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GYMKATA
* * * * * (1985, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Fusing the retro awesomeness of '80s martial arts action with the cheesy showmanship and awful
fashion of gymnastics!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I may not be a classically trained film critic, but I like to think of myself as an observer of the
cinematic condition. For example, it has not escaped my notice that every so many years,
someone will come out with a film that attempts to convince us that gymnastics is totally bad ass
and not the least bit girlie.
It happened a couple years ago with the Nick Nolte 2006 film, Peaceful Warrior, and famously back
in the ‘80s with Footloose (it totally did – watch it again!). Apparently, the gymnastics action in
Footloose was pushed too far into the background for some movie exec, who had this genius
thought: What if we combined gymnastics with martial arts? Martial arts... so hot right now. All the
kids will want to be gymnastics ninjas for Halloween! Hence Gymkata was born.
The film opens with… a complete mess. Sorry, but it’s so confusing that it’s not worth describing.
Let’s just say it’s a mash-up of Planet of the Apes (with horseback ninjas) and some guy doing
gymnastics stuff on the uneven bars in the dark, and just move on.
The guy working the uneven bars is Cabot, a professional gymnast with a definite Luke Skywalker
vibe. The Feds pick Cabot – over all of the people in the armed forces – for a one-man mission
into reclusive Parmistan to… yeah, I know, let me know when you’re finished snickering.
* * * * * (1985, 90 minutes, Rated R)
Fusing the retro awesomeness of '80s martial arts action with the cheesy showmanship and awful
fashion of gymnastics!
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I may not be a classically trained film critic, but I like to think of myself as an observer of the
cinematic condition. For example, it has not escaped my notice that every so many years,
someone will come out with a film that attempts to convince us that gymnastics is totally bad ass
and not the least bit girlie.
It happened a couple years ago with the Nick Nolte 2006 film, Peaceful Warrior, and famously back
in the ‘80s with Footloose (it totally did – watch it again!). Apparently, the gymnastics action in
Footloose was pushed too far into the background for some movie exec, who had this genius
thought: What if we combined gymnastics with martial arts? Martial arts... so hot right now. All the
kids will want to be gymnastics ninjas for Halloween! Hence Gymkata was born.
The film opens with… a complete mess. Sorry, but it’s so confusing that it’s not worth describing.
Let’s just say it’s a mash-up of Planet of the Apes (with horseback ninjas) and some guy doing
gymnastics stuff on the uneven bars in the dark, and just move on.
The guy working the uneven bars is Cabot, a professional gymnast with a definite Luke Skywalker
vibe. The Feds pick Cabot – over all of the people in the armed forces – for a one-man mission
into reclusive Parmistan to… yeah, I know, let me know when you’re finished snickering.
 |
Parmistan has a plot of land that the U.S. wants access to for
its Stat Wars project. The big plan? Have Cabot compete in
The Game (sadly, not a variation of the Michael Douglas
movie), which no one has won “in 900 years.”
The winner gets a wish granted by the Khan of Parmistan
(and hence, can get the U.S. that plot of land). Also, the
winner gets to live. Yay?
Cabot is introduced to “the Princess of Parmistan” (“She’s
very interesting,” Cabot’s handler tells him. “Her mother is
Indonesian.”) and his trainers. It’s time for a montage! The
trainers begin schooling Cabot in the deadly arts of Gymkata,
a fighting style that fused the awesomeness of the martial
its Stat Wars project. The big plan? Have Cabot compete in
The Game (sadly, not a variation of the Michael Douglas
movie), which no one has won “in 900 years.”
The winner gets a wish granted by the Khan of Parmistan
(and hence, can get the U.S. that plot of land). Also, the
winner gets to live. Yay?
Cabot is introduced to “the Princess of Parmistan” (“She’s
very interesting,” Cabot’s handler tells him. “Her mother is
Indonesian.”) and his trainers. It’s time for a montage! The
trainers begin schooling Cabot in the deadly arts of Gymkata,
a fighting style that fused the awesomeness of the martial
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| The Official Dinner of the Nation of Parmistan |
arts of the East with the timing and poise of Western gymnastics. Or something like that. Gymkata
seems to include a lot of unnecessary flips, an array of ugly sweaters and the essential ability to
walk up a staircase on one’s hands.
seems to include a lot of unnecessary flips, an array of ugly sweaters and the essential ability to
walk up a staircase on one’s hands.
| (Above) Two hopefuls in training to join the Chinese Gymkata team. |
Turns out that all the training is
particularly essential due to the strict
firearm laws in Parmistan. “Get caught
with a gun,” Cabot is told, “and get your
head cut off.”
Soon enough, Cabot is able to walk up
a staircase on his hands and has
hooked up with the princess – time to
go into the field! In a far-off
marketplace, an agent warns Cabot
that the area has “just a little bit of anti-
American sentiment,” and is promptly
plugged with an arrow. And when a
local gang abducts the princess, it’s
particularly essential due to the strict
firearm laws in Parmistan. “Get caught
with a gun,” Cabot is told, “and get your
head cut off.”
Soon enough, Cabot is able to walk up
a staircase on his hands and has
hooked up with the princess – time to
go into the field! In a far-off
marketplace, an agent warns Cabot
that the area has “just a little bit of anti-
American sentiment,” and is promptly
plugged with an arrow. And when a
local gang abducts the princess, it’s
time for Cabot to unleash a gymkatass-kicking.
And here’s where we see the true beauty of gymkata: Nearly all of the major action sequences
involve a conspicuously placed item that resembles gymnastics equipment. During Cabot’s
rescue mission, a bunch of thugs chase Cabot down an alley where he conveniently finds a high
bar-like pipe running between the two buildings. All that's left is for the baddies to walk one at a
time into the kicks of the whirling gymkata master.
Cabot and the Princess eventually make it to Parmistan and meet up with the Khan, who is
strangely reminiscent of Mel Brooks. The Khan hosts a big banquet – much akin to the one near
And here’s where we see the true beauty of gymkata: Nearly all of the major action sequences
involve a conspicuously placed item that resembles gymnastics equipment. During Cabot’s
rescue mission, a bunch of thugs chase Cabot down an alley where he conveniently finds a high
bar-like pipe running between the two buildings. All that's left is for the baddies to walk one at a
time into the kicks of the whirling gymkata master.
Cabot and the Princess eventually make it to Parmistan and meet up with the Khan, who is
strangely reminiscent of Mel Brooks. The Khan hosts a big banquet – much akin to the one near
| The Princess and Mel Brooks-ian Khan cheer on, eh, someone. |
the beginning of Enter the Dragon – which is
a lot like Medieval Times but without the
jousting. The banquet mostly serves
sideways glances between Cabot, the
Princess and the Douchey Head Security Guy
with the Rat Tail. Guess who the Princess is
arranged to marry?
Finally, finally, it’s time for The Game, which
is like a medieval version of The Running
Game. Or “The Most Dangerous Game” with
a set course for the hunted. There are even
a lot like Medieval Times but without the
jousting. The banquet mostly serves
sideways glances between Cabot, the
Princess and the Douchey Head Security Guy
with the Rat Tail. Guess who the Princess is
arranged to marry?
Finally, finally, it’s time for The Game, which
is like a medieval version of The Running
Game. Or “The Most Dangerous Game” with
a set course for the hunted. There are even
ninjas with semaphore flags stationed throughout the course to help keep everyone on track -- a
sure sign that your country has too many ninjas.“
Anyone trying to avoid an obstacle will be instantly killed!” the Mel Brooks-ian Khan joyously tells
the contestants. Said obstacles include a rope course, a forest and the Village of the Crazies,
which is filled with booby traps, recordings of Halloween sound effects and, allegedly, insane
cannibals. Fortunately for Cabot, the town square has a stone pummel horse so he can gymakata
the crap out of the whole town! Yes, this really happens:
sure sign that your country has too many ninjas.“
Anyone trying to avoid an obstacle will be instantly killed!” the Mel Brooks-ian Khan joyously tells
the contestants. Said obstacles include a rope course, a forest and the Village of the Crazies,
which is filled with booby traps, recordings of Halloween sound effects and, allegedly, insane
cannibals. Fortunately for Cabot, the town square has a stone pummel horse so he can gymakata
the crap out of the whole town! Yes, this really happens:
Brilliant! This is exactly the kind of film the Bargain Bin Review is looking for. Don’t walk -- run,
tumble and cartwheel -- and check out Gymkata.
Don't believe the hype? Here are some second opinions for your
consideration:
BadMovies.Org
Monster Shack
Movie Cynic's Gymkata Drinking Game
tumble and cartwheel -- and check out Gymkata.
Don't believe the hype? Here are some second opinions for your
consideration:
BadMovies.Org
Monster Shack
Movie Cynic's Gymkata Drinking Game
| '11 Binnie Winner! |