BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
HAWK THE SLAYER
* * * * (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG)
Roll a d20 to save vs. cheese.
"This is the story of Heroic Deeds
and the bitter struggle for the triumph
of Good over Evil and of
a wondrous Sword wielded by
a might Hero when the
Legions of Darkness stalk the land."
I think you know I didn't make that up. That would be the opening prologue, copied word for
word by your intrepid reviewer as it was displayed during the opening moments of Hawk the
Slayer. This opening is also narrated in a style that might have single-handedly inspired the
creation of Tenacious D.
Oh yes, it's like that. Get out your magic staff and ring of protection +1, and dig in.
We open with an old king getting skewered by his son, Voltan. Despite being run through with a
sword, the king hangs on long enough to talk his younger son, Hawk, through an elaborate ritual
to gain ownership of the very large Mind Sword. Hawk swears to get revenge on Voltan. Okay, a
few things to note here:
1. Aren't you kind of dooming your kid to a life of evil by naming him "Voltan"?
2. Hawk is played by John "Dr. Shephard on Lost" Terry
3. Voltan is played by Jack "Watch me do one-handed push-ups" Palance!
4. Despite the fact that the king is very clearly the father of both Voltan and Hawk, neither are
referred to as princes at any point during the movie. Perhaps princes hadn't been invented yet?
5. The Mind Sword has a big fist at the end of its hilt. Insert your own crude joke here.
From there, we're off to the cheapest opening credits ever. Cheaper than in Napoleon
Dynamite? Probably. The animation looks like something a stoner made during study hall, and
it's all accompanied by what I can only describe as "electric flute."
After that bit of specialness, a beat-up one-handed warrior stumbles into a convent. He reports
that since killing the king, Voltan has been running about with his army hacking up everyone in
sight. Apparently looking to do something even more eeeeeevil, Voltan shows up to kidnap the
Abbess of the convent and demand all the gold in the convent for her release (because convents
were the Dark Ages version of government mints?). Capt. One Hand trudges off to the one man
who can save the Abbess -- conveniently enough, that's Hawk.
Oh, and just in case the murder of his father, the ransacking of the kingdom and the kidnapping
of the Abbess (for money!) wasn't enough motivation for Hawk, we also find out that Voltan killed
Hawk's wife. Yes, Voltan is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!!
Anyway, we're treated to numerous montages of Hawk riding his horse through brooks and dry
ice-infested forests, Fisty Sword in hand, as he travels about collecting a standard assortment of
fantasy types: the witchy woman who sounds like she smokes three packs a day, the dim-witted
giant who really likes to eat, the stoic elven archer with pointy plastic ears and the comic-relief
dwarf. Many of these characters Hawk gathers via the witchy woman's Glowing Hula-Hoops of
Teleportation. Because this is exactly that kind of movie.
* * * * (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG)
Roll a d20 to save vs. cheese.
"This is the story of Heroic Deeds
and the bitter struggle for the triumph
of Good over Evil and of
a wondrous Sword wielded by
a might Hero when the
Legions of Darkness stalk the land."
I think you know I didn't make that up. That would be the opening prologue, copied word for
word by your intrepid reviewer as it was displayed during the opening moments of Hawk the
Slayer. This opening is also narrated in a style that might have single-handedly inspired the
creation of Tenacious D.
Oh yes, it's like that. Get out your magic staff and ring of protection +1, and dig in.
We open with an old king getting skewered by his son, Voltan. Despite being run through with a
sword, the king hangs on long enough to talk his younger son, Hawk, through an elaborate ritual
to gain ownership of the very large Mind Sword. Hawk swears to get revenge on Voltan. Okay, a
few things to note here:
1. Aren't you kind of dooming your kid to a life of evil by naming him "Voltan"?
2. Hawk is played by John "Dr. Shephard on Lost" Terry
3. Voltan is played by Jack "Watch me do one-handed push-ups" Palance!
4. Despite the fact that the king is very clearly the father of both Voltan and Hawk, neither are
referred to as princes at any point during the movie. Perhaps princes hadn't been invented yet?
5. The Mind Sword has a big fist at the end of its hilt. Insert your own crude joke here.
From there, we're off to the cheapest opening credits ever. Cheaper than in Napoleon
Dynamite? Probably. The animation looks like something a stoner made during study hall, and
it's all accompanied by what I can only describe as "electric flute."
