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FATAL DESIRE
* * (2003, 86 minutes, Unrated)
Fatally Dumb
Confession time, boys and girls. You probably look around The ‘Bin and think, "Ol’ Nolahn runs a
pretty tight ship." Well, not quite. Example: Under the gun to find an erotic thriller to review this
week, I consulted Netflix "Instant Viewing" section. Not much of a selection. I had my choice of a
Shannon Tweed film that looked more "adult drama" than "erotic thriller" and the cliché-sounding
Fatal Desire.
I chose Fatal Desire. I am a dumb ass.
* * (2003, 86 minutes, Unrated)
Fatally Dumb
Confession time, boys and girls. You probably look around The ‘Bin and think, "Ol’ Nolahn runs a
pretty tight ship." Well, not quite. Example: Under the gun to find an erotic thriller to review this
week, I consulted Netflix "Instant Viewing" section. Not much of a selection. I had my choice of a
Shannon Tweed film that looked more "adult drama" than "erotic thriller" and the cliché-sounding
Fatal Desire.
I chose Fatal Desire. I am a dumb ass.
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The film opens with the sounds of panting and moaning, so at least I know I’m in the right genre.
We see a couple making out in the most awkward way possible. It looks more like wrestling than
getting’ it on. Maybe they’re both virgins?
Just as Blondie is moving down to bob his roger, a brunette barges into the room packing heat.
Whoops. Blondie ninjas her way out a glass door, and the chase is on. Blondie ducks and
waves as Ms. Brown fires away. It’s all pretty ridiculous, and the fact that the scene is
accompanied by the Best Contemporary Jazz 1992 had to offer just puts it over the top.
And… it’s just a movie. Yawn. Two bloated Hollywood player types are viewing the action, and
very pleased with what they see. I have no idea why. The producer, a Poor Man’s George Lucas
We see a couple making out in the most awkward way possible. It looks more like wrestling than
getting’ it on. Maybe they’re both virgins?
Just as Blondie is moving down to bob his roger, a brunette barges into the room packing heat.
Whoops. Blondie ninjas her way out a glass door, and the chase is on. Blondie ducks and
waves as Ms. Brown fires away. It’s all pretty ridiculous, and the fact that the scene is
accompanied by the Best Contemporary Jazz 1992 had to offer just puts it over the top.
And… it’s just a movie. Yawn. Two bloated Hollywood player types are viewing the action, and
very pleased with what they see. I have no idea why. The producer, a Poor Man’s George Lucas
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| I'll never doubt you again, Ms. Tweed. |
| The inspiration of many an erotic thriller. |
(PMGL), needs more money, he’ll only get it if he ends the scene
with a big explosion, yada yada. When asked what he thinks, the
silent partner of the Hollywood moneyman simply states, "Needs
more tits."
Cut to tits. Eh, I mean, "Cut to a naked lady in a hot tub." Same
thing, really. Enjoy it, folks, cuz that’s about as clever as this film
gets.
The naked hot tub lady is Sue, the self-centered and sex-starved
wife of PMGL. Of course, instead of begging for sex like he would
be in real life, PMGL is too concerned about how he’ll pull off his big
movie stunt without funding for a full safety crew.
But that's all just a precaution, right? What could go wrong?
with a big explosion, yada yada. When asked what he thinks, the
silent partner of the Hollywood moneyman simply states, "Needs
more tits."
Cut to tits. Eh, I mean, "Cut to a naked lady in a hot tub." Same
thing, really. Enjoy it, folks, cuz that’s about as clever as this film
gets.
The naked hot tub lady is Sue, the self-centered and sex-starved
wife of PMGL. Of course, instead of begging for sex like he would
be in real life, PMGL is too concerned about how he’ll pull off his big
movie stunt without funding for a full safety crew.
But that's all just a precaution, right? What could go wrong?
So now PMGL is self-medicating and wandering around the house with no shirt on (ew) and
stressing out over the inevitable litigation and, you know, the guilt of killing a person. Sue's having
none of it. She's all put off with his whole "I feel really bad about blowing up a stunt woman"
shtick -- he never wants to go partying anymore! "This accident problem is really effecting our love
life. [PMGL] is sexually dead!" Like, omigod! What a bummer!
The party scene is just the beginning of our Bad Decision Theater, where Sue makes a string of
extraordinarily bad decisions. Bad Decision #1: A guy in a Mardi Gras mask tries to put the
moves on Sue, which PMGL catches sight of before Sue can put a stop to it. Instead of saying to
her husband, "Omigod, this guy totally tried to force himself on me!" she denies that it happened
and then plays it off. Shockingly, all it does is make PMGL mad and jealous.
