BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
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ILLEGAL ALIENS
* (2007, 90 minutes, Rated R)
"They're here to save the world?" We're screwed.
By TonyD. February 8, 2007. That was the day that Anna Nicole Smith passed away, and also the day that
all the madness began. While we were all asking who was the baby's daddy, MTI put out Anna Nicole Smith's
last film, and only the most hardcore of Smith's fans were drawn into this porno that wasn't porn.
That film was called Illegal Aliens and ladies and germs, I will NEVER, EVER be the same.
I guess after Smith's death, someone said, "HEY! LOOK AT ALL OF THE PRESS! You know that shitty film
that Anna Nicole filmed? Yeah, that one? Well we should distribute it. It will make tons of money. We can
finally be considered as a serious studio." *Buzzer* Wrong answer, fucko. I don't think you guys have been
making shit from this movie.
In 1990, aliens come from Earth, and something about aliens that I NEVER KNEW BEFORE is that they can
take the form of someone else. Three of those aliens, Blandy (Lenise Soren), Lesby (Gladys Jimenez), and
Cinderblock (Anna Nicole Smith) -- because it's obvious that a cinderblock fell on her head -- choose to be hot
chicks, because according to the guy in the video played at the beginning of this film, hot chicks have it easy.
They live in Los Angeles, and become special effects stunt experts that work in Hollywood.
The real names of the characters are all named after the stars of the shitty McG mess, Charlie's Angels. But I
won't name them. That's exactly what THE MAN wants me to do. I'm going to stick this review up The Man's
ass after I'm done with it.
Syntax, their holographic monitor, is basically the Charlie of the Angels. It instructs the girls to go to New York
and fight crime -- specifically the evil alien Rex (played by Chyna… yes THAT Chyna), who has taken over a
tough woman's body. His/her/its objective: build a mega-gravitron that crashes the moon into planet Earth.
It's up to these three hot chicks to try and save us. We're so screwed.
Illegal Aliens is not only one of the dumbest movies that I've ever seen, it's one of the dumbest movies that I've
seen that knows that it is dumb but doesn't use it as an advantage. The film is faker than Smith's tits. You
could say that it is a spoof of b-movies, but it turns out to be a b-movie itself. Hell, I don't even remember a
time where B-movies were THIS bad, let alone with a star like Anna Nicole.
HEY! SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! LET'S TALK ABOUT ANNA NICOLE SMITH!
Wait a second, where in the hell do I begin?
* (2007, 90 minutes, Rated R)
"They're here to save the world?" We're screwed.
By TonyD. February 8, 2007. That was the day that Anna Nicole Smith passed away, and also the day that
all the madness began. While we were all asking who was the baby's daddy, MTI put out Anna Nicole Smith's
last film, and only the most hardcore of Smith's fans were drawn into this porno that wasn't porn.
That film was called Illegal Aliens and ladies and germs, I will NEVER, EVER be the same.
I guess after Smith's death, someone said, "HEY! LOOK AT ALL OF THE PRESS! You know that shitty film
that Anna Nicole filmed? Yeah, that one? Well we should distribute it. It will make tons of money. We can
finally be considered as a serious studio." *Buzzer* Wrong answer, fucko. I don't think you guys have been
making shit from this movie.
In 1990, aliens come from Earth, and something about aliens that I NEVER KNEW BEFORE is that they can
take the form of someone else. Three of those aliens, Blandy (Lenise Soren), Lesby (Gladys Jimenez), and
Cinderblock (Anna Nicole Smith) -- because it's obvious that a cinderblock fell on her head -- choose to be hot
chicks, because according to the guy in the video played at the beginning of this film, hot chicks have it easy.
They live in Los Angeles, and become special effects stunt experts that work in Hollywood.
The real names of the characters are all named after the stars of the shitty McG mess, Charlie's Angels. But I
won't name them. That's exactly what THE MAN wants me to do. I'm going to stick this review up The Man's
ass after I'm done with it.
Syntax, their holographic monitor, is basically the Charlie of the Angels. It instructs the girls to go to New York
and fight crime -- specifically the evil alien Rex (played by Chyna… yes THAT Chyna), who has taken over a
tough woman's body. His/her/its objective: build a mega-gravitron that crashes the moon into planet Earth.
It's up to these three hot chicks to try and save us. We're so screwed.
Illegal Aliens is not only one of the dumbest movies that I've ever seen, it's one of the dumbest movies that I've
seen that knows that it is dumb but doesn't use it as an advantage. The film is faker than Smith's tits. You
could say that it is a spoof of b-movies, but it turns out to be a b-movie itself. Hell, I don't even remember a
time where B-movies were THIS bad, let alone with a star like Anna Nicole.
HEY! SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! LET'S TALK ABOUT ANNA NICOLE SMITH!
Wait a second, where in the hell do I begin?
Let's begin here: Anna Nicole Smith plays a character named
"Cinderblock." I don't know if we were supposed to take her
character seriously, as a ditzy blonde or as a runner-up in the Special
Olympics. Within the ENTIRE film, Anna Nicole sticks a dildo in her
ear, has to take a big shit and spins around in a chair so she can get
dizzy. Yes, you read that right. Yeah, well, Anna Nicole's character
doesn't know what a dildo is, so it clearly isn't a biopic of her life. It's
funny… but not in the same way that the movie wants it to be.
Instead of laughing at Anna Nicole's antics on screen, I was laughing
at the thought if Anna Nicole was still alive and this was released,
with all of the embarrassment that this film offers her.
