DRACULA 3000
* * * * (2004, 86 minutes, Rated R)
In space, no one can hear you suck.
Come on! That one was pitched underhand to me. It may not be the official tag line, but it could
have been. Either way, the end result is the same: Vampires!... In!... SPAAAAACE!!! And you
know where my head goes from there.
* * * * (2004, 86 minutes, Rated R)
In space, no one can hear you suck.
Come on! That one was pitched underhand to me. It may not be the official tag line, but it could
have been. Either way, the end result is the same: Vampires!... In!... SPAAAAACE!!! And you
know where my head goes from there.
Need more of a sell on this film? Check out the all-star cast: Casper Van Dien and his
Superhuman Jawbone, Erika "Ms. July '89" Eleniak (don't worry, that's safe for work), Coolio and
the ironically named "Tiny" Lister as the only guy fully aware of how crap this movie is and
having fun. Personally, I was looking forward to the Dracula/Coolio showdown. World-famous
vampire vs. the winner of Celebrity Boot Camp? Who can resist?
About the movie... First things first: Yes, it does indeed take place in the year 3000. Casper Van
Jawbone plays Capt. Abraham Van Helsing (cuz it's not a Dracula movie without a Van
Helsing), captain of a salvage ship, which is totally not like the one in Alien. Just like his crew is
totally not an amalgam of the characters in Alien and, appropriately, Dracula.
Anyway, they find an abandoned freight ship that'd been drifting about for 50 years, the crew
checks it out and -- really, is it necessary for me to continue? You know where this is going: the
blurs of something scurrying by in the background, the interstitial clips of the previous captain's
log, the ironic quips, the "surprise" "twist" that one of the crew is an android, etc., etc.
Now that I've beat up the plot, it probably goes without saying that most of the effects sucked, the
sound mixing sucked harder and the cinematographer forgot to take his Ritalin while filming.
That's not to say this film is without joy. Coolio (who plays a character named "187," yo) was
born to play a vampire. Erika Eleniak's acting is its own kind of comedy. And when Dracula
finally shows up halfway through the film -- despite the fact that he's from the PLANET
Transylvania and it's the year 3000 -- he's still sporting the trademark cape and Victorian duds.
Awesome.
And the the film just... ends. Rather abruptly. Kinda like this review.
Superhuman Jawbone, Erika "Ms. July '89" Eleniak (don't worry, that's safe for work), Coolio and
the ironically named "Tiny" Lister as the only guy fully aware of how crap this movie is and
having fun. Personally, I was looking forward to the Dracula/Coolio showdown. World-famous
vampire vs. the winner of Celebrity Boot Camp? Who can resist?
About the movie... First things first: Yes, it does indeed take place in the year 3000. Casper Van
Jawbone plays Capt. Abraham Van Helsing (cuz it's not a Dracula movie without a Van
Helsing), captain of a salvage ship, which is totally not like the one in Alien. Just like his crew is
totally not an amalgam of the characters in Alien and, appropriately, Dracula.
Anyway, they find an abandoned freight ship that'd been drifting about for 50 years, the crew
checks it out and -- really, is it necessary for me to continue? You know where this is going: the
blurs of something scurrying by in the background, the interstitial clips of the previous captain's
log, the ironic quips, the "surprise" "twist" that one of the crew is an android, etc., etc.
Now that I've beat up the plot, it probably goes without saying that most of the effects sucked, the
sound mixing sucked harder and the cinematographer forgot to take his Ritalin while filming.
That's not to say this film is without joy. Coolio (who plays a character named "187," yo) was
born to play a vampire. Erika Eleniak's acting is its own kind of comedy. And when Dracula
finally shows up halfway through the film -- despite the fact that he's from the PLANET
Transylvania and it's the year 3000 -- he's still sporting the trademark cape and Victorian duds.
Awesome.
And the the film just... ends. Rather abruptly. Kinda like this review.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
 |  |  |  |  |  |
| Know what you're in the mood for? Then peruse our GENRE CHANNELS: |
