KILL SWITCH
* * * (2008, 96 minutes, Rated R)
Listen, my friends, and I'll tell you all
Of a sad little movie starring Steven Seagal
According to the most reliable source on the Interwebs, a kill switch is "a security measure used to
shut off a device in an emergency situation in which it cannot be shut down in the usual manner.
Unlike a normal shut down... a kill switch is designed to completely abort the operation at all
costs." Not that it matters, because I can't think of a single way -- literal or figurative -- that a kill
switch has anything to do with this movie.
But this movie has everything to do with Steven Seagal. Oh yeah...
Steven Seagal executive produces, writes and even shows his acting chops by using a Cajun
accent while starring as Detective Jacob King (and is it just me, or are Seagal's characters always
given incredibly fake and goofy names?). King is a Maverick Cop, Haunted by His Past, who is
* * * (2008, 96 minutes, Rated R)
Listen, my friends, and I'll tell you all
Of a sad little movie starring Steven Seagal
According to the most reliable source on the Interwebs, a kill switch is "a security measure used to
shut off a device in an emergency situation in which it cannot be shut down in the usual manner.
Unlike a normal shut down... a kill switch is designed to completely abort the operation at all
costs." Not that it matters, because I can't think of a single way -- literal or figurative -- that a kill
switch has anything to do with this movie.
But this movie has everything to do with Steven Seagal. Oh yeah...
Steven Seagal executive produces, writes and even shows his acting chops by using a Cajun
accent while starring as Detective Jacob King (and is it just me, or are Seagal's characters always
given incredibly fake and goofy names?). King is a Maverick Cop, Haunted by His Past, who is
working the homicide beat on the Mean Streets of Gritty
downtown Memphis (don't snicker, Memphis is a pretty
rough town).
King is just the kind of Maverick Cop who is blissfully
unaware of such pedestrian law enforcement concepts as
"police brutality," as demonstrated in Seagal's first scene
where is kicks an unarmed and battered baddie out a third
story window. We're treated to seeing the guy bust through
the window a dozen times -- yes, I counted -- from as many
different angles. I think the effect the filmmakers were trying
for was "intense," but the result is "hilarious."
Fortunately, everyone seems to pretend Seagal's King isn't a
huge legal liability and doesn't have any serious anger
management problems because He's A Brilliant Detective.
King is deep into the investigation of a serial killer dubbed
"The Grifter," who likes to leave astrological signs and blah
blah blah -- it's pretty standard stuff. On hand to help is
Isaac Hayes as Isaac the Coroner. Together, Hayes and
Seagal share a few scenes and play "C.S.I."
But, whatever. That's not why anyone watches Steven
Seagal movies. Let's talk fight scenes.
First, the good: As usual, Seagal's character is
nigh-invulnerable. Even The Undertaker sells punches
better than Seagal. In one scene, a thug is holding King's
arms back while his buddy hammers away at King with a
giant metal pipe... and King is barely phased.
downtown Memphis (don't snicker, Memphis is a pretty
rough town).
King is just the kind of Maverick Cop who is blissfully
unaware of such pedestrian law enforcement concepts as
"police brutality," as demonstrated in Seagal's first scene
where is kicks an unarmed and battered baddie out a third
story window. We're treated to seeing the guy bust through
the window a dozen times -- yes, I counted -- from as many
different angles. I think the effect the filmmakers were trying
for was "intense," but the result is "hilarious."
Fortunately, everyone seems to pretend Seagal's King isn't a
huge legal liability and doesn't have any serious anger
management problems because He's A Brilliant Detective.
King is deep into the investigation of a serial killer dubbed
"The Grifter," who likes to leave astrological signs and blah
blah blah -- it's pretty standard stuff. On hand to help is
Isaac Hayes as Isaac the Coroner. Together, Hayes and
Seagal share a few scenes and play "C.S.I."
But, whatever. That's not why anyone watches Steven
Seagal movies. Let's talk fight scenes.
First, the good: As usual, Seagal's character is
nigh-invulnerable. Even The Undertaker sells punches
better than Seagal. In one scene, a thug is holding King's
arms back while his buddy hammers away at King with a
giant metal pipe... and King is barely phased.
