HELL ASYLUM
* (2002, 72 minutes, Rated R)
Hell is sitting through this movie.
Ah, reality TV... One of those wonderful trends of the new millennium, along with Harry Potter,
waterboarding and text messaging slang (IMHO). Like anything else, some reality shows are
amazing, and some amazingly banal. It was just a matter of time before reality TV saturated it's
way into our culture to become the subject of films. Again, some are excellent. And some are
this film.
The premise is mind-numbingly simple: A reality show challenges contestants to spend the
night in a haunted house... that turns out to be really haunted. As we learn in the interminably
long opening scene where the show is being pitched, the big hook of the ridiculously titled "Chill
Challenge" is that all the contestants are hot chics. Because there's a shortage of attractive
women on TV, I guess.
Do you like watching lovely ladies being interviewed about what scares them? Hope so, cuz that
takes up nearly a quarter of the film and consists of our "introduction" to the main characters.
Fortunately, in proud reality TV fashion, they fall into cookie-cutter categories:
* (2002, 72 minutes, Rated R)
Hell is sitting through this movie.
Ah, reality TV... One of those wonderful trends of the new millennium, along with Harry Potter,
waterboarding and text messaging slang (IMHO). Like anything else, some reality shows are
amazing, and some amazingly banal. It was just a matter of time before reality TV saturated it's
way into our culture to become the subject of films. Again, some are excellent. And some are
this film.
The premise is mind-numbingly simple: A reality show challenges contestants to spend the
night in a haunted house... that turns out to be really haunted. As we learn in the interminably
long opening scene where the show is being pitched, the big hook of the ridiculously titled "Chill
Challenge" is that all the contestants are hot chics. Because there's a shortage of attractive
women on TV, I guess.
Do you like watching lovely ladies being interviewed about what scares them? Hope so, cuz that
takes up nearly a quarter of the film and consists of our "introduction" to the main characters.
Fortunately, in proud reality TV fashion, they fall into cookie-cutter categories:
- The All-American Girl-Next-Door
- The Goth Chic
- The Horny Hottie
- The Over-Achiever
- The Bitch
The ladies are brought into the strangely office-looking
house, given those headsets with the cameras on 'em that
are all the rage these days and sent off to stumble around
in the dark (The house is dark! The toilet is dirty! Scary!)
fulfilling pointless tasks. Just like on reality TV! Except
every now and then, someone dressed up in Abu
Ghraib-wear pops up and slaughters people with very loud
music.
Along the way, we're treated to what is meant to be
commentary on reality TV that can be summed up as "It
sucks." Anyone who has ever sat through an entire episode
of Big Brother would agree, but how's this for sucking: I had
to force myself to sit through a 72-minute film. Because
worse than the acting, the dialog, the editing, any of the stuff
one might complain about? This movie is BORING.
Me? I'd rather sit through a Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
marathon.
house, given those headsets with the cameras on 'em that
are all the rage these days and sent off to stumble around
in the dark (The house is dark! The toilet is dirty! Scary!)
fulfilling pointless tasks. Just like on reality TV! Except
every now and then, someone dressed up in Abu
Ghraib-wear pops up and slaughters people with very loud
music.
Along the way, we're treated to what is meant to be
commentary on reality TV that can be summed up as "It
sucks." Anyone who has ever sat through an entire episode
of Big Brother would agree, but how's this for sucking: I had
to force myself to sit through a 72-minute film. Because
worse than the acting, the dialog, the editing, any of the stuff
one might complain about? This movie is BORING.
Me? I'd rather sit through a Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
marathon.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
