FRANKENFISH
* * * * (2004, 84 minutes, Rated R)
"This is like the dark side of Hee Haw!" -- Hottie Biologist
I was really hoping this movie would be about a scientist who, in his obsession with unlocking the
secrets of life, cobbles together a monstrous fish out of dead fish parts. No such luck.
That's okay. Disappointment comes with the territory when you run a site reviewing
straight-to-video movies.
No, this movie was actually inspired by a real-life incident in 2002. That summer, several northern
snakeheads were found in pond in Crofton, MD. This was problematic because 1) these fish are
native to Asia, 2) they're extremely aggressive and ornery predators with no natural enemies, and
3) they can live out of the water for up to four days, walk on land, and easily survive a Maryland
winter. The solution? The public was encouraged to kill the snakeheads on sight.
* * * * (2004, 84 minutes, Rated R)
"This is like the dark side of Hee Haw!" -- Hottie Biologist
I was really hoping this movie would be about a scientist who, in his obsession with unlocking the
secrets of life, cobbles together a monstrous fish out of dead fish parts. No such luck.
That's okay. Disappointment comes with the territory when you run a site reviewing
straight-to-video movies.
No, this movie was actually inspired by a real-life incident in 2002. That summer, several northern
snakeheads were found in pond in Crofton, MD. This was problematic because 1) these fish are
native to Asia, 2) they're extremely aggressive and ornery predators with no natural enemies, and
3) they can live out of the water for up to four days, walk on land, and easily survive a Maryland
winter. The solution? The public was encouraged to kill the snakeheads on sight.
About the movie... Our hero is Sam Rivers, the medical examiner for CSI: Backwater, LA. He's
pulled off a standard "CSI"-style case to investigate the Federally Mandated Pre-Credits Slaughter
that took place in his hometown. Sam quickly teams up with a Hottie Biologist -- who has
thoughtfully packed her bikini! -- and off they go for a four-to-five hour motorboat ride deep into the
bayou.
Their destination turns out to be a town so small, it's basically made up of a collection of
houseboats (though it's unclear if this town is considered part of the "real America" or a "pro-
America area"). The residents are like a collection of Swampland Stereotypes:
Along with these Cajun clichés, we're also treated to lots of underwater POV shots and -- I kid you
not -- what sounds like the whisky jug version of the Jaws theme. And a sub-plot involving
smugglers, a big game hunter (who apparently does his big game hunting with a 9mm) and some
guys who may or may not be part of the Chinese mob.
This is also some utterly jaw-dropping dialog. Check out this bit of "girl talk" between the Hottie
Biologist and the Voodoo Witch's Hottie Daughter, some eight hours after they first met:
pulled off a standard "CSI"-style case to investigate the Federally Mandated Pre-Credits Slaughter
that took place in his hometown. Sam quickly teams up with a Hottie Biologist -- who has
thoughtfully packed her bikini! -- and off they go for a four-to-five hour motorboat ride deep into the
bayou.
Their destination turns out to be a town so small, it's basically made up of a collection of
houseboats (though it's unclear if this town is considered part of the "real America" or a "pro-
America area"). The residents are like a collection of Swampland Stereotypes:
- The Wacky Old Coot
- The Batty Voodoo Witch
- The Unhinged Vietnam Vet
- The Clothing-Optional Hippies (I don't know if this one counts, but it should)
Along with these Cajun clichés, we're also treated to lots of underwater POV shots and -- I kid you
not -- what sounds like the whisky jug version of the Jaws theme. And a sub-plot involving
smugglers, a big game hunter (who apparently does his big game hunting with a 9mm) and some
guys who may or may not be part of the Chinese mob.
This is also some utterly jaw-dropping dialog. Check out this bit of "girl talk" between the Hottie
Biologist and the Voodoo Witch's Hottie Daughter, some eight hours after they first met:
| ABOVE: Maryland's Public Enemy #1, Summer of 2002. |
| HOTTIE BIOLOGIST: Well, you deserve someone who's never like that. Someone who will massage your feet after a long day, cook you a nice dinner, read you poetry. Someone who actually values you, instead of some jerk who comes home expecting a blowjob. LOCAL HOTTIE: Yeah, where am I supposed to find a guy like that? HOTTIE BIOLOGIST: Who says I'm talking about a guy? LOCAL HOTTIE: But, you know, it's funny. Man or woman... you still end up spending the same amount of time with your head stuck between someone's legs. |
Yeah... The Hottie Biologist end the scene with a look that says, "I can't believe she just said that."
Never mind that she's the one who started all the b.j. talk.
Shall we talk about the title character? Because for a poorly rendered CGI creature, the
Frankenfish is allowed some of the most creative killings since Freddy Krueger ruled the box
office. Of course, it helps when your carnivorous fish can breathe and move around out of water,
think strategically and is the size of my couch. Frankenfish systematically takes out various means
of rescue, knocks one redshirt into the blades of a fan boat, and gets a few cool slo-mo moments
while leaping out of the water to bite someone's head off.
But then, the movie is filled with absurd deaths. There's a priceless moment where one character
-- the type of character that traditionally survives the movie -- suddenly has half her head blown off
by a shotgun set off by a flaming houseboat. This leads the Whiny Lawyer to exclaim, "The house
shot her! This is insane!"
Tell me about it.
Never mind that she's the one who started all the b.j. talk.
Shall we talk about the title character? Because for a poorly rendered CGI creature, the
Frankenfish is allowed some of the most creative killings since Freddy Krueger ruled the box
office. Of course, it helps when your carnivorous fish can breathe and move around out of water,
think strategically and is the size of my couch. Frankenfish systematically takes out various means
of rescue, knocks one redshirt into the blades of a fan boat, and gets a few cool slo-mo moments
while leaping out of the water to bite someone's head off.
But then, the movie is filled with absurd deaths. There's a priceless moment where one character
-- the type of character that traditionally survives the movie -- suddenly has half her head blown off
by a shotgun set off by a flaming houseboat. This leads the Whiny Lawyer to exclaim, "The house
shot her! This is insane!"
Tell me about it.
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