DRACULA 3000
* * * * (2004, 86 minutes, Rated R)
In space, no one can hear you suck.
Come on! That one was pitched underhand to me. It may not be the official tag line, but it could
have been. Either way, the end result is the same: Vampires!... In!... SPAAAAACE!!! And you
know where my head goes from there.
* * * * (2004, 86 minutes, Rated R)
In space, no one can hear you suck.
Come on! That one was pitched underhand to me. It may not be the official tag line, but it could
have been. Either way, the end result is the same: Vampires!... In!... SPAAAAACE!!! And you
know where my head goes from there.
Need more of a sell on this film? Check out the all-star cast:
Casper Van Dien and his Superhuman Jawbone, Erika "Ms.
July '89" Eleniak (don't worry, that's safe for work), Coolio and
the ironically named "Tiny" Lister as the only guy fully aware of
how crap this movie is and having fun. Personally, I was
looking forward to the Dracula/Coolio showdown.
World-famous vampire vs. the winner of Celebrity Boot Camp?
Who can resist?
About the movie... First things first: Yes, it does indeed take
place in the year 3000. Casper Van Jawbone plays Capt.
Abraham Van Helsing (cuz it's not a Dracula movie without a
Van Helsing), captain of a salvage ship, which is totally not like
the one in Alien. Just like his crew is totally not an amalgam of
the characters in Alien and, appropriately, Dracula.
Anyway, they find an abandoned freight ship that'd been drifting
about for 50 years, the crew checks it out and -- really, is it
necessary for me to continue? You know where this is going:
the blurs of something scurrying by in the background, the
interstitial clips of the previous captain's log, the ironic quips,
the "surprise" "twist" that one of the crew is an android, etc., etc.
Casper Van Dien and his Superhuman Jawbone, Erika "Ms.
July '89" Eleniak (don't worry, that's safe for work), Coolio and
the ironically named "Tiny" Lister as the only guy fully aware of
how crap this movie is and having fun. Personally, I was
looking forward to the Dracula/Coolio showdown.
World-famous vampire vs. the winner of Celebrity Boot Camp?
Who can resist?
About the movie... First things first: Yes, it does indeed take
place in the year 3000. Casper Van Jawbone plays Capt.
Abraham Van Helsing (cuz it's not a Dracula movie without a
Van Helsing), captain of a salvage ship, which is totally not like
the one in Alien. Just like his crew is totally not an amalgam of
the characters in Alien and, appropriately, Dracula.
Anyway, they find an abandoned freight ship that'd been drifting
about for 50 years, the crew checks it out and -- really, is it
necessary for me to continue? You know where this is going:
the blurs of something scurrying by in the background, the
interstitial clips of the previous captain's log, the ironic quips,
the "surprise" "twist" that one of the crew is an android, etc., etc.
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| Erika Eleniak, the 1989 version of a hottie. |
Now that I've beat up the plot, it probably goes without saying that most of the effects sucked, the
sound mixing sucked harder and the cinematographer forgot to take his Ritalin while filming.
That's not to say this film is without joy. Coolio (who plays a character named "187," yo) was
born to play a vampire. Erika Eleniak's acting is its own kind of comedy. And when Dracula
finally shows up halfway through the film -- despite the fact that he's from the PLANET
Transylvania and it's the year 3000 -- he's still sporting the trademark cape and Victorian duds.
Awesome.
And the the film just... ends. Rather abruptly. Kinda like this review.
sound mixing sucked harder and the cinematographer forgot to take his Ritalin while filming.
That's not to say this film is without joy. Coolio (who plays a character named "187," yo) was
born to play a vampire. Erika Eleniak's acting is its own kind of comedy. And when Dracula
finally shows up halfway through the film -- despite the fact that he's from the PLANET
Transylvania and it's the year 3000 -- he's still sporting the trademark cape and Victorian duds.
Awesome.
And the the film just... ends. Rather abruptly. Kinda like this review.
| In other words, Dracula 3000 is just like this, but with Dracula. |