabins, there’s no getting around this) into easing their collective pain with a hiking trip -- that’s as
random to Fletch as it is to the audience -- which brings our duo to the town from the opening.
They meet up with a van full of hottie folklore students. They party, and like 10 minutes later, most
of the group has been turned into lesbian vampires. Lots of self-conscious humor ensues.
It’s a strange thing: For as locked down as we as a society seem to have locked down vampire
lore, there’s still a lot of wiggle room. For reasons I don’t understand, these vampires are filled
with white goop and highly disposable -- considering all the alleged scary-supernatural-
undeadness, they’re surprisingly easy to kill Spineless Jimmy’s love interest dispatches one
vamp with an unsharpened tree branch as big around as my thigh. Fletch decapitates another
with a frying pan -- a frying pan! C’mon! I know it’s great sport to make fun of the Twilight vampires
(I know I have), but at least they can take a punch without popping like water balloons.
By the way, the water balloon allusion isn’t too far off. When killed, these vampires become
geysers of white puss. I’m sure this is meant to be part of the whimsical fun, but how seriously
can you take the film’s central threat when they’re effectively Marshmallow Fluff piñatas with low-
cut dresses and fangs.
| Who would've guessed that vampires are made of this? |
And that right there is one of the biggest flaws in Lesbian
Vampire Killers.
I like me some comedy/horror -- the aforementioned
Shaun of the Dead is a great example, Scream is
another. What those two movies have in common is that
they are unquestionably horror movies first, and let the
comedy come naturally from the characters. On the other
hand, Lesbian Vampire Killers goes heavy with its over-
reliance on whip-crack sound effects and fluff-filled
vampires, just feels like a harmless comedy.
And if there’s anything a film titled Lesbian Vampire
Killers shouldn’t be, it’s harmless.
Vampire Killers.
I like me some comedy/horror -- the aforementioned
Shaun of the Dead is a great example, Scream is
another. What those two movies have in common is that
they are unquestionably horror movies first, and let the
comedy come naturally from the characters. On the other
hand, Lesbian Vampire Killers goes heavy with its over-
reliance on whip-crack sound effects and fluff-filled
vampires, just feels like a harmless comedy.
And if there’s anything a film titled Lesbian Vampire
Killers shouldn’t be, it’s harmless.
Looking for a second opinion on this film? Don't know why you'd need one,
but we'll go ahead anyway and recommend the following quality sites:
FATALLY YOURS
GEEKS OF DOOM
HELLHORROR.COM
but we'll go ahead anyway and recommend the following quality sites:
FATALLY YOURS
GEEKS OF DOOM
HELLHORROR.COM