In all fairness, some of that invulnerability rubs off onto The Grifter: During a chase scene, King
causes The Grifter's car to explode like it had a case of old dynamite in the trunk, yet The Grifter is
completely unharmed.
And now, the bad: Seagal's stunt double must've had quite a workout, cuz it clearly wasn't Seagal
in any of the fight scenes. All of the fight scenes are a choppy mess, largely consisting of the
back of Seagal's stunt double (sporting a bad wig) unloading a zillion punches on whomever is
in front of him. These shots are often broken up with a quick close-up of Seagal looking sleepy.
Even stranger, Seagal's King does a lot of (obviously dubbed) mid-fight trash talking. Fight
scenes are littered with such non sequiturs as "How's it, sport?" and "You wanna play?" I guess
causes The Grifter's car to explode like it had a case of old dynamite in the trunk, yet The Grifter is
completely unharmed.
And now, the bad: Seagal's stunt double must've had quite a workout, cuz it clearly wasn't Seagal
in any of the fight scenes. All of the fight scenes are a choppy mess, largely consisting of the
back of Seagal's stunt double (sporting a bad wig) unloading a zillion punches on whomever is
in front of him. These shots are often broken up with a quick close-up of Seagal looking sleepy.
Even stranger, Seagal's King does a lot of (obviously dubbed) mid-fight trash talking. Fight
scenes are littered with such non sequiturs as "How's it, sport?" and "You wanna play?" I guess
it's meant to sound really tough but just comes off
as damn weird.
Know what else is weird? In gun fights, Seagal
holds his pistol in one hand up by his eyes, only
about a foot away from his face, and holds his gut
in with his other hand. And yes, as is tradition in
action movies, all parties fire hundreds of rounds at
each other without hitting a single thing.
All the fight scenes are broken up with traditional
scenes of battles over jurisdiction and not-so
traditional scenes of Seagal's King reading
documents and looking at astrological signs. Pretty
gripping stuff. Just for variety, there's the
occasional scene where King turns down
opportunities to have sex.
And when a guy like that turns down sex, that's
when you know you're watching a work of fiction.
* * *
>> SPOILER ALERT << Yes, I know what the
chances are that you'll actually watch this movie, but
you should still get the warning. That said, there's
as damn weird.
Know what else is weird? In gun fights, Seagal
holds his pistol in one hand up by his eyes, only
about a foot away from his face, and holds his gut
in with his other hand. And yes, as is tradition in
action movies, all parties fire hundreds of rounds at
each other without hitting a single thing.
All the fight scenes are broken up with traditional
scenes of battles over jurisdiction and not-so
traditional scenes of Seagal's King reading
documents and looking at astrological signs. Pretty
gripping stuff. Just for variety, there's the
occasional scene where King turns down
opportunities to have sex.
And when a guy like that turns down sex, that's
when you know you're watching a work of fiction.
* * *
>> SPOILER ALERT << Yes, I know what the
chances are that you'll actually watch this movie, but
you should still get the warning. That said, there's
| "You wanna play?" |
no way I can not address the final scene. It's still making my head hurt. Anyway, you've been
warned. Highlight to read on...
warned. Highlight to read on...
| After King gets revenge and kills the guy who murdered the girlfriend King never seemed to want to have sex with, he leaves his resignation for his partner. The final scene is of King pulling up to his childhood home, where two kids greet him with cries of "Papa!" Kane speaks Russian to them and gives them gifts. A blond shows up to give King a very warm hug. The two speak Russian as she leads him to a bedroom. She peels off her top -- I'm sure with the amount spent on that rack, she's saving money by not buying bras -- and they kiss. King mercifully kicks the door shut, cuz who wants to watch Steven Seagal get it on? The End. Okay, so... King is married? With children? And from Russia? The hell? There is no, nada, zero indication or mention of any of this throughout the entire film. It's almost as if the editor added the wrong scene to the end of the film. And no, it;s not just me -- you can check out the thread at IMDB. |
| '09 Binnie Winner! |
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