THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN
* * * * * (1976, 87 minutes, Unrated)
Could this possibly be more entertaining than a real Bruce Lee movie?
Wow.
Oh man, I... wow.
Just... wow.
I've given this move the rare Five Asterisks, but I don't think I could fit enough asterisks on a single
page for what this... stunning masterpiece deserves.
First, some background: Once upon a time, Bruce Lee was The Big Thing. So the film industry,
just as creatively bankrupt in the '70s as it is today, tried to fill the void left by Lee's untimely death
with Bruceploitation films -- cheaply made kung fu movies starring actors "named" Bruce Li or
Bruce Le.
This movie, The Dragon Lives Again, is like the Sistine Chapel of Bruceploitation movies.
The film opens with the body of "Bruce Lee" being presented to a feudal Chinese lord. Since it is
clearly NOT the real Bruce Lee, one of the ladies of the court helpfully explains, "It just so happens,
when a person dies, their face and body undergo a change." Oh. And speaking of "oh," it appears
that the body of Bruce Lee is in a state of, eh, rigor mortis -- the kind that made me swear off
wearing sweatpants when puberty hit.
So are those nun-chucks in Bruce Lee's pants, or is he just happy to -- oh, they are nun-chucks.
The feudal lord is pissed that Bruce Lee came in packing and won't bow to him -- never mind that
HE'S DEAD -- and orders his guards to beat the hell out of Bruce Lee. But even in death, nobody
beats the hell out of Bruce Lee, and he comes to life to engage in this asinine argument:
* * * * * (1976, 87 minutes, Unrated)
Could this possibly be more entertaining than a real Bruce Lee movie?
Wow.
Oh man, I... wow.
Just... wow.
I've given this move the rare Five Asterisks, but I don't think I could fit enough asterisks on a single
page for what this... stunning masterpiece deserves.
First, some background: Once upon a time, Bruce Lee was The Big Thing. So the film industry,
just as creatively bankrupt in the '70s as it is today, tried to fill the void left by Lee's untimely death
with Bruceploitation films -- cheaply made kung fu movies starring actors "named" Bruce Li or
Bruce Le.
This movie, The Dragon Lives Again, is like the Sistine Chapel of Bruceploitation movies.
The film opens with the body of "Bruce Lee" being presented to a feudal Chinese lord. Since it is
clearly NOT the real Bruce Lee, one of the ladies of the court helpfully explains, "It just so happens,
when a person dies, their face and body undergo a change." Oh. And speaking of "oh," it appears
that the body of Bruce Lee is in a state of, eh, rigor mortis -- the kind that made me swear off
wearing sweatpants when puberty hit.
So are those nun-chucks in Bruce Lee's pants, or is he just happy to -- oh, they are nun-chucks.
The feudal lord is pissed that Bruce Lee came in packing and won't bow to him -- never mind that
HE'S DEAD -- and orders his guards to beat the hell out of Bruce Lee. But even in death, nobody
beats the hell out of Bruce Lee, and he comes to life to engage in this asinine argument:
| BRUCE LEE: Who the hell are you?! FEUDAL LORD: How dare you! Get down on your knees before me! Or do you want to die already? BRUCE LEE: HA! Is there something wrong with you? You're weird! I'm going to die? You're going to die! FEUDAL LORD: Don't you realise who I am? How dare you be rude to me! BRUCE LEE: I know who you are -- a rat! |
The feudal lord, after managing a retort of "pipsqueak," expositions that he's the King of the
Underworld and that they're all apparently in some variation of Purgatory that resembles a
pre-industrial China. But even calling this Purgatory doesn't make sense because -- well, at this
point, the story resembles something I would have written when I was ten-years-old.
Bruce Lee heads out into this new world and befriends Caine from "Kung Fu" and, I kid you not,
Popeye the Sailor. It gets better: Bruce Lee then has a run-in with members of The Godfather's
gang -- yes, that would be Mario Puzo's Vito Corleone. Turns out that The Godfather runs a
powerful gang that includes the blind swordsman Zatoichi, James Bond, French softcore icon
Emmanuelle, Dracula and Clint Eastwood (as the Man With No Name). Also part of the gang is
The Exorcist, who appears to be either Oscar Wilde dressed up as Elvis Presley or Elvis Presley
dressed up as Oscar Wilde. Trust me, no copyright was left un-infringed.
[HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO WRITE YOUR OWN KUNG FU MOVIE? WRITE A SEQUEL TO
THIS MOVIE WITH OUR SPECIAL BBRAD-LIB STORY GENERATOR! CHECK IT OUT AFTER YOU
FINISH READING THE REVIEW -- NOLAHN]
Mixed in with such randomness as a talking skeleton, some gratuitous bath scenes, references to
Bruce Lee's generous endowment and labored put-downs such as "He's really a pig-ignorant twit,"
we're treated to a healthy dose of kung fu fighting -- the kind of fun, fast-paced kung fu that once
rules Saturday afternoon TV. All of the fight scenes (for reasons never explained) take place in the
same location, and are often fights to the death. Never mind that all of the characters are in the
Underworld and, one might think, are already dead.
Underworld and that they're all apparently in some variation of Purgatory that resembles a
pre-industrial China. But even calling this Purgatory doesn't make sense because -- well, at this
point, the story resembles something I would have written when I was ten-years-old.
Bruce Lee heads out into this new world and befriends Caine from "Kung Fu" and, I kid you not,
Popeye the Sailor. It gets better: Bruce Lee then has a run-in with members of The Godfather's
gang -- yes, that would be Mario Puzo's Vito Corleone. Turns out that The Godfather runs a
powerful gang that includes the blind swordsman Zatoichi, James Bond, French softcore icon
Emmanuelle, Dracula and Clint Eastwood (as the Man With No Name). Also part of the gang is
The Exorcist, who appears to be either Oscar Wilde dressed up as Elvis Presley or Elvis Presley
dressed up as Oscar Wilde. Trust me, no copyright was left un-infringed.
[HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO WRITE YOUR OWN KUNG FU MOVIE? WRITE A SEQUEL TO
THIS MOVIE WITH OUR SPECIAL BBRAD-LIB STORY GENERATOR! CHECK IT OUT AFTER YOU
FINISH READING THE REVIEW -- NOLAHN]
Mixed in with such randomness as a talking skeleton, some gratuitous bath scenes, references to
Bruce Lee's generous endowment and labored put-downs such as "He's really a pig-ignorant twit,"
we're treated to a healthy dose of kung fu fighting -- the kind of fun, fast-paced kung fu that once
rules Saturday afternoon TV. All of the fight scenes (for reasons never explained) take place in the
same location, and are often fights to the death. Never mind that all of the characters are in the
Underworld and, one might think, are already dead.
These fights also feature quick freeze frames to announce
when a character is unleashing their own special move. My
favorite is a toss-up between Zatoichi's "Blind Dog Pisses"
and Bruce Lee's "The Third Leg of Bruce."
The Godfather's gang, backed by at least a dozed guys in
full-body skeleton costumes, plan on overthrowing the King of
the Underworld. Their master plan? Send Emmanuelle to
have energetic sex with the King of the Underworld until he
has a stroke. Turns out that you really haven't lived until
you've seen a badly dubbed sex scene.
All that stands in their way is Bruce Lee... And all he wants to
do is return to Earth. Which, in case you ever find yourself in
the pre-industrial China version of Purgatory, is accessible by
zip-line.
And just because I know the question has been burning in
your mind throughout the review: Yes, Popeye does eat his
spinach.
when a character is unleashing their own special move. My
favorite is a toss-up between Zatoichi's "Blind Dog Pisses"
and Bruce Lee's "The Third Leg of Bruce."
The Godfather's gang, backed by at least a dozed guys in
full-body skeleton costumes, plan on overthrowing the King of
the Underworld. Their master plan? Send Emmanuelle to
have energetic sex with the King of the Underworld until he
has a stroke. Turns out that you really haven't lived until
you've seen a badly dubbed sex scene.
All that stands in their way is Bruce Lee... And all he wants to
do is return to Earth. Which, in case you ever find yourself in
the pre-industrial China version of Purgatory, is accessible by
zip-line.
And just because I know the question has been burning in
your mind throughout the review: Yes, Popeye does eat his
spinach.
How would you like to create the storyline to your own sequel to The Dragon
Lives Again? Thought so. Enjoy the hours of fun to be had with our very own,
very special BBRad-Lib Story Generator!
Lives Again? Thought so. Enjoy the hours of fun to be had with our very own,
very special BBRad-Lib Story Generator!
| '09 Binnie Winner! |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
