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H. G. WELL'S WAR OF THE WORLDS
* * * (2005, 93 minutes, Rated R)
All's Well(ish)
I imagine that when the braniacs running The Asylum sit down to figure out what blockbusters they
‘re going to imitate, it’s a pretty simple process. The primary determining factor, I reckon, isn’t so
much how big the blockbuster may be but who owns the original source material. Which is why
seeing The Asylum roll out knock-offs of Thor and Sherlock Holmes wasn’t too surprising -- those
are public domain entities at this point, so there’s no fear of being sued into the stone age.
* * * (2005, 93 minutes, Rated R)
All's Well(ish)
I imagine that when the braniacs running The Asylum sit down to figure out what blockbusters they
‘re going to imitate, it’s a pretty simple process. The primary determining factor, I reckon, isn’t so
much how big the blockbuster may be but who owns the original source material. Which is why
seeing The Asylum roll out knock-offs of Thor and Sherlock Holmes wasn’t too surprising -- those
are public domain entities at this point, so there’s no fear of being sued into the stone age.
 |
You can add War of the Worlds to that list.
You might know the basic story from its famed radio show or the classic George Pal film (or, if
you're geeky and old like me, the unappreciated 1988 TV series), but H.G. Wells’story actually
dates back to 1898. So when Steven Spielberg rolled out his stale donut of a remake in 2005, a
mock buster was all but guaranteed.
The good news is that this version of War of the Worlds actually plays it pretty closely to the original
novel. The bad news is that it’s still a film by The Asylum.
The film opens with The Asylum’s star utility man, C. Thomas Howell, talking with his freshly
showered and very naked wife. While I question whether or not H.G. Wells would have included a
shower scene, the film is already much better than The Da Vinci Treasure. We learn that today is
the 10th anniversary of CTH and his freshly showered wife, and that their son isn’t smart enough
to know that stargazing works best at night.
Fortunately, the kid just so happens to see a meteor shoot by, prompting CTH to blow off the Big
Anniversary Plans and rush into the office. “I don’t love my work more than you guys!” he whines in
a particularly anvilarious moment, just before his freshly showered and agitated wife and idiot son
drive off until the last scene (oops - uh, spoiler?).
CTH drives until nightfall, and then randomly parks his car so he can get a good look at the meteor
landing just yonder. Huh, nice timing. He shows up at the crash site, where about 40 people are
already milling around. “Smells like ass,” one woman notes, in what might be the best
commentary about a film by The Asylum ever.
You might know the basic story from its famed radio show or the classic George Pal film (or, if
you're geeky and old like me, the unappreciated 1988 TV series), but H.G. Wells’story actually
dates back to 1898. So when Steven Spielberg rolled out his stale donut of a remake in 2005, a
mock buster was all but guaranteed.
The good news is that this version of War of the Worlds actually plays it pretty closely to the original
novel. The bad news is that it’s still a film by The Asylum.
The film opens with The Asylum’s star utility man, C. Thomas Howell, talking with his freshly
showered and very naked wife. While I question whether or not H.G. Wells would have included a
shower scene, the film is already much better than The Da Vinci Treasure. We learn that today is
the 10th anniversary of CTH and his freshly showered wife, and that their son isn’t smart enough
to know that stargazing works best at night.
Fortunately, the kid just so happens to see a meteor shoot by, prompting CTH to blow off the Big
Anniversary Plans and rush into the office. “I don’t love my work more than you guys!” he whines in
a particularly anvilarious moment, just before his freshly showered and agitated wife and idiot son
drive off until the last scene (oops - uh, spoiler?).
CTH drives until nightfall, and then randomly parks his car so he can get a good look at the meteor
landing just yonder. Huh, nice timing. He shows up at the crash site, where about 40 people are
already milling around. “Smells like ass,” one woman notes, in what might be the best
commentary about a film by The Asylum ever.