I'm not one to be like, "Oh god, this movie is sooo fucking
misogynistic,"... But oh god, this movie is sooo fucking misogynistic.
As well as Anna Nicole Smith acting like a two year old, she plays a
blonde who obviously can't tell if Chicken of the Sea is chicken or
fish. She talks like a little girl, wears skimpy outfits that make her look
like a whore and is REALLY fucking immature. The other girls aren't
as bad, but they still can't find their way out of a paper bag without
instructions, and I still doubt those would help them.
"Cinderblock." I don't know if we were supposed to take her
character seriously, as a ditzy blonde or as a runner-up in the Special
Olympics. Within the ENTIRE film, Anna Nicole sticks a dildo in her
ear, has to take a big shit and spins around in a chair so she can get
dizzy. Yes, you read that right. Yeah, well, Anna Nicole's character
doesn't know what a dildo is, so it clearly isn't a biopic of her life. It's
funny… but not in the same way that the movie wants it to be.
Instead of laughing at Anna Nicole's antics on screen, I was laughing
at the thought if Anna Nicole was still alive and this was released,
with all of the embarrassment that this film offers her.
I'm not one to be like, "Oh god, this movie is sooo fucking
misogynistic,"... But oh god, this movie is sooo fucking misogynistic.
As well as Anna Nicole Smith acting like a two year old, she plays a
blonde who obviously can't tell if Chicken of the Sea is chicken or
fish. She talks like a little girl, wears skimpy outfits that make her look
like a whore and is REALLY fucking immature. The other girls aren't
as bad, but they still can't find their way out of a paper bag without
instructions, and I still doubt those would help them.
There is a scene where Smith wakes up and tells the two girls her dream. She says, "Hey Cameron, I had the
weirdest dream. YOU were dating Justin Timberlake. And Drew, I had a dream that you were just running
around, screaming 'E.T.! E.T.!' And the weirdest thing is… I dreamed that I was Chinese. And I don't even like
rice." Did I happen to mention that the film takes place in 1990? Why, yes, it does. Because in 1990, Justin
Timberlake was supposedly a hit, people used the Internet and cell-phones were a way to call people when
they weren't at home. What a good job you guys have done with trying to keep up with the times.
The action scenes steal from films and historical events like Dane Cook steals jokes from other comedians.
A good percentage of the film, like I said, is fake. They use clips from events in World War II, the Tsunami
back in 2004 and a couple of films. They EVEN use a few fake clips of planes flying. Are they really THAT
desperate to impress us that they know history and film?
And I'm going to do something that I would never ever think that I would never ever do, but I'm going to
acclaim someone who is called the worst director in the world. Back from the Cadillac days, Ed Wood
directed these type of b-movies, like Plan 9 from Outer Space and Glen or Glenda. At least I can show
respect to him for changing movie history. Everyone involved here I can't even look at with a straight face,
without saying, "Ha… ha-ha… ha-ha-ha… YOU were in Illegal Aliens."
I read one review that said turn off your brain and have fun. I shouldn't be stupid to watch a movie, and
neither should you. That's Anna Nicole's job. If it's these three that would really have to save the Earth one
day, well, I guess we might as well go into a fetal position and kiss our corn-shooters goodbye.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco) is better known as the Hardcore Film Maniac. He writes for eight sites:
FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com, Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com,
FirstShowing.net and this one. Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big
Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at
BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
weirdest dream. YOU were dating Justin Timberlake. And Drew, I had a dream that you were just running
around, screaming 'E.T.! E.T.!' And the weirdest thing is… I dreamed that I was Chinese. And I don't even like
rice." Did I happen to mention that the film takes place in 1990? Why, yes, it does. Because in 1990, Justin
Timberlake was supposedly a hit, people used the Internet and cell-phones were a way to call people when
they weren't at home. What a good job you guys have done with trying to keep up with the times.
The action scenes steal from films and historical events like Dane Cook steals jokes from other comedians.
A good percentage of the film, like I said, is fake. They use clips from events in World War II, the Tsunami
back in 2004 and a couple of films. They EVEN use a few fake clips of planes flying. Are they really THAT
desperate to impress us that they know history and film?
And I'm going to do something that I would never ever think that I would never ever do, but I'm going to
acclaim someone who is called the worst director in the world. Back from the Cadillac days, Ed Wood
directed these type of b-movies, like Plan 9 from Outer Space and Glen or Glenda. At least I can show
respect to him for changing movie history. Everyone involved here I can't even look at with a straight face,
without saying, "Ha… ha-ha… ha-ha-ha… YOU were in Illegal Aliens."
I read one review that said turn off your brain and have fun. I shouldn't be stupid to watch a movie, and
neither should you. That's Anna Nicole's job. If it's these three that would really have to save the Earth one
day, well, I guess we might as well go into a fetal position and kiss our corn-shooters goodbye.
TonyD (Tony DeFrancisco) is better known as the Hardcore Film Maniac. He writes for eight sites:
FilmFanatix.com, GeeksOfDoom.com, Horror-101.com, MovieBuffs.com, Fatally-Yours.com, WikPik.com,
FirstShowing.net and this one. Just a few of his favorite films are Sin City, Boondock Saints, The Big
Lebowski, Psycho, and Fight Club. If you want to request for a review, message TonyD at
BoondockSaint048@yahoo.com or BoondockSaint048@aol.com and he'll see what he can do.
| Sorry excuse for us to put up some classic Anna Nicole Smith cheesecake? Guilty as charged! |
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