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KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF
THE PARK
* * * * (1978, 96 minutes, Not Rated [TV-Movie])
A Hanna-Barbera Production.
The incoherence of the opening credits is a nice preview to the incoherence of the film itself: We
open with KISS performing their timeless hit, “Rock and Roll All Nite.” I would have closed out
with that song, but whatever, it rocks. KISS is performing… and then there’s an amusement
park…then KISS is ghosted over footage of the amusement park… then they’re on a magic
floating rollercoaster car? And suddenly they’re giants performing in the park? Trust me, a giant
Gene Simmons threatening to eat a rollercoaster is a movie I’d like to see… it’s just not this
movie.
No, this film takes the vaguely demonic (their act includes Simmons breathing fire) and
decidedly naughty (e.g., “Let’s Put the X in Sex,” “Love Gun”) members of KISS and placed them
in a family friendly episode of “Scooby-Doo.”
THE PARK
* * * * (1978, 96 minutes, Not Rated [TV-Movie])
A Hanna-Barbera Production.
The incoherence of the opening credits is a nice preview to the incoherence of the film itself: We
open with KISS performing their timeless hit, “Rock and Roll All Nite.” I would have closed out
with that song, but whatever, it rocks. KISS is performing… and then there’s an amusement
park…then KISS is ghosted over footage of the amusement park… then they’re on a magic
floating rollercoaster car? And suddenly they’re giants performing in the park? Trust me, a giant
Gene Simmons threatening to eat a rollercoaster is a movie I’d like to see… it’s just not this
movie.
No, this film takes the vaguely demonic (their act includes Simmons breathing fire) and
decidedly naughty (e.g., “Let’s Put the X in Sex,” “Love Gun”) members of KISS and placed them
in a family friendly episode of “Scooby-Doo.”
 |
An amusement park in California is about to have KISS
perform for three nights, and everyone is thrilled --
including Melissa and her boyfriend, Sam, who works at
the park.
One person not so happy about the KISS concert is
Sam’s boss, head engineer Abner Devereaux (Anthony
Zerbe, last seen as one of the Councilmen in those
Matrix sequels I’m trying to forget). Abner is more
concerned about creating his army of animatronics and
cyborgs than, you know, actually doing his job, and gets
himself fired.
Naturally, Abner blames KISS.
Meanwhile, Sam has gone missing and Melissa rightly
suspects that Abner is up to something. Zoinks! Looks
like a mystery for KISS!
perform for three nights, and everyone is thrilled --
including Melissa and her boyfriend, Sam, who works at
the park.
One person not so happy about the KISS concert is
Sam’s boss, head engineer Abner Devereaux (Anthony
Zerbe, last seen as one of the Councilmen in those
Matrix sequels I’m trying to forget). Abner is more
concerned about creating his army of animatronics and
cyborgs than, you know, actually doing his job, and gets
himself fired.
Naturally, Abner blames KISS.
Meanwhile, Sam has gone missing and Melissa rightly
suspects that Abner is up to something. Zoinks! Looks
like a mystery for KISS!
| While KISS guitarist Ace Frehley would make for a good Shaggy, crime hound Scooby-Doo does not appear in this film. |
At this point, I had been dutifully awaiting the appearance of KISS. They’re talked about endlessly
for the first half hour, with their music and promotional materials appearing almost constantly in
the background, but outside of the opening credits, they‘re a no-show. The band finally makes
their big appearance for their opening concert at the amusement park, and… well, here's an
excerpt from my notes, so you can experience it the way I did:
for the first half hour, with their music and promotional materials appearing almost constantly in
the background, but outside of the opening credits, they‘re a no-show. The band finally makes
their big appearance for their opening concert at the amusement park, and… well, here's an
excerpt from my notes, so you can experience it the way I did:
30 min in, KISS finally showing up to take the sta HOLY CRAP THEY HAVE SUPERPOWERS!!!! |
After literally flying onto the stage, shooting lasers and whatnot, the film goes on hiatus for some
concert footage. Check out the Side Bar for the list of KISS tunes featured in this film.
