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GARFIELD'S PET FORCE
* (2009, 73 minutes, Rated G)
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an annoying d-bag of a cat!
Superheroes, so hot these days. And it's easy to see the appeal: When done competently,
superhero stories are half wish fulfillment and half modern-day mythology. Even better, we now
have the technology to make superhero movies look... well, super.
Know what's not hot right now? Garfield.
* (2009, 73 minutes, Rated G)
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an annoying d-bag of a cat!
Superheroes, so hot these days. And it's easy to see the appeal: When done competently,
superhero stories are half wish fulfillment and half modern-day mythology. Even better, we now
have the technology to make superhero movies look... well, super.
Know what's not hot right now? Garfield.
 |
Let's give the smug little bastard his due:
Garfield has been running for over 30 years and
is still going strong. In fact, Garfield holds a
Guinness World Record for being the world's
most widely syndicated comic strip. Having said
that, the comic is about as funny as skin cancer.
Wanna know what happens when you combine
superheroes and Garfield?
No? Too bad.
Garfield has been running for over 30 years and
is still going strong. In fact, Garfield holds a
Guinness World Record for being the world's
most widely syndicated comic strip. Having said
that, the comic is about as funny as skin cancer.
Wanna know what happens when you combine
superheroes and Garfield?
No? Too bad.
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| Being a smug bastard is so 1980s... |
This 3D-ish CGI film opens with a Star Wars-style scroll that immediately makes fun of the idea of
a Star Wars-style scroll. "It's not as if there's some great meaning up here" the scroll snarks. No,
of course not -- Ye Olde Opening Scroll is meant to be an exposition dump, but nice try.
On the far-off planet of Dorkon (sigh), Emperor Jon (Garfield's Jon with a crappy goat-tee) is
shown a brand new laser gun before marrying the first piece of tail to walk in. Nevermind that
Vetvix (an evil version of veterinarian Liz) clearly more interested in Jon's new laser gun, which
scrambles the molocules of any two things into creatures the user can control. Sure enough,
Vetvix has her hands on the gun within minutes, scrambling people at will.
Annoyingly, Vetvix insists on referring to her creations as "zombies." Because if there's anything
the elementary set just loves these days, it's zombies. Somewhere, Nick of Random Ramblings
of a Demented Doorknob is grinding his teeth down to nubs.
Time to call in the Pet Force! And OH MY GOD it's just Garfield and friends with their heads pasted
on top of superhero bodies. Of course, the leader of the Pet Force is “Garzooka,” which may be
the single most stupid thing I've ever seen in my life.
a Star Wars-style scroll. "It's not as if there's some great meaning up here" the scroll snarks. No,
of course not -- Ye Olde Opening Scroll is meant to be an exposition dump, but nice try.
On the far-off planet of Dorkon (sigh), Emperor Jon (Garfield's Jon with a crappy goat-tee) is
shown a brand new laser gun before marrying the first piece of tail to walk in. Nevermind that
Vetvix (an evil version of veterinarian Liz) clearly more interested in Jon's new laser gun, which
scrambles the molocules of any two things into creatures the user can control. Sure enough,
Vetvix has her hands on the gun within minutes, scrambling people at will.
Annoyingly, Vetvix insists on referring to her creations as "zombies." Because if there's anything
the elementary set just loves these days, it's zombies. Somewhere, Nick of Random Ramblings
of a Demented Doorknob is grinding his teeth down to nubs.
Time to call in the Pet Force! And OH MY GOD it's just Garfield and friends with their heads pasted
on top of superhero bodies. Of course, the leader of the Pet Force is “Garzooka,” which may be
the single most stupid thing I've ever seen in my life.
| Never wanted to punch something in the face so hard... |
I mean, really? Really? How could anyone think that pasting a head onto a generic superhero
body would be anything but ridiculous?
body would be anything but ridiculous?
| Case in point. |
Vetvix apparently feels the same way, and promptly zaps all of the Pet Forcians save for Garzooka.
The only hope for Garzooka is to find creatures with similar DNA and give them Pet Force-like
powers (like a Gro-Your-Own Pet Force!) to take on Vetvix. You see where this is going?
