HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY
* * * * (2005, 92 minutes, Rated R)
Half man. Half shark. All cheese!
A picture of the title character tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this
movie:
* * * * (2005, 92 minutes, Rated R)
Half man. Half shark. All cheese!
A picture of the title character tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this
movie:
Yeah, it's like that.
After opening with Random Sexy Couple getting ripped apart in a confusingly shot feeding
frenzy (a federal mandate for any shark-themed film) -- we're off to Corporation Co., Inc. --
where all the biologists look like models with bad plastic surgery and the men say things like
"We're in it to win it!" -- for some exposition. Looks like Corp. Co., Inc. owns the rights to some
obscure Mad Scientist who seems to have stumbled onto something, so it's a company field trip
to go learn about the research. Our away team consists of the biologist, Bad Surgery Barbie
(Hunter Tylo), her boyfriend William Forsythe and a bunch of cannon fodder, and...
Can we hold up for a second here? Cuz this deserves special attention: "her boyfriend William
Forsythe." Yes, the tough guy, that guy -- the guy who played Flattop in Dick Tracy. Know what's
even better? He essentially played himself. I mean, yeah, he's "the IT guy"... who, in some
scene apparently left on the cutting room floor, was once a Navy SEAL who taught MacGuyver
everything he knows. Awesome.
Anyway, they all head to an "Uncharted Island, Western Pacific" -- you know, the kind that's all
the rage of late -- to meet up with our Mad Scientist. You'll like this: our Mad Scientist is played
by Jeffrey Combs of Re-Animator and Star Trek fame. You'll like this even better: Combs
channels John Waters for this role. An evil John Waters! Cheesetastic!
Turns out Evil John Waters is a "stem cell guru" who has "repurposed stem cells with shark
DNA" in order to combine the "superior strength of the hammerhead shark with the intelligence
of man." I can only assume this film heavily influenced Dubya's stance on stem cell research.
After opening with Random Sexy Couple getting ripped apart in a confusingly shot feeding
frenzy (a federal mandate for any shark-themed film) -- we're off to Corporation Co., Inc. --
where all the biologists look like models with bad plastic surgery and the men say things like
"We're in it to win it!" -- for some exposition. Looks like Corp. Co., Inc. owns the rights to some
obscure Mad Scientist who seems to have stumbled onto something, so it's a company field trip
to go learn about the research. Our away team consists of the biologist, Bad Surgery Barbie
(Hunter Tylo), her boyfriend William Forsythe and a bunch of cannon fodder, and...
Can we hold up for a second here? Cuz this deserves special attention: "her boyfriend William
Forsythe." Yes, the tough guy, that guy -- the guy who played Flattop in Dick Tracy. Know what's
even better? He essentially played himself. I mean, yeah, he's "the IT guy"... who, in some
scene apparently left on the cutting room floor, was once a Navy SEAL who taught MacGuyver
everything he knows. Awesome.
Anyway, they all head to an "Uncharted Island, Western Pacific" -- you know, the kind that's all
the rage of late -- to meet up with our Mad Scientist. You'll like this: our Mad Scientist is played
by Jeffrey Combs of Re-Animator and Star Trek fame. You'll like this even better: Combs
channels John Waters for this role. An evil John Waters! Cheesetastic!
Turns out Evil John Waters is a "stem cell guru" who has "repurposed stem cells with shark
DNA" in order to combine the "superior strength of the hammerhead shark with the intelligence
of man." I can only assume this film heavily influenced Dubya's stance on stem cell research.
Sorry, wrong Hammerhead. Let's try that again:
Before you know it, our white collar snack pack is on the run
from Hammerhead and Evil John Waters' private army (he
clearly found them in the same catalog Dr. Evil uses). And
really, you can pretty much guess the rest:
Oh, and did I mention that Evil John Waters has been giving
Hammerhead drugged up ladies in the best lingerie 1932
had to offer in the hopes that they'll reproduce? Don't worry,
Hammerhead is more interested in eating via bad camera
work and claymation-esque special effects. The film isn't
anywhere near that sick.
from Hammerhead and Evil John Waters' private army (he
clearly found them in the same catalog Dr. Evil uses). And
really, you can pretty much guess the rest:
- Hammerhead is literally everywhere
- All explosions are absolutely enormous
- William Forsythe is way too cool to take cover during
gunfights - All the best effects, like missing limbs and Hunter
Tylo's chest, get plenty of close-ups
Oh, and did I mention that Evil John Waters has been giving
Hammerhead drugged up ladies in the best lingerie 1932
had to offer in the hopes that they'll reproduce? Don't worry,
Hammerhead is more interested in eating via bad camera
work and claymation-esque special effects. The film isn't
anywhere near that sick.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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