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DRIVEN TO KILL
* * * (2009, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Mob Puree
In Driven to Kill, Steven Seagal plays a Russian novelist. I’ll stop right there and give you a minute
to let that sink in.
Okay, so it turns out that Seagal plays a former member of the Russian mob who has since quit
The Life and become a successful novelist. Which, just like in real life, the Russian mob is totally
cool with.
* * * (2009, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Mob Puree
In Driven to Kill, Steven Seagal plays a Russian novelist. I’ll stop right there and give you a minute
to let that sink in.
Okay, so it turns out that Seagal plays a former member of the Russian mob who has since quit
The Life and become a successful novelist. Which, just like in real life, the Russian mob is totally
cool with.
 |
But still: Steven Seagal plays a Russian novelist.
That’s just a big box of awesome right there. Not only are we
treated to Seagal’s Russian accent, which comes straight out of
“The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show,” but we get to see Seagal
stretch his legs as an actor during the scenes where he’s “writing.”
It’s one of my favorite scenes of the film: Seagal, hunkered down
at his computer to work on his next novel, hunting and pecking at
the keyboard like a man whose entire computer experience
consists of using a laptop a half dozen times. I would love to know
what Seagal really wrote in that scene, with all the numbers and F-
keys he hit.
That’s just a big box of awesome right there. Not only are we
treated to Seagal’s Russian accent, which comes straight out of
“The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show,” but we get to see Seagal
stretch his legs as an actor during the scenes where he’s “writing.”
It’s one of my favorite scenes of the film: Seagal, hunkered down
at his computer to work on his next novel, hunting and pecking at
the keyboard like a man whose entire computer experience
consists of using a laptop a half dozen times. I would love to know
what Seagal really wrote in that scene, with all the numbers and F-
keys he hit.
| In the next Driven to Kill, Seagal finally takes out Moose and Squirrel. |
Also, least we forget that Seagal is playing a Russian novelist, there’s a sticky note on his monitor
that simply reads “Tolstoy.”
that simply reads “Tolstoy.”
| Author Leo Tolstoy, the Russian Steven Seagal of the 1800s. |
The phone rings, and Ruslan (Seagal) is called back home for his daughter’s wedding. He
returns to Mosco- sorry, make that Trenton, NJ, which is apparently a haven for Russian mob
returns to Mosco- sorry, make that Trenton, NJ, which is apparently a haven for Russian mob
activity. And because we’re dealing
with the mob in this film, we’re treated
to guys with Russian accents using
Italian mafia slang and Irish drinking
music inspired by The Departed during
the scenes where Ruslan is beating
the holy snot of people. It's Mob
Slushee!
Between Ruslan’s mob past, his ex
being married to a douchy D.A. and the
groom being the son of a top gangster,
it’s not surprising when, before you can
say “Seagal IS Licensed to Wed,”
Ruslan’s ex-wife and daughter are
hacked up by a bunch of tattooed
toughs. A perfect opportunity for
with the mob in this film, we’re treated
to guys with Russian accents using
Italian mafia slang and Irish drinking
music inspired by The Departed during
the scenes where Ruslan is beating
the holy snot of people. It's Mob
Slushee!
Between Ruslan’s mob past, his ex
being married to a douchy D.A. and the
groom being the son of a top gangster,
it’s not surprising when, before you can
say “Seagal IS Licensed to Wed,”
Ruslan’s ex-wife and daughter are
hacked up by a bunch of tattooed
toughs. A perfect opportunity for
| Trenton, NJ: Russian mob HQ |
Ruslan to wander around a crime scene impersonating a cop! I was surprised to discover that the
cops catch on to his ruse within minutes -- clearly, this is one of the smarter Seagal films.
Fortunately for Ruslan, the Trenton cops are quite forgiving about the whole “impersonating a cop”
thing. They even agree to help cover up the fact that Ruslan’s daughter survived the attack and
allow Ruslan to roam the streets of Trenton, killing everyone involved eight times over.
That’s one of the things you have to love about Seagal’s movies: There’s no sense of self-restraint
in his fights. During a knife fight in one scene, it’s not enough for Seagal’s Ruslan to stab his
opponent. Oh no. Ruslan stabs and slashes the guy about 70 times before smashing the guy’s
head through a glass display case.
cops catch on to his ruse within minutes -- clearly, this is one of the smarter Seagal films.
Fortunately for Ruslan, the Trenton cops are quite forgiving about the whole “impersonating a cop”
thing. They even agree to help cover up the fact that Ruslan’s daughter survived the attack and
allow Ruslan to roam the streets of Trenton, killing everyone involved eight times over.
That’s one of the things you have to love about Seagal’s movies: There’s no sense of self-restraint
in his fights. During a knife fight in one scene, it’s not enough for Seagal’s Ruslan to stab his
opponent. Oh no. Ruslan stabs and slashes the guy about 70 times before smashing the guy’s
head through a glass display case.
| Steven Seagal says "Shooting a guy is for babies." Here, Seagal stabs a man through the eye socket with a handgun and then fires. |
Which is a nice segue to the key stats of this film:
| Characters who meet Death by Seagal: 16 Characters beaten with extreme prejudice by Seagal: 5 Characters who successfully hit Seagal with a punch, kick or melee weapon: 1 Characters who successfully hit the slow-moving Seagal with a firearm: 0 |
Surprisingly (or, if you’re me, disappointingly), this is a competently made actioner. Forcing
Ruslan to team up with his maybe future son-in-law -- who appears to want nothing to do with The
Life -- while on the warpath is certainly different for a Seagal film. This leads to the two having a
philosophical conversation about how a person can take another’s life (the scene is head in a
strip club, naturally). Even the Big Bad feels like a formidable opponent for Seagal, which is
certainly a refreshing change of pace.
Then again, if you’re looking for “refreshing,” a Steven Seagal film is probably not where you’ll look.
Ruslan to team up with his maybe future son-in-law -- who appears to want nothing to do with The
Life -- while on the warpath is certainly different for a Seagal film. This leads to the two having a
philosophical conversation about how a person can take another’s life (the scene is head in a
strip club, naturally). Even the Big Bad feels like a formidable opponent for Seagal, which is
certainly a refreshing change of pace.
Then again, if you’re looking for “refreshing,” a Steven Seagal film is probably not where you’ll look.
If you enjoyed this review -- and it goes
without saying that you did -- then check out
some of our other Seagal-themed fare:
without saying that you did -- then check out
some of our other Seagal-themed fare:
| BBRAD-LIB Story Generator 2.0 Steven Seagal Edition |
