 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
* * * * (1997, 86 minutes, Not Rated [network TV pilot])
Super "Friends"
I’m cheating a little bit, because this is a TV movie pilot and not a direct-to-release feature. In fact, I
reckon those involved with this production have buried all available copies along with our national
stockpile of E.T. Atari games, but this can still be seen on YouTube. God bless YouTube, because
without it, I never would have had the privilege of enjoying this train wreck of a film.
The premise seems simple enough: We follow the adventures and exploits of a team of
superheroes from DC Comics. Licensing rights take the Big Three off the table, but just about
anyone with a heartbeat will still recognize Green Lantern and the Flash. So even allowing for
special effects that were sub par by ‘90s standards, how could this go so wrong?
* * * * (1997, 86 minutes, Not Rated [network TV pilot])
Super "Friends"
I’m cheating a little bit, because this is a TV movie pilot and not a direct-to-release feature. In fact, I
reckon those involved with this production have buried all available copies along with our national
stockpile of E.T. Atari games, but this can still be seen on YouTube. God bless YouTube, because
without it, I never would have had the privilege of enjoying this train wreck of a film.
The premise seems simple enough: We follow the adventures and exploits of a team of
superheroes from DC Comics. Licensing rights take the Big Three off the table, but just about
anyone with a heartbeat will still recognize Green Lantern and the Flash. So even allowing for
special effects that were sub par by ‘90s standards, how could this go so wrong?
 |
That’s right: f’ing “Friends.”
Apparently some TV exec said, “Superheroes are
good, but that “Friends” show is all the rage… Why
not make the pilot more like that?” And SHAZAM!,
half of this movie is devoted to our heroes whining
about their love lives.
Personally, I blame Ross. First pet monkeys, then
my Rachel fantasies and now superhero movies…
Is there anything Ross Geller can’t ruin?
Apparently some TV exec said, “Superheroes are
good, but that “Friends” show is all the rage… Why
not make the pilot more like that?” And SHAZAM!,
half of this movie is devoted to our heroes whining
about their love lives.
Personally, I blame Ross. First pet monkeys, then
my Rachel fantasies and now superhero movies…
Is there anything Ross Geller can’t ruin?
| Shut up, Ross. |
As a result, the movie opens not with an action sequence or an origins montage but what looks
like an interview for a video singles ad. Tori is nervous, and admits to our extra-cheesy off-
camera interviewer that she’s never imagined herself as a superhero. Uh-oh.
Like gas cramps, these interview segments crop up far too often and usually at inopportune
times. They also successfully undermine the whole “secret identity” thing that’s not just the
bread and butter of the superhero genre but also a key element to a couple of the sub-plots in
this very film. Through these interviews, we meet the rest of the gang. They are:
like an interview for a video singles ad. Tori is nervous, and admits to our extra-cheesy off-
camera interviewer that she’s never imagined herself as a superhero. Uh-oh.
Like gas cramps, these interview segments crop up far too often and usually at inopportune
times. They also successfully undermine the whole “secret identity” thing that’s not just the
bread and butter of the superhero genre but also a key element to a couple of the sub-plots in
this very film. Through these interviews, we meet the rest of the gang. They are:
- Barry Allen, Unemployed/The Flash. In a blatant sign of disrespect, Barry Allen
is not a forensics scientist (before they were cool, I might add) but an
unemployable idiot frat boy. In other words, he’s the Joey of the group.
- Guy Gardner, Software Salesman/Green Lantern. Wow, they couldn’t even get
the good Green Lantern? Guy talks a lot about how “complex” his life is, though
we never see it. He does spend a healthy amount of time trying to impress his
girlfriends with romantic dinners and opera. Which is funny, because for the
Guy Gardner in the comics, a romantic night out is dinner at Arby's.
- B.B. Da Costa, Actress/Fire. Yes, this is a real DC character. I think she’s
supposed to be the sexy one because 1) she’s a girl and 2) she doesn’t have
Tori’s crushing lack of self-confidence. Her occupation is listed as “actress,” if
by “actress” you mean “singing fruit in a TV commercial.” Ho, ho! Wacky!
- Ray Palmer, Science Teacher/The Atom. The smart one. The lameness of
The Atom’s super shrinking powers matches the lameness of Palmer’s bow tie
and sweater vest sets. Ironically, it’s Palmer’s shrinking ability that gets the
best special effects of the film.
Together, they are the guardians of “New Metro, U.S.A.,” an entire city filled with idiots. For
example, when a “hurricane” hits the city, the heroes must rush out to save the John Q.
Simpletons who weren’t smart enough to get indoors during a hurricane and instead resumed
their afternoon of feeding ducks and working construction. It’s all very unimpressive, particularly
when The Atom shrinks down to coax an old lady’s cat out from under the porch.
The hurricane arrives complements of the villain of the story, The Weather Man. I’ll give you a
moment to finish snickering.
The Weather Man is trying to extort money out of New Metro by threatening the city with vaguely
inconvenient weather, and does so via the kind of cheap video productions you might see on
your public access station. Not to spoil anything, but fact that Tori works at the Eno Metrological
Institute for Dr. Eno, played by the awesome Miguel Ferrer, is just a coincidence.
example, when a “hurricane” hits the city, the heroes must rush out to save the John Q.
Simpletons who weren’t smart enough to get indoors during a hurricane and instead resumed
their afternoon of feeding ducks and working construction. It’s all very unimpressive, particularly
when The Atom shrinks down to coax an old lady’s cat out from under the porch.
The hurricane arrives complements of the villain of the story, The Weather Man. I’ll give you a
moment to finish snickering.
The Weather Man is trying to extort money out of New Metro by threatening the city with vaguely
inconvenient weather, and does so via the kind of cheap video productions you might see on
your public access station. Not to spoil anything, but fact that Tori works at the Eno Metrological
Institute for Dr. Eno, played by the awesome Miguel Ferrer, is just a coincidence.
Did I mention that the Martian Manhunter appears in the last 20 minutes of the film, played by
Major Charles Winchester III? Or that at one point, The Atom limbos under an infrared laser?
Do I even need to mention the blocky, unflattering costumes? Or that the Green Lantern -- one of
the most powerful heroes in the DC universe -- is reduced to making umbrellas?
I doubt it. Chances are, by now you’re already found the film on YouTube and cracked open a
40oz of malt liquor. Enjoy, true believers!
Major Charles Winchester III? Or that at one point, The Atom limbos under an infrared laser?
Do I even need to mention the blocky, unflattering costumes? Or that the Green Lantern -- one of
the most powerful heroes in the DC universe -- is reduced to making umbrellas?
I doubt it. Chances are, by now you’re already found the film on YouTube and cracked open a
40oz of malt liquor. Enjoy, true believers!
| Unresolved questions from the pilot include "Why is the guy who shrinks wearing the most body armor?" and "Why is the Green Lantern dressed in teal?" |
Looking for a second opinion? Check
out what our Friends of the 'Bin had
to say about this one...
BadMovies.org
Invasion of the B-Movies
out what our Friends of the 'Bin had
to say about this one...
BadMovies.org
Invasion of the B-Movies
| Dear Mr. Ferrer: It probably gets overshadowed by your cousin when you get together during the holidays, but you are an excellent actor. You were the best part of “Crossing Jordan” and you absolutely rocked in Traffic. I can’t imagine anyone other than you as Lloyd Henreid in The Stand. So please know that I mean this in the best way: I’m delighted this pilot bombed horribly. Because if anything else, you deserve better than “Miguel Ferrer, best known as The Weather Man on TV‘s ‘Justice League of America‘.” All the best, Nolahn |
| '10 Binnie Winner! |