THE FALLEN ONES
* * * (2005, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Q: What's scarier than a mummy? A: A 42-foot tall mummy.
The film opens with a trailer for a sort of weird Biblical-fantasy hybrid. And it's as disorienting
as that opening line. It all boils down establishing that back in the Old Testament era, giants
roamed the earth. Hey, it's right there in Genesis 6:4, "There were giants in the earth in those
days," so it must be literally true.
Anyway, we learn from this guy who can turn his fingers into CGI snakes (a pointless
superpower if ever there was one) that "The Fallen Ones" of the title are in fact fallen angels. Mr.
* * * (2005, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Q: What's scarier than a mummy? A: A 42-foot tall mummy.
The film opens with a trailer for a sort of weird Biblical-fantasy hybrid. And it's as disorienting
as that opening line. It all boils down establishing that back in the Old Testament era, giants
roamed the earth. Hey, it's right there in Genesis 6:4, "There were giants in the earth in those
days," so it must be literally true.
Anyway, we learn from this guy who can turn his fingers into CGI snakes (a pointless
superpower if ever there was one) that "The Fallen Ones" of the title are in fact fallen angels. Mr.
McSnakeyHands' son in a giant -- ergo,
Mr. McSnakeyHands is a Fallen One --
who doesn't take kindly to the news that
he's about to be prematurely mummified.
No word on how long it takes to mummify
a 42-foot tall guy.
It's not long before we fast-forward to the
Present Day, where 'Bin regular Casper
Van Dien and his amazing stubble are
playing Indiana Jones out in the
Southwest. When CVD literally falls on
Mr. McSnakeyHands is a Fallen One --
who doesn't take kindly to the news that
he's about to be prematurely mummified.
No word on how long it takes to mummify
a 42-foot tall guy.
It's not long before we fast-forward to the
Present Day, where 'Bin regular Casper
Van Dien and his amazing stubble are
playing Indiana Jones out in the
Southwest. When CVD literally falls on
| Mr. McSnakeyHands (above) showing off a thoroughly useless superpower. |
the giant mummy, he delivers just the right amount of cheese as he grits, "Call Horton. This is
big. Really big."
No word on how a giant mummy ended up buried in the southwestern U.S.
It gets pretty by-the-numbers for a while: CVD is saddled with a dorky assistant and a hottie with
whom he has all the standard jurisdiction disputes. There are supporting roles for stars from
the '70s -- in this case, Robert Wagner as a land developer with a fondness for hard hats and
Tom "Mista C" Bosley as a rabbi. There's the Native American guy who just wants everyone to
big. Really big."
No word on how a giant mummy ended up buried in the southwestern U.S.
It gets pretty by-the-numbers for a while: CVD is saddled with a dorky assistant and a hottie with
whom he has all the standard jurisdiction disputes. There are supporting roles for stars from
the '70s -- in this case, Robert Wagner as a land developer with a fondness for hard hats and
Tom "Mista C" Bosley as a rabbi. There's the Native American guy who just wants everyone to
Leave The Earth Alone. Workers with no lines disappear
mysteriously. And thugees in purple karate gear show up
occasionally to get beat up. Eh, maybe that last bit isn't quite so
by-the-numbers...
You'll never guess what this movie is actually thin on? That's
right: Following the tradition of other Giant Thingie movies like
Robot Jox, the movie about a giant mummy rarely shows the
giant mummy. Typical.
Though if I were to be honest -- and really, there's nothing that
says I have to be -- I'd admit that this is a pretty good movie. Not
great, not award-winning, but hey, I'm grading on a curve here.
The film moves along at a reasonable clip, and there's just
enough cheekiness to keep things fun. And if you can get past
the existence of giants, the backstory actually turns out pretty
interesting. If anything else, the film gets bonus points for
knowing what happened after Sodom was destroyed.
And all you Casper Van Dien fans can rest assured: The door is
open for a sequel.
mysteriously. And thugees in purple karate gear show up
occasionally to get beat up. Eh, maybe that last bit isn't quite so
by-the-numbers...
You'll never guess what this movie is actually thin on? That's
right: Following the tradition of other Giant Thingie movies like
Robot Jox, the movie about a giant mummy rarely shows the
giant mummy. Typical.
Though if I were to be honest -- and really, there's nothing that
says I have to be -- I'd admit that this is a pretty good movie. Not
great, not award-winning, but hey, I'm grading on a curve here.
The film moves along at a reasonable clip, and there's just
enough cheekiness to keep things fun. And if you can get past
the existence of giants, the backstory actually turns out pretty
interesting. If anything else, the film gets bonus points for
knowing what happened after Sodom was destroyed.
And all you Casper Van Dien fans can rest assured: The door is
open for a sequel.
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