DRAGON STORM
* * (2004, 92 minutes, Rated PG-13)
It's raining dragons! Hallelujah, it's raining dragons!
Is this a fantasy epic? An action flick? A horror movie? These aren't rhetorical questions, I don't
know -- and I just watched the movie. At best, it's a cautionary tale about thoroughly reading
contracts and scripts before signing up to a project.
The film takes place in "Capathia, 1190 AD" (don't bother looking for Capathia with Yahoo! Map --
it's not there) and opens the same way The Blob does: Meteors fall to earth, some poor bastard
pokes at it with a stick and BLAM-O!! Only here, the classic Silly Putty has been replaced by CGI
dragons. The dragons waste no time flame broiling in sight. Unfortunately for 1190 AD
civilization, 95% of the buildings are made of wood.
Which reminds me... Do you ever get tired of seeing a faceless stuntman stumbling around on
fire, sometimes in semi-slow motion? You will watching this movie.
Some nameless peasant is sent to warn the local king, played by the usually excellent but
clearly slumming, duped and/or blackmailed John Rhys-Davies of Lord of the Rings fame.
Hilariously, King Rhys-Davies responds by 1) not believing the nameless peasant because
* * (2004, 92 minutes, Rated PG-13)
It's raining dragons! Hallelujah, it's raining dragons!
Is this a fantasy epic? An action flick? A horror movie? These aren't rhetorical questions, I don't
know -- and I just watched the movie. At best, it's a cautionary tale about thoroughly reading
contracts and scripts before signing up to a project.
The film takes place in "Capathia, 1190 AD" (don't bother looking for Capathia with Yahoo! Map --
it's not there) and opens the same way The Blob does: Meteors fall to earth, some poor bastard
pokes at it with a stick and BLAM-O!! Only here, the classic Silly Putty has been replaced by CGI
dragons. The dragons waste no time flame broiling in sight. Unfortunately for 1190 AD
civilization, 95% of the buildings are made of wood.
Which reminds me... Do you ever get tired of seeing a faceless stuntman stumbling around on
fire, sometimes in semi-slow motion? You will watching this movie.
Some nameless peasant is sent to warn the local king, played by the usually excellent but
clearly slumming, duped and/or blackmailed John Rhys-Davies of Lord of the Rings fame.
Hilariously, King Rhys-Davies responds by 1) not believing the nameless peasant because
even in 1190 AD there were no
such thing as dragons, and then
2) running away like a ninny as
dragons take down his sorry-ass
castle. Gimli would not be
impressed.
Fortunately, King Rhys-Davies is
not our hero (though sadly, that
fact isn't clear for the first chunk of
the movie). Instead, we're treated
to a "political intrigue" sub-plot
featuring King Rhys-Davies doing
mildly douchy things. Because
"political intrigue" is exactly what
the audience is looking for when
choosing to watch a film titled
Dragon Storm.
such thing as dragons, and then
2) running away like a ninny as
dragons take down his sorry-ass
castle. Gimli would not be
impressed.
Fortunately, King Rhys-Davies is
not our hero (though sadly, that
fact isn't clear for the first chunk of
the movie). Instead, we're treated
to a "political intrigue" sub-plot
featuring King Rhys-Davies doing
mildly douchy things. Because
"political intrigue" is exactly what
the audience is looking for when
choosing to watch a film titled
Dragon Storm.
No, the main storyline eventually falls to the motley crue of dragonslayers that are assembled
to take out the dragonian space invaders, led by a K-Mart Aragorn. All the clichés are there: the
Warrior Princess, the Brainiac, the kung-fu fighting Asian guy, the Backstabber... My favorite is
the Daughter Out To Avenge Her Daddy. She has a big-ass ballista that requires an entire
team to run. She shouts orders to them, she yells, "Fire!" and then fires the ballista herself.
Awesome.
Scattered in between all the motley slaying action and political intrigue are scenes of random
peasants and livestock being killed off by dragons, horror-movie style. There doesn't appear to
be any rhyme or reason, outside of filling an hour and a half.
Anyway, it turns out the dragons aren't too hard to kill so long as you hit 'em in the sweet spot,
which succeeds in robbing the whole story of its tension... and is very much indicative of the
movie as a whole. Cuz the truth is, this movie had potential: the CGI on the dragons is
excellent, there are a couple smart ideas buried in the story and it features John Rhys-Davies
coming off Lord of the Rings. And yet, the film can be summed up like this: Pfffftttttth.
to take out the dragonian space invaders, led by a K-Mart Aragorn. All the clichés are there: the
Warrior Princess, the Brainiac, the kung-fu fighting Asian guy, the Backstabber... My favorite is
the Daughter Out To Avenge Her Daddy. She has a big-ass ballista that requires an entire
team to run. She shouts orders to them, she yells, "Fire!" and then fires the ballista herself.
Awesome.
Scattered in between all the motley slaying action and political intrigue are scenes of random
peasants and livestock being killed off by dragons, horror-movie style. There doesn't appear to
be any rhyme or reason, outside of filling an hour and a half.
Anyway, it turns out the dragons aren't too hard to kill so long as you hit 'em in the sweet spot,
which succeeds in robbing the whole story of its tension... and is very much indicative of the
movie as a whole. Cuz the truth is, this movie had potential: the CGI on the dragons is
excellent, there are a couple smart ideas buried in the story and it features John Rhys-Davies
coming off Lord of the Rings. And yet, the film can be summed up like this: Pfffftttttth.
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| This photo of John Rhys-Davies was taken after seeing the final cut of Dragon Storm. |
