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GENIUS CLUB
* * (2006, 111 minutes, Rated PG)
In which Stephen Baldwin and his IQ of 229 save the world.
I thought I'd squeeze in one more holiday movie, though only on a technicality -- the movie takes
place on Christmas Eve. Not sure why. In fact, it makes little sense as this is the story of seven
geniuses who are covertly abducted by the government to match wits with a terrorist. If any of the
geniuses' families notice that they're missing, we never see it.
After opening on news clips of death, darkness and destruction, FBI Special Agent Mehlman voice-
overs about how he has a secret so big (how big is it?) that it could CHANGE THE WORLD. Then,
breaking all sorts of government security protocol, Chatty Cathy Mehlman immediately tells us all
about it.
So, as I mentioned just the other paragraph, seven Americans with IQs north of 200 -- whom
Mehlman located by using Google! -- are "brought in" by the government as part of a terrorist's
demands. Said terrorist (played by Tom Sizemore in full made-for-TV lunatic mode) has planted a
nuclear bomb in Washington, D.C., and he'll set the bomb off unless the "genius club" can solve
all the world's problems by dawn. How one determines whether or not the "solutions" will work or
are even viable is never addressed.
Okay, I thought, this sound preposterous, but let's go with it. Then the terrorists rolls his scoring
system, where he awards or deducts points based on the genius's responses. And if the genius
club reaches 1000 points, they win!
Does this sound like a bad reality TV show to you? Me, too. Let's meet the contestants!
* * (2006, 111 minutes, Rated PG)
In which Stephen Baldwin and his IQ of 229 save the world.
I thought I'd squeeze in one more holiday movie, though only on a technicality -- the movie takes
place on Christmas Eve. Not sure why. In fact, it makes little sense as this is the story of seven
geniuses who are covertly abducted by the government to match wits with a terrorist. If any of the
geniuses' families notice that they're missing, we never see it.
After opening on news clips of death, darkness and destruction, FBI Special Agent Mehlman voice-
overs about how he has a secret so big (how big is it?) that it could CHANGE THE WORLD. Then,
breaking all sorts of government security protocol, Chatty Cathy Mehlman immediately tells us all
about it.
So, as I mentioned just the other paragraph, seven Americans with IQs north of 200 -- whom
Mehlman located by using Google! -- are "brought in" by the government as part of a terrorist's
demands. Said terrorist (played by Tom Sizemore in full made-for-TV lunatic mode) has planted a
nuclear bomb in Washington, D.C., and he'll set the bomb off unless the "genius club" can solve
all the world's problems by dawn. How one determines whether or not the "solutions" will work or
are even viable is never addressed.
Okay, I thought, this sound preposterous, but let's go with it. Then the terrorists rolls his scoring
system, where he awards or deducts points based on the genius's responses. And if the genius
club reaches 1000 points, they win!
Does this sound like a bad reality TV show to you? Me, too. Let's meet the contestants!
- JACOB, a former lawyer turned seminary student who has written a best-selling book about
God. According to Wikipedia, it was really important to the producers that Jacob was played
by a "real Christian." I'm sure the other Christians (or " so-called Christians," according to
the producers) on the set loved that sentiment.
- EDWARD, a Nobel Prize-winning economics professor. Yes, he's the one with the bow-tie.
- ALLY, the "quiet by shockingly brilliant" painter whose works have been compared to Da
Vinci. Ally is played by "Battlestar Galactica" babe Tricia Helfer, but Ally is dying of cancer.
Congrats on de-hottifying Tricia Helfer, movie!
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| Problem solved. |
- RORY (America's Stephen Baldwin), a pizza delivery guy who happens to have the highest
IQ of the bunch. He's the resident "bad boy," as evident by his skateboard and Whatevah
attitude. Sadly, besides posturing, Baldwin is given little to do.
Joining the Genius Club is Agent Mehlman and the President of the United States. Some weak-
kneed Secret Service agent appears periodically to remind the POTUS that his attendance is
stupid and that he should go post-haste to a bunker. POTUS won't because of, you know, 9-11.
POTUS explains rather emphatically throughout the film, and at no point does it make a lick of
sense.
So now everyone is up to speed and Tom Sizemore is on the big screen, bouncing around in the
shadows like a loon, and here comes the first problem: "Every war has been a meaningless
waste of life. Discuss."
Okay. 1) That's not a problem, that's a value statement. "How can we prevent war?" is a problem.
2) I suspect that for the survivors of the Nazi concentration camps and the ethnic cleansing in
Korosovo -- and that's off the top of my head -- there isn't much to discuss. See the Special Side
Bar for more.
And so it goes, with lots of people bitching about the "rise of mediocrity" and how everyone is too
busy watching TV and reading magazines to care about "true human achievement." Politics is the
cause of all problems, pro athletes are overpaid, we make inferior products, healthcare and
religion have been monetized, blah blah blah blah blah. It's all really just a platform for the terrorist
(and through him, the screenwriter) to rant and rave like a talk radio host. It's all a big Superiority
Complex Parade.