After that bit of specialness, a beat-up one-handed warrior stumbles into a convent. He reports
that since killing the king, Voltan has been running about with his army hacking up everyone in
sight. Apparently looking to do something even more eeeeeevil, Voltan shows up to kidnap the
Abbess of the convent and demand all the gold in the convent for her release (because convents
were the Dark Ages version of government mints?). Capt. One Hand trudges off to the one man
who can save the Abbess -- conveniently enough, that's Hawk.
Oh, and just in case the murder of his father, the ransacking of the kingdom and the kidnapping
of the Abbess (for money!) wasn't enough motivation for Hawk, we also find out that Voltan killed
Hawk's wife. Yes, Voltan is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!!
Anyway, we're treated to numerous montages of Hawk riding his horse through brooks and dry
ice-infested forests, Fisty Sword in hand, as he travels about collecting a standard assortment of
fantasy types: the witchy woman who sounds like she smokes three packs a day, the dim-witted
giant who really likes to eat, the stoic elven archer with pointy plastic ears and the comic-relief
dwarf. Many of these characters Hawk gathers via the witchy woman's Glowing Hula-Hoops of
Teleportation. Because this is exactly that kind of movie.
Actually, this film seems to have a little bit of everything
going on. The lifts from Star Wars are evident in the
DVD's cover: Hawk is kinda dressed like "classic" Han
Solo, Voltan has the whole all-black/big helmet thing
going and Hawk can make his Fisty Sword fly around
with his mind. Again, insert your own crude joke here.
But there's also a whole Spaghetti Western thing going
on here, too. Most of the fight scenes play out just like
this: some random baddies are doing something evil,
the electric flute gets all The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
and Hawk appears, posing awkwardly with his Fisty
Sword. Seriously, Hawk holds his Fisty Sword the exact
same way that a new Miss America holds her bouquet
while being crowned. Hawk talks tough, then everyone
stares at each other for a good minute or two. Then
Hawk kills everybody.
So, are you sold on this one yet? If not, here's my
closing pitch: Come to see Jack Palance chew scenery
like it's part of a well-balanced diet. Be charmed by the
clumsy plotting and corny dialog. But stay for the
M A G I C !
going on. The lifts from Star Wars are evident in the
DVD's cover: Hawk is kinda dressed like "classic" Han
Solo, Voltan has the whole all-black/big helmet thing
going and Hawk can make his Fisty Sword fly around
with his mind. Again, insert your own crude joke here.
But there's also a whole Spaghetti Western thing going
on here, too. Most of the fight scenes play out just like
this: some random baddies are doing something evil,
the electric flute gets all The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
and Hawk appears, posing awkwardly with his Fisty
Sword. Seriously, Hawk holds his Fisty Sword the exact
same way that a new Miss America holds her bouquet
while being crowned. Hawk talks tough, then everyone
stares at each other for a good minute or two. Then
Hawk kills everybody.
So, are you sold on this one yet? If not, here's my
closing pitch: Come to see Jack Palance chew scenery
like it's part of a well-balanced diet. Be charmed by the
clumsy plotting and corny dialog. But stay for the
M A G I C !
You've already heard about the flying Fisty Sword and the Glowing Hula-Hoops of
Teleportation, but I haven't mentioned the Confetti of Confusion, the Florescent Super Balls of
Fear, or my favorite, the Day-Glo Green Silly String of Immobilization. The stop-action speed
fighting (best used in the Most Menacing Slicing of Bread Ever) is just icing on the cake.
Looking for a second opinion? Check out what Andrew had to say
at Badmovies.org. Or stay right here and enjoy this spoiller-filled
highlight clip:
Teleportation, but I haven't mentioned the Confetti of Confusion, the Florescent Super Balls of
Fear, or my favorite, the Day-Glo Green Silly String of Immobilization. The stop-action speed
fighting (best used in the Most Menacing Slicing of Bread Ever) is just icing on the cake.
Looking for a second opinion? Check out what Andrew had to say
at Badmovies.org. Or stay right here and enjoy this spoiller-filled
highlight clip:
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| COMMENTS Have something to add? Tell us about it here. Wannah says: GREAT!!! haha. Did you love that movie, or what? Nolahn says: Are you kidding? This one will be high up on my Christmas list next year. (thanks for the recommendation) Dan says: Love this movie, it's hilarious and terrible. Got a copy from Hen's Tooth Video for cheap. Nolahn says: I thank you, and I'm sure the folks at Hen's Tooth Video thank you for the plug. |