For the uninitiated...
concert footage. Check out the Side Bar for the list of KISS tunes featured in this film.
For the uninitiated...
| SIDE BAR SONG LIST |
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
And yes, it is common knowledge in the film that the members of KISS have freakin’
superpowers. Because what else would any group of super beings do besides start a rock band?
It would have been interesting if KISS was from another planet or dimension or something, or if
they were created from some kind of hellish experiment gone very awry. But no, they just get their
powers from a set of talismans that might have come straight from Spencer’s Gifts. I’m sure a
mystical power source kept in a suitcase won’t in any way become a plot point…
After facing sloppy editing, the zaniest sound effects in the Hannah-Barbera library and the fact
that Ace Frehley‘s dialogue largely consists of “Ack!”, KISS heads out to take on Abner. In the
process, KISS battles
It all leads up to an on-stage battle between KISS and anamatronic evil KISS. That’s right: Abner’s
final solution was to make anamatronic versions of KISS and have them cause a riot at the
concert by… changing the lyrics of KISS’s songs. Because if there’s anything that’s sacred to a
KISS fan, it’s the lyrics.
To this day, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park is a sore subject for the members of KISS, and
it’s not hard to see why -- a film based on their face-painted personae is very easy to imagine, but
this ain’t it. While the movie earned boffo ratings, as far as film concepts go, this was about as ill-
conceived as you can get without including CGI animations of popular cartoon characters in a live-
action setting.
superpowers. Because what else would any group of super beings do besides start a rock band?
It would have been interesting if KISS was from another planet or dimension or something, or if
they were created from some kind of hellish experiment gone very awry. But no, they just get their
powers from a set of talismans that might have come straight from Spencer’s Gifts. I’m sure a
mystical power source kept in a suitcase won’t in any way become a plot point…
After facing sloppy editing, the zaniest sound effects in the Hannah-Barbera library and the fact
that Ace Frehley‘s dialogue largely consists of “Ack!”, KISS heads out to take on Abner. In the
process, KISS battles
- anamatronic albino werewolves in spacesuits;
- A remote-controlled merry-go-round;
- anamatronic kung fu masters; and
- anamatronic versions of classic Universal movie monsters.
It all leads up to an on-stage battle between KISS and anamatronic evil KISS. That’s right: Abner’s
final solution was to make anamatronic versions of KISS and have them cause a riot at the
concert by… changing the lyrics of KISS’s songs. Because if there’s anything that’s sacred to a
KISS fan, it’s the lyrics.
To this day, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park is a sore subject for the members of KISS, and
it’s not hard to see why -- a film based on their face-painted personae is very easy to imagine, but
this ain’t it. While the movie earned boffo ratings, as far as film concepts go, this was about as ill-
conceived as you can get without including CGI animations of popular cartoon characters in a live-
action setting.
Yes, KISS was featured in a line of Marvel comic
books, but that’s no excuse for having them battle
the same technology found in Disney's "It’s a Small,
Small World ride." And yes, the core of KISS’s
audience was young teenage boys, but that was
because of their sexual content and faux-evil
appearance, not due to softening it.
Fortunately, much of this is remedied in the
mockumentary, KISS Exposed.
Don’t get me wrong: This film is good for a laugh,
and is a must-see for even the most casual KISS
fan… the same way that “The Star Wars Holiday
Special” is a must-see for Lucas-devotees.
books, but that’s no excuse for having them battle
the same technology found in Disney's "It’s a Small,
Small World ride." And yes, the core of KISS’s
audience was young teenage boys, but that was
because of their sexual content and faux-evil
appearance, not due to softening it.
Fortunately, much of this is remedied in the
mockumentary, KISS Exposed.
Don’t get me wrong: This film is good for a laugh,
and is a must-see for even the most casual KISS
fan… the same way that “The Star Wars Holiday
Special” is a must-see for Lucas-devotees.
| Doctor Doom vs. Gene Simmons? Seems fair enough... |