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KING OF THE LOST WORLD
* * * (2005, 85 minutes, Rated R)
Half-baked "Lost."
Here at The 'Bin, we encounter many kinds of bad movies. I don't just mean delightfully bad vs.
painfully bad -- that's a given. I mean different flavors of failure, such as the offensively bad, the
disappointingly bad and the incompetently bad. The Asylum's King of the Lost World, released to
piggyback Peter Jackson's King Kong remake (which falls under "disappointingly bad"), introduced
a new kind of bad: the Incomplete Bad.
* * * (2005, 85 minutes, Rated R)
Half-baked "Lost."
Here at The 'Bin, we encounter many kinds of bad movies. I don't just mean delightfully bad vs.
painfully bad -- that's a given. I mean different flavors of failure, such as the offensively bad, the
disappointingly bad and the incompetently bad. The Asylum's King of the Lost World, released to
piggyback Peter Jackson's King Kong remake (which falls under "disappointingly bad"), introduced
a new kind of bad: the Incomplete Bad.
 |
It's as if the filmmakers decided that the
film would be released on a specific date,
regardless of where it was in the
post-production process. And it shows in
a number of ways: unexplained plot
elements, strange editing and blurry CGI. I
don't just mean poorly rendered CGI -- I
mean obviously unfinished.
I gave this film three asterisks on audacity
alone.
In theory, this film is not based off King
Kong but Sir Author Conan Doyle's novel,
The Lost World (for those of you born after
1989, a novel is a very long story printed
and bound on paper for mass distribution
-- very quaint, I know). The Lost World was
film would be released on a specific date,
regardless of where it was in the
post-production process. And it shows in
a number of ways: unexplained plot
elements, strange editing and blurry CGI. I
don't just mean poorly rendered CGI -- I
mean obviously unfinished.
I gave this film three asterisks on audacity
alone.
In theory, this film is not based off King
Kong but Sir Author Conan Doyle's novel,
The Lost World (for those of you born after
1989, a novel is a very long story printed
and bound on paper for mass distribution
-- very quaint, I know). The Lost World was
| With all due respect for the great Willis O'Brien, when the giant ape in your film looks less realistic than the giant ape created over 70 years ago, your giant ape sucks. |
an adventure story with dinosaurs and a coherent plot. King of the Lost World is a half-baked
mess with enlarged everyday animals and a half dozen concepts ripped off from the first two
seasons of "Lost."
mess with enlarged everyday animals and a half dozen concepts ripped off from the first two
seasons of "Lost."
| Like this, but without the excitement. |
The film opens with an airplane crashing
(behind a mountain) on a deserted island.
Passengers wander around the wreck with
minor cuts and carefully applied soot, looking
for loved ones -- apparently, all the
passengers got up in the middle of the
emergency landing to wander around the
plane. I'm sure it's meant to be disorienting,
but because the camera doesn't focus on any
single character, the scene is disorienting in
all the wrong ways.
Within about ten minutes, the survivors are
bickering over whether to stay with the
wreckage and wait for rescue or seek out the
(behind a mountain) on a deserted island.
Passengers wander around the wreck with
minor cuts and carefully applied soot, looking
for loved ones -- apparently, all the
passengers got up in the middle of the
emergency landing to wander around the
plane. I'm sure it's meant to be disorienting,
but because the camera doesn't focus on any
single character, the scene is disorienting in
all the wrong ways.
Within about ten minutes, the survivors are
bickering over whether to stay with the
wreckage and wait for rescue or seek out the
other half of the plane in the jungle. There was a similar argument in an early episode of "Lost,"
and it was just as stupid an argument then as it is here. You have a few dozen able-bodied
survivors. You can do both.
After plenty of warnings that "It's dangerous out there!", a handful of no-named survivors trek out
into the jungle to find the half of the plane with the radio. I found out later on The Internets that a
bunch of these characters share the same names as those in Doyle's The Lost World, but you'd
never know it here. With the exception of the Hot Priss, they're not even good stereotypes: There's
Guy in Polo Shirt, Other Guy in Khakis, Brash Photographer Lady and a bunch of flight
attendants/cannon fodder.
and it was just as stupid an argument then as it is here. You have a few dozen able-bodied
survivors. You can do both.
After plenty of warnings that "It's dangerous out there!", a handful of no-named survivors trek out
into the jungle to find the half of the plane with the radio. I found out later on The Internets that a
bunch of these characters share the same names as those in Doyle's The Lost World, but you'd
never know it here. With the exception of the Hot Priss, they're not even good stereotypes: There's
Guy in Polo Shirt, Other Guy in Khakis, Brash Photographer Lady and a bunch of flight
attendants/cannon fodder.
| Like this, but nobody cares. |
Guy in Polo Shirt quickly establishes himself
as the Alpha Male, largely on the strength of his
Australian accent and his ability to grit out
tough-guy talk. He leads our band of bland,
nameless characters against such adversity
as:
as the Alpha Male, largely on the strength of his
Australian accent and his ability to grit out
tough-guy talk. He leads our band of bland,
nameless characters against such adversity
as:
- Giant CGI Spider, capable of
mummifying adult humans in seconds; - Vines on Strings, which wiggles around
and do horrible things to people off-
camera; - Giant CGI Scorpions, easily scared off
with a camera flash except for when the plot requires someone to die;
That "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" guy is Bruce Boxleitner, who also played the title role in Tron (I
didn't recognize him cuz he wasn't glowing blue). Here he plays an Air Force Officer With a
Secret, who Seems To Know Things and is something of a Lone Wolf. He even has a knife on
him -- just like John Locke on "Lost"!
- Staff Infection, instantly cured with a hot knife; and
- The Guy from "Scarecrow and Mrs. King," a fairly popular '80s TV show.
That "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" guy is Bruce Boxleitner, who also played the title role in Tron (I
didn't recognize him cuz he wasn't glowing blue). Here he plays an Air Force Officer With a
Secret, who Seems To Know Things and is something of a Lone Wolf. He even has a knife on
him -- just like John Locke on "Lost"!
| Dear Mr. O'Quinn: You may be the only actor to become a first-time action hero at the age of 52. That's rocks. You should be high-fived daily. Congrats on the Emmy, Nolahn |
Can you believe that The Others even show up in this movie? Only here, The Others consists of
frat boys trying to speak Klingon. I swear, this movie can't do anything right.
There's some nonsense about a sacrifice and flying dragon things that look like Ghidorah and a
nuclear bomb with a remote trigger that has a range of 300 yards. Oh very good.
And finally, for at least two minutes or so, there's the blurry faux King Kong. Or as the Frat Others
say, "You cannot say his name." Copyright reasons, don't ya know.
If you enjoyed this review -- and who didn't? --
then be sure to check out some of the other
mockbusters reviewed here at The 'Bin:
then be sure to check out some of the other
mockbusters reviewed here at The 'Bin:
