 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
THE GIANT GILA MONSTER
* * (1959, 74 minutes, Unrated)
Lizard Hates Ukulele, news at eleven.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT THE MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I’d invited Dr. Johnston Ach, Official Science Officer of the Bargain Bin Review, to join me in viewing
one of the many quality films featured here. He picked this film, and it was an ideal selection. As a
Man of Science, Doc Ach was interested in seeing how the Gila Monster would be represented and
explained. And as a Man of Faith, I had the upmost confidence that this would be a laughably bad
movie.
* * (1959, 74 minutes, Unrated)
Lizard Hates Ukulele, news at eleven.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT THE MINI-REVIEW AT THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
I’d invited Dr. Johnston Ach, Official Science Officer of the Bargain Bin Review, to join me in viewing
one of the many quality films featured here. He picked this film, and it was an ideal selection. As a
Man of Science, Doc Ach was interested in seeing how the Gila Monster would be represented and
explained. And as a Man of Faith, I had the upmost confidence that this would be a laughably bad
movie.
 |
This story takes place in one of the many “uncharted,” “unpopulated,” “impenetrable” parts of our
country (There were a few other “un-“ words in there, but I didn’t feel like pausing the tape twenty
seconds into the film. Also, I was busy eating nachos.)… The kind of place where one has no
idea of just how big a Gila Monster might grow. Like North Dakota, though the setting of the film
looks suspiciously like southern California.
country (There were a few other “un-“ words in there, but I didn’t feel like pausing the tape twenty
seconds into the film. Also, I was busy eating nachos.)… The kind of place where one has no
idea of just how big a Gila Monster might grow. Like North Dakota, though the setting of the film
looks suspiciously like southern California.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Doc Ach and Nolahn are exactly like this, but without the torches. |
Doc Ach found this surprising. “They’re not trying to explain away the
Giant Gila Monster as a mutation or the result of a radioactive
accident,” he reasonably pointed out. “The filmmakers are
suggesting that Giant Gila Monsters are naturally occurring.” We
paused the movie to let that sink in. Then Doc Ach switched from
beer to paint thinner.
Here in one corner of our “uncharted” country is a couple of
30somethings – Pat and Liz, we’ll learn later – nuzzling in their
parked car. Suddenly, a big lizard arm! Blam! The car tumbles down
a revine and… sits there, failing to explode in an obscenely huge ball
of fire. Hope Pat has AAA.
Giant Gila Monster as a mutation or the result of a radioactive
accident,” he reasonably pointed out. “The filmmakers are
suggesting that Giant Gila Monsters are naturally occurring.” We
paused the movie to let that sink in. Then Doc Ach switched from
beer to paint thinner.
Here in one corner of our “uncharted” country is a couple of
30somethings – Pat and Liz, we’ll learn later – nuzzling in their
parked car. Suddenly, a big lizard arm! Blam! The car tumbles down
a revine and… sits there, failing to explode in an obscenely huge ball
of fire. Hope Pat has AAA.
| Doc Ach, if he were made by Lego. |
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang of, ahem, “teenagers” are out doing what teens do best: listen to
their loud Rock & Roll music, drag race and dance at the local pop shop. Go, Daddy-O! Pat and
Liz fail to show up, so they miss out on the drive-in.
their loud Rock & Roll music, drag race and dance at the local pop shop. Go, Daddy-O! Pat and
Liz fail to show up, so they miss out on the drive-in.
| The "teens," enjoying their danged rock & roll music. |
Pat and Liz? Still missing, which means it's time for
Pat’s dad and the Sheriff have an Argument of
Exposition. They debate the possibility that Pat and
Liz ran off to elope (fat chance, says Dad) and the
influence that Chase, the Leader of the Pack, has
over the couple (mostly good, says Sheriff).
Apparently eloping was a major social concern in
the late ‘50s, cuz the Sheriff seems to pursue this
for a good chunk of the movie. That’s when he’s not
doing DUI checks by smelling people’s breath, of
course.
It’s also apparent that the Sheriff is the only law
Pat’s dad and the Sheriff have an Argument of
Exposition. They debate the possibility that Pat and
Liz ran off to elope (fat chance, says Dad) and the
influence that Chase, the Leader of the Pack, has
over the couple (mostly good, says Sheriff).
Apparently eloping was a major social concern in
the late ‘50s, cuz the Sheriff seems to pursue this
for a good chunk of the movie. That’s when he’s not
doing DUI checks by smelling people’s breath, of
course.
It’s also apparent that the Sheriff is the only law
officer in the county, cuz he never assigns the missing person’s case to anyone else. With so
much “uncharted country” to cover and breath to smell, the Sheriff quickly enlists Chase’s help in
finding Pat and Liz. Chase happily agrees to help, and the Sheriff thanks him by giving Chase an
earful about his busted headlight. Nice.
Oh, hi Nameless Traveling Salesman. I’m sure we’re about to learn all about your very
interesting li— it’s the Giant Gila Monster! And it’s… a close-up of somebody’s pet lizard in a
sandbox! Roar, big lizard hand, bye Nameless Traveling Salesman.
much “uncharted country” to cover and breath to smell, the Sheriff quickly enlists Chase’s help in
finding Pat and Liz. Chase happily agrees to help, and the Sheriff thanks him by giving Chase an
earful about his busted headlight. Nice.
Oh, hi Nameless Traveling Salesman. I’m sure we’re about to learn all about your very
interesting li— it’s the Giant Gila Monster! And it’s… a close-up of somebody’s pet lizard in a
sandbox! Roar, big lizard hand, bye Nameless Traveling Salesman.
| ...And someone's pet lizard as "The Giant Gila Monster." |
Chase is on the case – just as soon as he
finishes up some automotive action for his shop.
Tune ups! Towing! Auto maintenance! This
movie was sponsored by Mobile Oil with all the
subtlety of a poke in the eye. One redneck
customer tells Chase that there’s four quarts of
nitro glycerin stored in some shack, which just
might be important later.
Another customer, a drunk D.J., lays this line on
Chase when asked if he needs a tow: “I’m
suburb… Seven in a box, no corners. I’m a round
house!” Ah, the days where drinking and driving
was considered charming. The D.J. actually saw
finishes up some automotive action for his shop.
Tune ups! Towing! Auto maintenance! This
movie was sponsored by Mobile Oil with all the
subtlety of a poke in the eye. One redneck
customer tells Chase that there’s four quarts of
nitro glycerin stored in some shack, which just
might be important later.
Another customer, a drunk D.J., lays this line on
Chase when asked if he needs a tow: “I’m
suburb… Seven in a box, no corners. I’m a round
house!” Ah, the days where drinking and driving
was considered charming. The D.J. actually saw
the Giant Gila Monster, but was so drunk that Chase can’t believe him.
But that’s okay, because the now-grateful D.J. just might be the big break Chase has been
hoping for! Turns out Chase isn’t just a hip auto mechanic – he also sings and plays the ukulele!
The film grinds to a complete stop so Chase can play a song on his ukulele for his Very French
Girlfriend and his polio-afflicted daughter/kid sister/young niece. The song is competent, I guess.
Who can tell on a ukulele?
But that’s okay, because the now-grateful D.J. just might be the big break Chase has been
hoping for! Turns out Chase isn’t just a hip auto mechanic – he also sings and plays the ukulele!
The film grinds to a complete stop so Chase can play a song on his ukulele for his Very French
Girlfriend and his polio-afflicted daughter/kid sister/young niece. The song is competent, I guess.
Who can tell on a ukulele?
Turns out that the Giant Gila Monster HATES ukulele music, cuz it attacks the Big Party where
Chase is playing later in the film. What happens from here I won’t say, other than the climax
doesn’t involve any additional auto maintenance and ends exactly as you might imagine it would.
Afterwards, in order to complete his investigation, the Sheriff orders the entire party to stay put or
be arrested. Hearing this, Chase and his Very French Girlfriend immediately drive off. That
must be one of the perks of being the Sheriff’s only friend.
LOOKING FOR A SECOND OPINION? CHECK OUT THESE QUALITY REVIEWS...
BADMOVIES.ORG
HELL HORROR
Chase is playing later in the film. What happens from here I won’t say, other than the climax
doesn’t involve any additional auto maintenance and ends exactly as you might imagine it would.
Afterwards, in order to complete his investigation, the Sheriff orders the entire party to stay put or
be arrested. Hearing this, Chase and his Very French Girlfriend immediately drive off. That
must be one of the perks of being the Sheriff’s only friend.
LOOKING FOR A SECOND OPINION? CHECK OUT THESE QUALITY REVIEWS...
BADMOVIES.ORG
HELL HORROR