FLIGHT OF FURY
* * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
It's Steven Seagal + Top Gun - the homo erotica - Kenny Loggins - all the exciting parts.
We open in a "detention center in Northern California" with some really snazzy opening credits. I
mention that because the opening credits are one of the most interesting things about this film --
kudos to you, Opening Credit Designer Team.
As the snazzy opening credits do their thing, we see a bunch of military types doing military things
and some doctors talk about prepping a patient for, uh, something? No scrubs are involved, I
know that much. And that patient is... STEVEN SEAGAL!!
* * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
It's Steven Seagal + Top Gun - the homo erotica - Kenny Loggins - all the exciting parts.
We open in a "detention center in Northern California" with some really snazzy opening credits. I
mention that because the opening credits are one of the most interesting things about this film --
kudos to you, Opening Credit Designer Team.
As the snazzy opening credits do their thing, we see a bunch of military types doing military things
and some doctors talk about prepping a patient for, uh, something? No scrubs are involved, I
know that much. And that patient is... STEVEN SEAGAL!!
| Seagal is NOT pleased. Or the sun is in his eyes. Hard to tell. |
Before any of this can make sense, Seagal escapes
with the help of a Mexican janitor and a nurse who
apparently obtained her outfit from Frederick's of
Hollywood.
It's a fun sequence and all, but it left me confused. Why
is Steven Seagal killing off our Army boys? Who are
these people helping him? Why hasn't anyone noticed
that she's clearly not wearing a regulation nurses
uniform? And why would our government be interested
in experimenting on Steven Seag-- oh, never mind.
None of it really matters, cuz it's barely referred to again.
Instead, we motor right along to Edwards Air Force Base
for a little discount Top Gun action. I've included a
Kenny Loggins video here to help you get in the mood
while reading the rest of this review:
with the help of a Mexican janitor and a nurse who
apparently obtained her outfit from Frederick's of
Hollywood.
It's a fun sequence and all, but it left me confused. Why
is Steven Seagal killing off our Army boys? Who are
these people helping him? Why hasn't anyone noticed
that she's clearly not wearing a regulation nurses
uniform? And why would our government be interested
in experimenting on Steven Seag-- oh, never mind.
None of it really matters, cuz it's barely referred to again.
Instead, we motor right along to Edwards Air Force Base
for a little discount Top Gun action. I've included a
Kenny Loggins video here to help you get in the mood
while reading the rest of this review:
You know the drill: The tough guy soldier talk, the locker room banter, the clinched jaws and
stock footage of jets taxiing around. It's all like that, but feeble. Anyway, it turns out that General
CueBall is doing an "off the books" test of the Army's newest toy, a new version of the stealth
fighter. This stealth fighter is not just invisible to radar -- it can literally turn invisible.
This is where I hit the pause button. You might want to do the same for the Kenny Loggins.
ARE YOU @!#6$!% KIDDING ME?!?
My friends, I have witnessed quite a few unintentional WTF moments here at The 'Bin, but this
might be one of the most WTFiest. A jet fighter that literally turns invisible -- one that, in this film,
cost the taxpayers about $78 billion -- is an astoundingly bad idea. It's very hard for me to
stock footage of jets taxiing around. It's all like that, but feeble. Anyway, it turns out that General
CueBall is doing an "off the books" test of the Army's newest toy, a new version of the stealth
fighter. This stealth fighter is not just invisible to radar -- it can literally turn invisible.
This is where I hit the pause button. You might want to do the same for the Kenny Loggins.
ARE YOU @!#6$!% KIDDING ME?!?
My friends, I have witnessed quite a few unintentional WTF moments here at The 'Bin, but this
might be one of the most WTFiest. A jet fighter that literally turns invisible -- one that, in this film,
cost the taxpayers about $78 billion -- is an astoundingly bad idea. It's very hard for me to
| Wonder Woman: Great source of fanboy fantasies, terrible source for military technology. |
believe that no one on the set of this film
considered that if the Army built a whole bunch
of jets that could turn invisible, they'd all crash
into each other. I figure right about now, every
aspiring screenwriter reading this review is
weeping.
Okay, I'm better now. You can turn the Kenny
Loggins back on.
Zoom-zoom-vroom, and you have no idea how
tiresome watching jets dog-fight can be without
Kenny Loggins in the background. And then,
abruptly, the guy piloting the stealth fighter
takes off for Siberia. And then China, and finally
Afghanistan. Because not only can this jet turn
invisible, it also never ever needs to refuel.
considered that if the Army built a whole bunch
of jets that could turn invisible, they'd all crash
into each other. I figure right about now, every
aspiring screenwriter reading this review is
weeping.
Okay, I'm better now. You can turn the Kenny
Loggins back on.
Zoom-zoom-vroom, and you have no idea how
tiresome watching jets dog-fight can be without
Kenny Loggins in the background. And then,
abruptly, the guy piloting the stealth fighter
takes off for Siberia. And then China, and finally
Afghanistan. Because not only can this jet turn
invisible, it also never ever needs to refuel.
Yada, yada, yada, the jet is in the hands of THE TERRORISTS and General CueBall knows that
there's only ONE MAN for the job.
Of course Steven Seagal (or "John," as he's called in this film) is the only man for the job -- he
had a whole host of unexplained super powers. These powers include the ability to:
there's only ONE MAN for the job.
Of course Steven Seagal (or "John," as he's called in this film) is the only man for the job -- he
had a whole host of unexplained super powers. These powers include the ability to:
- Teleport from under a truck to on top of the
truck without the half dozen security guards
checking the truck noticing; - Fly a plane across the Pacific Ocean in a
matter of minutes; - Punch through a display window, grab the
collar of a robber and pull him back through
the display window, all without cutting himself; - Fire an automatic rifle with one hand... and his
arm fully extended; - Throw a knife into another man's neck
sideways (perhaps it was a boomerang knife,
or Seagal can pitch a wicked curveball?); - Slide smoothly along the ground on his side,
head first, for about 20 feet while scoring kill
shot after kill shot;
| Steven Seagal doesn't need a gun to shoot you in the face... He can do it with his MIND. |
- Look drowsy in any given situation; and
- Engage in hand-to-hand combat and, without ever moving his feet, kill trained fighters
within seconds with his bare hands.
That last one is Seagal's bread and butter. In fact, Seagal's character kills about 25 people in this
film -- he kills more people than the mutant killer snowman did in Jack Frost 2. I don't know what
that says about Seagal (who wrote and produced the film) or his Aikido philosophy that one should
"try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others," but it probably isn't
flattering.
If you enjoyed this review, then be sure
to check out our other Seagal-themed
pieces:
to check out our other Seagal-themed
pieces:
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| BBRAD-LIB Story Generator 2.0 Steven Seagal Edition |