It's quickly obvious when the DVD opens with a
message from THE Andy Sidaris (who looks nothing
like Gollum) and Julie Stain. Ms. Stain is wearing too
much lipstick, too much black hair dye, and little else.
The two pimp out the movie hard, which is kinda
stupid because I already have the movie in my DVD
Hard Ticket to Hawaii is the story of an unspecified
"agent" and her friend (Playmates Dona Speir and
Hope Marie Carlton) who are sent to Hawaii
undercover for... uh, some reason. They stumble
upon a diamond smuggling ring while coming up
with various excuses to take their tops off. Also,
there's a mutant snake on the loose.
|Andy "Gollum" Serkis is not involved
with this picture. Also, he should've
gotten a Best Supporting Actor nom
for his work as Gollum. Just sayin'.
We're first introduced to the mutant snake after the strangely entertaining credit sequence. The
opening credits run on the side of crates in a busy warehouse. It was unexpectedly fun and
actually got me to read the credits, so there's something. When the credits end, there's a labored
forklift accident that breaks the straps to a crate labeled "CAUTION! LIVE SNAKE!" And by "live
snake," we mean "rubber snake puppet." But never mind, because "It's contaminated!"
Unfortunately, the mutant snake is but a mere supporting player in this film. The first half of the
film tries very hard to capture the same sexy, adventurous spirit of Romancing the Stone, and
fails. Oh sure, there are a few nice moments, like when the girls are surprised by smugglers and
retaliate by hurling throwing stars at them, or when the girls decide that the best place to examine
evidence is in a hot tub. Otherwise, the first half of the film is as exciting as a stack of rice cakes.
|Amazingly, "C.S.I.: Miami" has yet to
have its investigators examine
evidence in a hot tub.
Even the scenes of romantic frolicking on the beach --
always accompanied by Muzak and toplessness --
can't help the first half of the film. It did strike me odd
that despite all the gratuitous nudity, the sex scenes
are extremely tame.
Something magical happens around the halfway
point of the film: It gets wacky.
Really, really, really wacky.
Realizing that they’re going to need some help, the
girls call in their guy friends: one a boyfriend and
fellow non-specified “agent,” the other a Karate Guy
with the ponytail to prove it. As they head over in their
jeep, they have the following conversation:
It gets better: The smugglers have been tipped off to the arrival of the Secret Agent Guys and set
the world's most inane trap.
First, the smugglers send their Skateboard Man to skate past the guy’s jeep. While doing a
handstand. No, I don’t know why either. “That guy must have smoked some major doobage,”
Agent BF notes.
Then Skateboard Man meets up with his cohorts, who give him a shotgun and an inflated blow-
Kung-Fu Ponytail: My first wife used to mow the lawn naked.
Agent BF: What did your neighbor say?
Kung-Fu Ponytail: He thought I married her for her money!
Agent BF: Ha ha ha ha!... Did you?
|A blow-up doll (above) is
an essential piece of
equipment for any
up doll. Yes, really. Skateboard Man teleports back up the hill
so he can skate past the guys jeep again, this time while hiding
his shotgun behind the blow-up doll.
Once he’s close enough, Skateboard Man takes a shot,
winging Kung-Fu Ponytail. After making sure Kung-Fu Ponytail
is okay, Agent BF slams the jeep in reverse. Fortunately for our
Secret Agent Guys, Skateboard Man has not fled the scene,
opting in stead to do 360s in the middle of the road. The jeep
slams into Skateboard Man, popping him up into the air, video
Skateboard Man pops up up up into the air, giving Agent BF
enough time to reach into the back of his jeep, pull out a freakin’
rocket launcher, and shoot Skateboard Man out of the sky.
And then, just for good measure, Agent BF shoots the blow-up
When the smugglers kidnap their friend, our non-specified agents leap into action… after an
evening of vodka and nookie. But the next morning, they’re all business.
The first part of their incredibly elaborate rescue plan is to take out the one guard patrolling the
beach. Here is a reenactment from FunnyOrDie.com.
Here’s the amazing thing: That was a shot-by-shot reenactment of the scene – it plays out exactly
like that, dialogue and all.
Things blow up real good, though our non-specified agents totally forget to apprehend the head
smuggler before leaving. That comes back to haunt the agents… as does the rubber snake
So if you can make it through the first half of the movie is, then let the good times roll cuz the
second half is cheesetastic.