Bad Decision #2: Sue gets really dressed up to go to the bad side of Savannah to score some
pot. So when her car breaks down, she gets to short skirt it around the slums.
Bad Decision #3: Sue hops a ride with a rugged Harley Davidson-riding stranger, invites him in,
gives him a beer and let's him wander around the house.
Bad Decision #4: Sue gets drunk on wine and dances around to contemporary jazz.
Bad Decision #5: Sue invites Harley Davidson over and starts having an affair with him. Their first
love scene ends with the camera panning over to an empty wine bottle, zooming in on the mouth
of the bottle. Sexy?
stressing out over the inevitable litigation and, you know, the guilt of killing a person. Sue's having
none of it. She's all put off with his whole "I feel really bad about blowing up a stunt woman"
shtick -- he never wants to go partying anymore! "This accident problem is really effecting our love
life. [PMGL] is sexually dead!" Like, omigod! What a bummer!
The party scene is just the beginning of our Bad Decision Theater, where Sue makes a string of
extraordinarily bad decisions. Bad Decision #1: A guy in a Mardi Gras mask tries to put the
moves on Sue, which PMGL catches sight of before Sue can put a stop to it. Instead of saying to
her husband, "Omigod, this guy totally tried to force himself on me!" she denies that it happened
and then plays it off. Shockingly, all it does is make PMGL mad and jealous.
Bad Decision #2: Sue gets really dressed up to go to the bad side of Savannah to score some
pot. So when her car breaks down, she gets to short skirt it around the slums.
Bad Decision #3: Sue hops a ride with a rugged Harley Davidson-riding stranger, invites him in,
gives him a beer and let's him wander around the house.
Bad Decision #4: Sue gets drunk on wine and dances around to contemporary jazz.
Bad Decision #5: Sue invites Harley Davidson over and starts having an affair with him. Their first
love scene ends with the camera panning over to an empty wine bottle, zooming in on the mouth
of the bottle. Sexy?
| Is this turning you on? |
On a related note, there are some strange contrasts in
style in this movie. One scene might be pulled straight
from a Harlequin romance, and then the next scene has
Harley backdooring Sue.
When PMGL comes back from his business trip to find the
place looking like a frat house, he quickly decides that the
most mature thing to do is have a cameraman shoot
footage of Sue's philandering. Sue catches on and starts
to worry that PMGL will divorce her. That leads to the
style in this movie. One scene might be pulled straight
from a Harlequin romance, and then the next scene has
Harley backdooring Sue.
When PMGL comes back from his business trip to find the
place looking like a frat house, he quickly decides that the
most mature thing to do is have a cameraman shoot
footage of Sue's philandering. Sue catches on and starts
to worry that PMGL will divorce her. That leads to the
strangest and most Bad Decision-y scene of the film.
Sue and Harley are rolling around, laughing and talking about her predicament. "He's actually
worth more dead than alive," Sue randomly observes. Harley playfully suggests that they off him.
Wheee! They both laugh over the thought, because killing a loved one is funny! Eventually, it
occurs to Sue that Harley is serious, so she offers up this gem: "Look, this is no big deal, you and
I. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think you're great. And the sex was great. Thank you very much."
As you might imagine, Harley doesn't take that too well, and soon we've ventured into some pretty
traditional menacing stalker action. And on and on it goes, right up to the fairly unimaginative and
extra unrealistic twist ending. It all might have been passable if Sue was the least bit
sympathetic or if the film didn't feel like a giant competition to see who could give the flattest
performance. Take that line above: Sue delivers that "Thank you very much" like she just received
an ugly sweater for Christmas.
In fact, an ugly Christmas sweater is the perfect representation of this movie.
Sue and Harley are rolling around, laughing and talking about her predicament. "He's actually
worth more dead than alive," Sue randomly observes. Harley playfully suggests that they off him.
Wheee! They both laugh over the thought, because killing a loved one is funny! Eventually, it
occurs to Sue that Harley is serious, so she offers up this gem: "Look, this is no big deal, you and
I. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think you're great. And the sex was great. Thank you very much."
As you might imagine, Harley doesn't take that too well, and soon we've ventured into some pretty
traditional menacing stalker action. And on and on it goes, right up to the fairly unimaginative and
extra unrealistic twist ending. It all might have been passable if Sue was the least bit
sympathetic or if the film didn't feel like a giant competition to see who could give the flattest
performance. Take that line above: Sue delivers that "Thank you very much" like she just received
an ugly sweater for Christmas.
In fact, an ugly Christmas sweater is the perfect representation of this movie.
| Fatal Desire, the ugly sweater of erotic thrillers. |