- TATIANA, a biochemist who has cured athlete's
foot. Thank God. Tatiana's biggest characterization
is that she has asthma, guaranteeing at least a
couple dramatically timed asthma attacks.
- JULIA, a casino owner and chronic overachiever.
She's the voice of every remorseless corporate
executive stereotype.
- JOSE, a successful baseball player. He spends
most of his time whining about not being with his
family, which I found entertaining coming from a
guy who presumably isn't home for eight months of
the year.
| Everyone sucks but me. Wah! |
The points are punctuated by absurd flashbacks, like
the time that Agent Mehlman pulled a gun on a
mechanic because he was not going to pay a lot for
that muffler. By the way, we learn in these flashbacks
that Agent Mehlman rides around in a cheesy green
motorcycle. Every time Mehlman would ride into the
scene, I'd start singing "Cool Rider" from Grease 2. I'll
leave it to you to determine who is the bigger dork in
this scenario.
(Notice that I haven't included a poll for this.)
the time that Agent Mehlman pulled a gun on a
mechanic because he was not going to pay a lot for
that muffler. By the way, we learn in these flashbacks
that Agent Mehlman rides around in a cheesy green
motorcycle. Every time Mehlman would ride into the
scene, I'd start singing "Cool Rider" from Grease 2. I'll
leave it to you to determine who is the bigger dork in
this scenario.
(Notice that I haven't included a poll for this.)
Back in the bunker, the geniuses bicker, each having a turn at their Big Dramatic Moment. The
drama is punctuated with such lines as "I'm just a casino owner and that's all!" and "Mr. President,
I have to go to the bathroom!"
Needless to say, the genius club doesn't solve a damn thing. Worse, Tom Sizemore throws out
the occasional riddle, which only succeeds in making the "geniuses" look stupid for not knowing
the answer to riddles I've seen on children's programming.
drama is punctuated with such lines as "I'm just a casino owner and that's all!" and "Mr. President,
I have to go to the bathroom!"
Needless to say, the genius club doesn't solve a damn thing. Worse, Tom Sizemore throws out
the occasional riddle, which only succeeds in making the "geniuses" look stupid for not knowing
the answer to riddles I've seen on children's programming.
The Genius Club moves and feels like a student film, what with the desperate camera work,
amateurish lighting and inconsistent sound editing. This is ultimately the work of someone angry
at everyone and everything, trying to make sense of the world. All the whining and complaining
gets tiresome in a hurry.
And for all the "big ideas," the film is aggressively unoriginal. Think Baldwin's bad boy will have a
late change of heart and be cooperative? Think they'll stop the bomb with mere seconds to spare?
Think the asthmatic Titania will toss away her inhaler to symbolize her new lease on life?
That last one is my favorite. As someone who has asthma, I can personally tell you that nothing
says "liberated and care-free" like throwing away the very instrument that can alleviate one's
chronic respiratory condition.
amateurish lighting and inconsistent sound editing. This is ultimately the work of someone angry
at everyone and everything, trying to make sense of the world. All the whining and complaining
gets tiresome in a hurry.
And for all the "big ideas," the film is aggressively unoriginal. Think Baldwin's bad boy will have a
late change of heart and be cooperative? Think they'll stop the bomb with mere seconds to spare?
Think the asthmatic Titania will toss away her inhaler to symbolize her new lease on life?
That last one is my favorite. As someone who has asthma, I can personally tell you that nothing
says "liberated and care-free" like throwing away the very instrument that can alleviate one's
chronic respiratory condition.
So the first "problem" that Tom Sizemore's terrorist poses is the statement: Every war has been a meaningless waste of life. Certainly our latest excursion into Iraq seems more like a war of choice than a war of necessity, and it feels all the more obscene when you note that even the high estimates for universal health care (which Congress can't stomach) is still far less than the estimates for our current wars (which Congress was happy to green-light). Having said that, I will now make the seemingly tacky argument for war. As a species, we're a combative bunch. Always have been, from the gladiators of yore to last weekend's Jell-O wrestling party. Hell, half the fun of professional hockey is waiting for a fight to break out. But while one could say that war is just a fight on a grand scale, nations don't start fights the way your local barfly does -- nations need motivation. (Oh, it may be a terrible motivation, like ethnic cleansing or megalomania. But there's always a reason.) Because a nation's motivation is something beyond, "I was drunk and in a bad mood," there have been a number of positive results stemming from war. In no particular order: -- Preventing genocide (World War II, Bosnian War) -- Establishing a free nation (U.S. Revolution, First Indochina War, Greek Revolution, Spanish American Wars, many others) -- Overthrowing monarchies for democracy (French Revolution) -- Liberating enslaved people (end result of the U.S. Civil War) Also, we got Rambo: First Blood Part II. Having said that... "In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist." -- Dwight Eisenhower |
| WAR! GOOD GOD! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
| In fact, I'm confident that the fine readership of the Bargain Bin Review could do a better job solving the world's problems than this bunch. Head on over to our sister site, the Bloggin' Bin Revue, and give it a whirl with some actual problems from the film. |