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| Here are some other public domain entities, probably to star in a terrible mockbuster from The Asylum soon... maybe all in the same movie! |
| At least the Spielberg version got the tripods right. |
Then something horrible
emerges from the crater. I
think. It’s near impossible to
see what’s going on in this very
critical scene because the
lighting is so bad, but it
appears to involve a giant CGI
spider. Whatever it is, it
certainly has far more legs than
your traditional Tripod, as
featured in every other
adaptation of H.G. Wells’ book.
Traumatized, CTH is back
home within seconds, making
emerges from the crater. I
think. It’s near impossible to
see what’s going on in this very
critical scene because the
lighting is so bad, but it
appears to involve a giant CGI
spider. Whatever it is, it
certainly has far more legs than
your traditional Tripod, as
featured in every other
adaptation of H.G. Wells’ book.
Traumatized, CTH is back
home within seconds, making
panicky calls to his wife to “stay in D.C.” and “meet me on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.”
Dude, it’s the middle of the night -- how ‘bout just meeting at her hotel?
CTH quickly packs a bag, and then -- for reasons never explained -- heads out for D.C. on foot.
The rest of the film centers on CTH’s quest to find his wife and kid, and for what it’s worth, that
plays very closely to the source material. I guess it’s good to know that someone at The Asylum
might have actually read the book. Or at least the Cliff Notes. Along the way, CTH meets up with a
wayward soldier, Jake Busey and a pastor in the midst of the world’s most slow-moving spiritual
crisis. All are on hand to provide some capital-A Acting, except for Jake Busey, who is only asked
to Busey up the place.
Dude, it’s the middle of the night -- how ‘bout just meeting at her hotel?
CTH quickly packs a bag, and then -- for reasons never explained -- heads out for D.C. on foot.
The rest of the film centers on CTH’s quest to find his wife and kid, and for what it’s worth, that
plays very closely to the source material. I guess it’s good to know that someone at The Asylum
might have actually read the book. Or at least the Cliff Notes. Along the way, CTH meets up with a
wayward soldier, Jake Busey and a pastor in the midst of the world’s most slow-moving spiritual
crisis. All are on hand to provide some capital-A Acting, except for Jake Busey, who is only asked
to Busey up the place.
| Fun Fact: It is physically impossible for Jake Busey to completely close his mouth. |
The supporting characters all magically appear and
disappear from the story as needed, and fortunately the
pastor is the only one who will make you want to punch
yourself in the groin until you lose consciousness. The
pastor spends nearly the entire final third of the film
becoming increasingly annoying, asking such rhetorical
questions as “Is this The Rapture?” and “What if running
away in terror from the giant killing machines is not what God
wants me to do?”, which seems like all the wrong questions
one should be asking during an alien invasion.
If it’s action, adventure or excitement you’re looking for, you
won’t find it in The Asylum’s War of the Worlds. This is a
grim, slow-moving survival drama about how a man carries
on in the face of insurmountable odds to find his loved ones
(answer: badly). I’d say this film has more in common with
the adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s "The Road" than it does
with any other adaptations of "War of the Worlds."
disappear from the story as needed, and fortunately the
pastor is the only one who will make you want to punch
yourself in the groin until you lose consciousness. The
pastor spends nearly the entire final third of the film
becoming increasingly annoying, asking such rhetorical
questions as “Is this The Rapture?” and “What if running
away in terror from the giant killing machines is not what God
wants me to do?”, which seems like all the wrong questions
one should be asking during an alien invasion.
If it’s action, adventure or excitement you’re looking for, you
won’t find it in The Asylum’s War of the Worlds. This is a
grim, slow-moving survival drama about how a man carries
on in the face of insurmountable odds to find his loved ones
(answer: badly). I’d say this film has more in common with
the adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s "The Road" than it does
with any other adaptations of "War of the Worlds."
Obviously this film isn’t as good as The Road, but it’s certainly not the worst film by The Asylum
I’ve ever seen. Not exactly high praise, but I reckon the folks at The Asylum will take it anyway they
can get it.
I’ve ever seen. Not exactly high praise, but I reckon the folks at The Asylum will take it anyway they
can get it.
Looking for other sci-fi films done badly? Check out these mockbusters...