I’ll help: It’s going over to the stars of the show, in mid-cookout. Apparently, Garfield and friends
live in “Comic Strip World,” where they’re major TV stars or some such. Also, all of the Pet Force
stuff we just saw is part of a comic book Nermal is really into. Also also, unlike in the comics,
here Jon and others can communicate freely with Garfield, Odie, Nermal, etc. I guess Garfield
Minus Garfield really struck a note with Jim Davis.
The only hope for Garzooka is to find creatures with similar DNA and give them Pet Force-like
powers (like a Gro-Your-Own Pet Force!) to take on Vetvix. You see where this is going?
I’ll help: It’s going over to the stars of the show, in mid-cookout. Apparently, Garfield and friends
live in “Comic Strip World,” where they’re major TV stars or some such. Also, all of the Pet Force
stuff we just saw is part of a comic book Nermal is really into. Also also, unlike in the comics,
here Jon and others can communicate freely with Garfield, Odie, Nermal, etc. I guess Garfield
Minus Garfield really struck a note with Jim Davis.
| Dan Walsh's Garfield Minus Garfield explores the inherent sadness of Jon Arbuckle's existence. Even Jim Davis thinks it's brilliant. |
With Vettix in hot pursuit, Garzooka warps/teleports/whatever into the Comic Strip World universe
through the Pet Force comics at a local newsstand. And before you can say, “I hate Mondays,”
Vetvix has zombiefied the place, all of Garfield’s friends are superpowered, and our tart tubby
tabby is left behind with a bunch of random Jim Davis characters.
There’s a fair bunch more to it, but who cares? The humor is so broad, my eyes ached from
rolling so much. The humor is so broad, I was a little surprised that a record scratch bringing the
action to a halt wasn’t worked in, until it dawned on me that Ye Olde Record Scratch would’ve
been too hip for this film.
The one kinda cool idea the film had – ripped off from “Heroes” of all places – was the comic book
that foretold real events. I kept waiting for Nermal to use his Pet Force comic book to head off
Vetvix… and I’m still waiting.
So after receiving a pep talk about not sleeping through life but being an active participant, Garfield
rallies his non-superpowered friends to ahdfipahdifhdfdji;lasn;f c
Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard. How else could this story go? The only surprising thing
to happen in the second half of the film was the strange dance on (yes, on) the stars sequence
that Garfield and his girlfriend, Arlene, share. And that’s not the good kind of surprise.
Oh, one more for you: I spent much of the film thinking that Garfield was being voiced by Norm
McDonald (because, when you think of it, that’s a pretty natural fit). But no, Garfield and about a
dozen other characters are voiced by voice talent hall of famer Frank Welker.
through the Pet Force comics at a local newsstand. And before you can say, “I hate Mondays,”
Vetvix has zombiefied the place, all of Garfield’s friends are superpowered, and our tart tubby
tabby is left behind with a bunch of random Jim Davis characters.
There’s a fair bunch more to it, but who cares? The humor is so broad, my eyes ached from
rolling so much. The humor is so broad, I was a little surprised that a record scratch bringing the
action to a halt wasn’t worked in, until it dawned on me that Ye Olde Record Scratch would’ve
been too hip for this film.
The one kinda cool idea the film had – ripped off from “Heroes” of all places – was the comic book
that foretold real events. I kept waiting for Nermal to use his Pet Force comic book to head off
Vetvix… and I’m still waiting.
So after receiving a pep talk about not sleeping through life but being an active participant, Garfield
rallies his non-superpowered friends to ahdfipahdifhdfdji;lasn;f c
Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard. How else could this story go? The only surprising thing
to happen in the second half of the film was the strange dance on (yes, on) the stars sequence
that Garfield and his girlfriend, Arlene, share. And that’s not the good kind of surprise.
Oh, one more for you: I spent much of the film thinking that Garfield was being voiced by Norm
McDonald (because, when you think of it, that’s a pretty natural fit). But no, Garfield and about a
dozen other characters are voiced by voice talent hall of famer Frank Welker.
| Megatron does not approve. |